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“App” instead of “Application.” Yeah yeah, I know everyone’s so into their iPhones, and part of it has to do with all the neat little “apps” you can get to make your life easier. But come on dudes, since when is a program called an “app”? I am well aware that there’s an app for this, and that there’s an app for that–but you know what I want an app for? Calling you a douchebag for going along with Apple’s involuntary marketing plan whereby whole sections of the English language are shortened into smaller words that (coincidentally) start with the letters “A-P-P” or “M-A-C.” Are we just not suspicious of this because it’s Apple or something? What if Blackberry went around asking you to call things “berries?” “Trying to find a restaurant? Hey, there’s a berry for that!” Or, worse–Microsoft? “Want to get directions? There’s a soft for that!” Wait.
“Fo’ sho’” instead of “For sure.” Maybe there was a time when it was cool to say this, but I missed it. Because it seems to me that you have to say it ironically now, and even then it misses the mark. You know how sometimes something is lame, and then it gets lamer, and eventually it is so lame that it goes back around the other side of lame to become cool again? Like the movie, You’ve Been Served? K, well this saying has lapped lame fifteen times and it still isn’t cool again. For sure.
Anything you got from I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER.COM. This includes the greeting, “Oh, Hai,” any deliberately incorrect usage of the English language that begins with “I can has” or “I has,” the popular misspelling “moar” and, yes, the standard salutation, “kthanxbai.” Isn’t it enough that this absurd website is so successful, must we add insult to injury by popularizing its neanderthal language? Please, join me in my effort to forget this unfortunate piece of internet history. Kthanxbai.
“Pwn” instead of . . . fuck, I don’t even know what it’s an abbreviation for–”own”? First of all, if you use this term, then we know that you’re a geek. In fact, if you use this term, you’re not only a geek, but you’re geeky enough to know what it means. I am pretty nerdy and even I am unclear on its original meaning. I think it has something to do with programming and when a function is at the top of the list, like everything else defaults to it. But then I also think it involves a typo for this, like somebody typed “pwns” instead of “owns.” Do you see the problem? People are getting lost in my explanation of how lame this is. Its lameness is too technical for the average user.
“Woot.” In the same vein as “pwn,” woot is an expression that is also overused online. I happen to know that this one stands for “we own the other team.” I have repressed the memory of how I learned this, but I’m stuck with it anyway. Look, I shouldn’t have to tell you that this is stupid. You own the other team, do you? And this “team” of which you speak, does it involve things like like balls, baskets, scoreboards? No, of course not. Do you think you’d ever see LeBron or Kobe high five somebody and say “WOOT!” No, the people who use the term “woot” are not likely to have stepped on a basketball court even one time in their lives. So, yeah, cool: if you want to be associated with motherboards and role-playing games, then, OK, but other than a bunch of extra CPUs, let’s face it–you own nothing.
Green. I am so over this green thing. Enough already. Just because something is green does not mean it’s good for the environment, or something we want. Take the Celtics. Or mold.
The expression, “I am so over . . .” Yeah, so I’m guilty of using this one, doesn’t make it any less douchey. Ask yourself: “Does anyone care what I am over or not over?” “Is this a love affair?” “Is what I’m discussing of such importance that it is well-compared to the perils of romance, infatuation, heartbreak?” “Do I want to sound like Heidi Montag?” &c.
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Mr. Right-Click and I were watching the Inauguration, and naturally they had to roll out Maya Angelou for some choice pieces of wisdom, given that this was an historic moment (when I write about blowhards, I like to adopt their mannerisms, such as saying things like “an historic”), and more to the point, a moment of particular importance to the history of African-Americans. You see, when the topic is contemporary American racial relations, Maya Angelou is the go-to blowhard of choice, narrowly edging out Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Spike Lee for her superior recognizability and credibility, respectively.
I think you’re not supposed to actually call Maya Angelou a blowhard. I think she’s kind of beloved or something. But I’m convinced I’m just saying what other people are thinking.
Yeah, I know she’s a renowned poet, even if I made it through (counts fingers, runs out, starts over) 12 years of higher education in English literature without once being assigned one of her books or poems. I’m not going to get into the debate about whether she’s a great poet or not, that’s pointless, and the literary canon is certainly not a fair and balanced institution, so it’s totally possible that her work would be excluded from courses despite relevance or merit.
As a side note, I will say that the line, “I know why the caged bird sings,” that is a good line, in itself. I have children’s a book written by her, with drawings by Jean-Michel Basquiat, even, called Life Doesn’t Scare Me. Truthfully, it’s a little scary. But I probably I would like her poetry if she would just stay off TV and contain her excessive blowhardry for her inner circle. Like some people don’t seem to be bothered by it–Oprah seems to like it, for example. So leave it for Oprah, I say.
If you’re wondering if I have a recent, specific example of Maya Angelou’s blowhardry, well . . . no. This is mainly because if I see Maya Angelou on TV I immediately change the channel out of fear for blowhard infection. But let’s take a look at her website and see what we can come up with:
Dr. Maya Angelou is a remarkable Renaissance woman who is hailed as one of the great voices of contemporary literature. As a poet, educator, historian, best-selling author, actress, playwright, civil-rights activist, producer and director, she continues to travel the world, spreading her legendary wisdom. Within the rhythm of her poetry and elegance of her prose lies Angelou’s unique power to help readers of every orientation span the lines of race and Angelou captivates audiences through the vigor and sheer beauty of her words and lyrics.
BLOWHARD. Blowhard! I mean, maybe she didn’t write it, yeah, but this is on her official website. I’m suspicious of anyone who takes themselves so seriously. I don’t care if they are talented, or wise, or what not. Can wise people not laugh? Can wise people not laugh at themselves? Must wise people always be important and offer theses statements? Must they adopt a deep voice? Must we always be knowing their power?
Maybe it’s unfair to gang up on Maya Angelou. Let’s face it, I could just as easily be talking about Gloria Alred. Or Tyra Banks. Or Quentin Tarantino. Or Tom Cruise. Or William Bennett. Or Chrysse Hynde. Or Susan Sarandon. Or Tim Robbins. Or Sean Penn. Hmm. Maybe I should do a list?
EDIT: Check out this David Allen Grier imitation–SO FUNNY! He demonstrates what I’m talking about in a far more hilarious way.
When I was doing online dating, there was always the one creep who would answer, “I’ll tell you later” under the relationship status on match (or wherever). I suspect there were many more people who fit into this category of “I’ll tell you later,” but they were smarter than to answer that question truthfully, or to evade the question in this totally obvious red-flag waving way. Although the degree to which dishonesty is a part of online dating is definitely exaggerated, I do think there are a few on every service who are already married or in a relationship, just as I think you should subtract two inches to most guys’ reported height, and ten pounds to most womens’ reported weight.
That said, I don’t know which side to come down on this new website I heard being advertised on the radio this morning. Ashley Madison is an online dating service that says it caters to those “already in a relationship, but who want more,” and the ad on the radio I heard suggests that it is for people who have one foot out of their current relationship and want to find a new girlfriend/boyfriend before they let go, which is a pussy practice if ever there was one. But, if you go to the site, they are much more open about it: “Life is short. Have an affair,” they suggest!
I have to agree in that among ways of making your life seem to last longer and be more tedious, affairs must be right up there in the rankings of causal factors. As a former online dater, I do like the idea that they are trying to ghettoize the cheaters into one area and keep them away from the real singles, since I’ve heard of more than a few situations where a girl was dating a guy from one of the major dating services who turned out to be married. I think there was only one guy in my own personal experience of online dating who had been in a relationship–I only went out with him once, and was clued into his status by the fact that he always wanted us to meet out of town for dates. No big loss there. But some people really do get hurt–the daters, and the families of the cheating spouse, no doubt.
So, yeah, take them out of the regular population, that’s great. And I suppose I have to admire the entrepreneurial spirit of the service–they identified a gap in the market and are trying to fill it.
But having said that–WTF?!
A dating site for people who want to find other people to cheat with? What good could come from this? Well, I’m sure there will be a few “If you like Pina Coladas” moments where the husband and wife pick out each other’s ads from the service and live happily ever after getting caught in the rain. And maybe it will cut down a bit on friends cheating with their friends’ spouses, which causes and extra element of hurt that is harder to get away from.
But seriously, this seems like a magnet for gratuitous litigation and possible death threats. Do they have a package deal with eHarmony–meet the girl you want to bear your children, and then find your secret gay lover on ashley madison? Do they have a special VIP login for politicians? Are we not all going to hell in a handbasket?
Thoughts?
Edited to add: Oh hey, look! They have an affiliate program. Awesome! Sign me up.
from: Chick I. Dunno
to: “anna@abdpbt.com”
date: Thu, Sep 18, 2008 at 11:21 AM
subject: Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx Recruitment
Hi Anna,
I hope you are having a great week. I am contacting you on behalf of the Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx program as I noticed you are not currently a part of their program but have been successful with other advertisers in their vertical so I think you would be a great fit.
Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx has been experiencing extremely strong growth across all of the divisions of our brand. They are continually featured in nationwide magazines and in editorial pages as an established trendsetter of the newest fashions in lingerie and apparel. They remain one of the top 100 most recognized brands nationwide and they specialize in cutting-edge, unique designs for lingerie, bras, panties, corsets, dresses and tops.
They are currently offering $10 off $75 order and a wide variety of Halloween Costumes.
If you sign up now and respond to this email Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx will extend you a private comission offer for a limited time.
Please let me know if you are interested or if you have any questions before getting started. I think it would also be a great fit for you during 4th quarter and going forward.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Thanks!!
Chick
____________
Chick I. Dunno
False Intimacy Specialist
Adplace.com
120 S. Agency, Suite 265
Whocares, AL 60603
Phone: 877.532.5748
Fax: 877.532.5713
Email: idunno@adplace.com
.
Dear Chick:
Couple things.
First of all, do we know each other? I don’t recall suggesting we be on a first name basis going forward. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be known as Ms. Dunno, or C.I. Dunno–but frankly, that’s not my problem. Take it up with your parents. By the same token, I really don’t see how it is any of your business if I’m having a good week or not. In the abstract, I suppose it is nice that you–somebody I don’t know–is actively “hoping” that I have a good week, but to be honest it’s a little creepy. What do you care? Why are you thinking about me so much? Don’t you have anything else to do?
You are right–I’m not a part of the Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx program. You know why? Because it’s trashy ho clothing. Last time I checked, I’m not a trashy ho. And I don’t think any of my readers are trashy hos, either–I’ll have to check on this, of course–actually, no, I’m going to go ahead and just say, right now, that none of them are trashy hos and, more importantly, they are not interested in becoming trashy hos any time soon.
Are you calling my readers trashy hos?
Here’s a guess: I don’t think trashy hos spend a lot of time cruising mommy blogs. For one thing, it’s hard to turn a trick with your laptop strapped to your chest. And toddlers tend to turn the johns off. Again, I’m guessing here, because like I said, I’m not a trashy ho. But yeah, when you have to change a bunch of diapers, that probably slows down your bj turnover rate.
And I think we can agree that time is money.
The other thing is–and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if I were looking to market trashy ho clothing on my site, I would at least look for a brand I thought would offer some associative value to me. I mean, Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx isn’t even upscale trashy ho clothing. I mean, it’s not like it’s Agent Provocateur or La Perla. Not that I would probably sell a lot of their trashy ho stuff, either, but I mean I might consider it a bit more. Because you know, a cut on a $500 Italian corset is going to sound a lot more enticing to me than, say, a percentage of sales of crotchless underwear from China. I mean seriously! I’d have to have not just one trashy ho reader, but a whole army of crack whores to catch a profit on that deal.
Anyway, best of luck in your search for trashy ho distributors. And, don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t look forward to hearing from you again.
Culture Brats is intelligent, witty, and insightful commentary on pop culture from the '80s to today.
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Sometimes I take the melodrama of my life and twist and turn it until it looks almost charming. I do this because I want you to like me:
Cigarettes & Green Felt: This is about the time I figured out that adults were mostly full of shit.
Assburger: It's not just a disorder on the autism spectrum: it's also one of your relatives!
On Truth: Sometimes somebody will say something and it hurts your feelings. And then you will write a story about it and your aunt will call it "phenomenal." Everyone else will try to pretend like it never happened.
The Sheer And Unmitigated Power of Bob Mould: Sometimes you spend your formative years obsessed by an unrequited teenage crush, and then one day you realize that person is now an orthopedic surgeon who lives in your neighborhood. It kinda sucks when that happens.
Ben From Madera: For one Halloween, Ben dressed up like a bee, like that kid in the Blind Melon video. That's how I will always remember him.
Mr. Right-Click
He is my best friend, even if he uses a PC. And the fact that sometimes he will pretend to be a "Pancake Pirate" is only part of the reason. Arrrr!
Mini
His cutie-pie percentile group is off the charts.
Spinning
If you think this is just about exercise, then you have underestimated how wildly inappropriate people can be when they undergo physical pain in a group setting.
.” Isn’t it enough that this absurd website is so successful, must we add insult to injury by popularizing its neanderthal language? Please, join me in my effort to forget this unfortunate piece of internet history. 
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