I feel like, if you can buy this stuff, maybe you have more disposable income than you had realized.
This week I thought I’d deviate from the usual conglomeration of crap I want to buy or have bought by highlighting some of the products that I see during the week that cause me to shake my fist at my screen. Why does this stuff even exist? I remember a time when everything was so fuddy duddy, that you couldn’t find anything with any kind of edge anywhere, at any store. And then, at some point in the last five years or so, the pendulum has swung completely in the other direction, and now it’s not the fuddy duddies who run things, it’s the idiots in late thirties arrested development. These people are embarrassments to the rest of us. Somebody please take away Think Geek’s license to make deals with manufacturers in China. Thanks.
- A Pencil Box Made Out Of Dead People. I’m not a religious person, and I don’t have a lot of deeply held views on the proper management of the physical realities of death. But this is fucking creepy. And it’s yet another example of the Green Movement getting totally out of control. This is a pencil box made out of a human body, stamped with the dead person’s name. So that you can better remember them. Enough with the smudges, enough with the *recycling of dead bodies* (that’s a phrase I never thought I’d have to write), let them rest in peace. Please.
- Sense and Sensibility With Sea Monsters. Come the fuck on! 1) S&S doesn’t even take place by the ocean. And also? Just because even the idiots of the internet are finally realizing that the zombie/laser/unicorn meme is played out doesn’t mean they should be repaced by sea monsters. Hey, Dregs of The Internet: enough with the arrested development kitsch! Get rid of the platinum blonde dye job, go back to regular pink and red-based nail polish colors AND CAN IT WITH THE I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER talk.
- Z.E.O.: A Zombie Guide To Business. I’ve had it with zombies. What made them “cool” in the first place? Because I missed it. And also, this is doubly stupid because if zombies existed, they would make excellent middle managers. They wouldn’t even need this guide. (Duh.)
- Adult Air-Trekker Jumping Stilts. OK, maybe I’d sign off on a pair of these for a toddler, but for a grown person? What am I talking about? I wouldn’t sign off on these for anybody. Grow the fuck up: go running, take an aerobics class, whatever. You are not an extra in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
- Moustache Mugs. Yeah. I thought I had made my point about moustaches, too. Apparently not, because not only are there moustache mugs, there are also Moustache Bandages. Urban Outfitters, we are sooooo breaking up.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I am going to put it out there that the mugs may be a gift for my sister, who has some kind of running mustache thing going with her friends…but then again, she is 20, so that pretty much puts it all in perspective. The recycled dead people? Come on, just donate your body to science where it can useful FFS!
#2-5 are just annoying (and when we get rid of mustaches and zombies and I CAN HAZ CHEESEBURGER, can we also get rid of constant references to bacon? What is the DEAL with the bacon obsession?).
#1…oh my gosh. I am stunned by that. What kind of person would do that?