From the category archives:

popular culture

Seriously, Facebook, MYOFuckingB

by anna on 08.26.2010

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Guess what, Facebook: when I want people to know it’s my birthday, I will post pictures of myself as a toddler a few days beforehand on my blog — you know, the one that is read by like a thousand people, most of whom don’t know me in real life, mmkay?

The reason I do it that way is because I don’t need everybody in the world who actually has my telephone number calling me on the telephone to wish me a happy birthday. I would rather not have to field phone calls all morning from people who would have otherwise forgotten that it’s my birthday because we are not really that great of friends.

What gives, Facebook?! I’ve seen your creator. He’s a bigger dweeb than I am. I cannot imagine he wants people who aren’t really his close friends calling him all day on his birthday. Wait.

I’m not a Facebook kind of person. You never convinced me to figure out your idiotic overly complicated interface that doesn’t make sense to people with less than ten minutes of time to kill trying to figure it out. And besides, you know as well as I do that I can’t sign off on yet another media that popularizes the institutionalization of Friends Who Aren’t Really Your Friends. I was already in a sorority and now I’m a mommyblogger — throwing in Facebook Friends in earnest is just too damn much to ask of my already overtaxed bullshit fake nice resources.

Let’s just say there’s a reason you’re the PC of social media outlets. Look, Evan Williams is not going to beat Samuel L. Jackson in a cool-off any time soon, but line him up next to Mark Zuckerberg and I think you’ll catch my drift.

Sure, just like with Apple, Twitter sometimes gets shoved a little too far up its own ass with the “who to follow aka people you’d be following already if you didn’t despise them” and “power users aka people you already know and hate,” but at least they are straightforward with their nomenclature — they don’t fuck around, they just straight up call them followers and we all bought it hook line and sinker. You know why? Because that’s what we ARE!

So cool it with privacy violations, the stupid mafia and farm games, the annoying interfaces, the I’m-not-allowed-to-block-you-Mark-Zuckerberg-haha-so-cute-because-he’s-the-CEO-get-it-haha-not-cute-dorkoff-CEOs-are-not-ever-cute-they-are-either-dorky-or-scary-and-you’re-starting-to-get-scary, and all that jazz. Maybe you’re too young to get it, I don’t know? But at some point you’re going to wake up, dude, and you’re going to think, what the hell was I thinking?

At least I hope so.

Now get off my lawn.

Writing About Barbies

by anna on 03.17.2010

I had a professor once who wrote academic papers (and, eventually, a book) about Barbie dolls. She loved to talk about Barbies.

In the foyer to her home was the biggest Barbie collection you’ve ever seen. Right there in the entrance, where you were forced to confront it, and immediately faced with the challenge of not making fun of it, and so become complicit in the charade that it wasn’t strange for a fifty-something year old woman to have a Barbie collection so prominently placed in her otherwise tastefully decorated circa mid-nineties Southern California track home.

She was a literature professor with a specialization in contemporary African-American thought and literature, and I was in my first year of graduate school. I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around both her and her Barbies, that this was something worthy of academic scrutiny, and something upon which one could base and obtain a tenure application at a top-tier research institution.

In class, this professor would talk about going to Mattel and seeing all of the Barbie parts in big containers, huge vats full of Barbie heads, or Barbie arms, or Barbie torsos, or Barbie legs. And the big outrage — the climax of this and other like anecdotes — was that they would have a “multicultural Barbie” section, complete with its own giant containers full of Barbie parts, and they would be identical to the other, pinkish salmon-colored Barbie parts, except in a darker brown color. The outrage being, of course, that the body image of the black children who played with the Barbies would be permanently damaged by exposure to a doll that suggested that they should have the same bodies as white people, only with a darker skin color.

This was the basis of her academic vision, more or less. A laundry bin full of brown colored plastic pieces, and a budgetary decision made by a circa 1960s toy company trying to appeal to a larger market than it was historically likely upon its initial offering. Never mind the fact that white children presented with a Barbie would be presented with a similarly impossible task of obtaining a Barbie shaped body. Because even if that was true, for this professor, race was the master narrative, and it was always the thing that came up first, mattered the most, in whatever issue she was discussing.

I thought she was a reactionary fool, and she thought I was a racist idiot. We were both probably more right than either of us would ever have wanted to admit. We all have our own master narratives, the things that we look for in life that seem to be the most important, or the most significant. We bring them to everything we read, watch, or see. We walk away from the text convinced that this is what the text was about, when really we should be saying that this is what we’re about.

One day the professor said something that stuck with me, enough so that I actually wrote it down in my notebook, and underlined it twice, so that I would realize it was something I needed to remember.

What she said was, “You write about the Barbies because that is how you get people to listen to you. You write about popular culture because, even if it makes them mad, or make them think you are dumb, or shallow — it will make them listen, and that is when the real work gets done.”

And damn if she wasn’t right. Because I walked into that seminar with the chip on my shoulder that Affirmative Action had carved still intact, irritated by the fact that one of only six courses in graduate Literature courses would be devoted to African-American Thought, rather than a course in Literary Theory Across The Board, and deeply, deeply skeptical of a professor, tenured or otherwise, who wrote about Barbie dolls. But there I was, taking the damn course, and now, years later, it’s the one course that I remember like it was yesterday, and probably the one that changed the way I looked at life the most, if I had a way of gauging those kinds of things. It was the course that changed me, even against my will.

You write about the Barbies to get them to pay attention. They will probably make fun of you, and they might even get mad at you. That’s OK.

That’s when the real work gets done.

It was about a year ago that I wrote a post about being overwhelmed by the sundry first-world problems that come along with the holiday season. If I’m not mistaken, I was in the very same mood that day as I am in today: on both days, I went Christmas shopping, which is just generally a depressing endeavor. Not that I mind giving gifts — I rather enjoy it, in fact — it’s more the volume of it all, so many gifts at once, so many different people to think of, so much goddamn wrapping paper.

I know, you’re thinking, “That’s not Christmas wrapping paper!” But yes, yes, it is. Because in the words of the immortal Damon Wayans, homey don’t play that red and green shit.

As a result, our house kind of looks like a scene from A Very Bradshaw Christmas, but I don’t care. I will have my presents color-coordinated.

Except, of course, for the presents that are for me. Those don’t match. I would be annoyed by this, but here’s my present:

And since that can only be one thing, I am not going to complain.

Henceforth, we shall refer to this annual malaise as the DEC-11 virus, and rather than subjecting you to yet another post in which I complain about all of the things in my life that are — let’s face it — blessings, I shall just post a sign in the manner of the old “gone fishin’” signs of Americana lore that says, “Quarantine: I’ve come down with a nasty case of DEC-11!”

Because let’s face it, even if I get cranky this time every year, things could definitely, positively be worse.

You might not believe that I did not stage that picture, but I swear that it is authentic. My favorite part is that the building has space for rent, if you’re interested. Another thing I thought I’d direct your attention to, is how in Los Angeles we have to spice things up a bit to remember that it’s Christmastime, given that we don’t have snow or even cold weather to remind us.

Because nothing says Christmas like a bunch of supermarket poinsettia plants arranged on a traffic island. Oh, well — OK, maybe a white Mercedes with antlers and a red nose delivers the “It’s Christmastime in LA!” message a little more poignantly.

I’m just saying: we as a society are better than this, are we not? Are we not better than reindeer antlers on Mercedes station wagons?