political

I resisted the idea of doing a political or pro-voting post today, for the same reason I don’t like to do Halloween posts on Halloween, or Fourth of July posts on the Fourth of July: they are hard to do well. And so many people do them that, after a while your eyes start to cross. Like maybe the first one or two are OK, but after ten you’re like, “Oy, if I have to read another post about the wonderful political process in America I’m going to vomit all over your electoral college.” And also, I’ve never really been able to get behind this “Get out there and vote! It’s your duty!” crap.

Let me explain why.

You know that video that was going around the interwebs, with all the celebrities encouraging us “not to vote”? And yeah, it was sarcastic and everything? But yeah, for a minute I was like, “FINALLY. Finally.” Because whenever I see somebody on TV talking about how freaking important it is to vote, you know what I want to say, “Bullshit. Bullshit.”

Because if it were me, if they called me up and said, “Hey, Anna? We understand that you’re a mover and a shaker. People listen to you–will you do a PSA re: voting?” I’d be all, “Yeah, sure I will. As long as I get final cut.” Because you know what, I don’t want you to vote today, unless you are voting for Obama. And if you’re a Californian, I don’t want you to vote unless you’re voting No on Proposition 8. Seriously. I don’t care about all the flowery feel good talk about the democratic process. Fuck that noise.

My thoughts are this: if you want to vote for McCain, then while I (intellectually) respect your right to make that choice, and while I wouldn’t dream of actually getting in your way of making this choice–a courtesy you, as a McCain supporter, would not extend to me or any other woman who might want to make certain choices about themselves and their bodies, incidentally–there’s not a chance in hell I’m going to encourage you to go out and vote for McCain. Not only because he’s not my choice, but because clearly, you are demonstrating that your decision making process is inherently flawed. You are demonstrating that, given the choice, you would choose “a platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it” over chicken, as David Sedaris puts it. And if that’s the case, it seems like maybe we’d all be a little better off without your vote being counted. Now, if you’re in Florida, there’s a good chance that might happen anyway. And with the electoral college, well–none of our votes truly count anyway, who are we kidding? But just in case–if you plan on voting for McCain, I’m OK with you not voting today. It’s fine with me. Stay home. Save yourself the secondary embarrassment, I say.

But why should the McCain people take all the flack? They’re not the only ones I don’t mind staying home. Like any magnanimous, open-minded liberal, I do have one Republican friend, and I don’t want him to feel singled out. No, if you plan to make a vote for the Green party, then you should go ahead and stay home as well. Look, Nader or not, we’ve already had an assload of you people on the world stage. At least the Republicans can blame their behavior on 1) stupidity; 2) gullability; 3) sociopathy; 4) greed; or 5) all of the above. But you people! You have lost all grasp of reality, and enough with the “it’s never a good time” for a third party crap. There are better times than when George W. Bush is running, mmkay? Can we at least acknowledge this now? No? THEN STAY HOME.

I had a friend in college named Stu. Stu got a 1600 on the SAT and was a legacy member of MENSA. Stu was also crazy. But crazy smart. And though he would also do things like walk down the street and kick parking meters, because he was so full of rage he’d have to do things like this periodically, he also had a saying that I still use today. When presented with an instance of stupid human behavior, Stu would say, “I understand why they should be allowed to vote. I don’t understand why their vote counts the same as mine.”

How about today, instead of telling everyone to vote, we encourage everyone to stop blowing sunshine up each others’ asses? Or, better yet, just stop the constant lying. I have a dream, people, and that dream is that Americans start a national pastime of telling the truth. The ugly, mean, nasty, but spiritually cleansing truth for once.

I’ll start. Those PSA ads? are almost always funded by Democrats or groups with largely or exclusively democratic leaning memberships. Know why? The Republicans are better at getting out and voting. They always have been. Know why? Because they don’t want to pay more of their money in taxes, and they’re worried that if they don’t stay in power, that’s exactly what will happen. So when they are telling us to “Rock the Vote,” they are talking to Democrats. Almost always. I wish they would just say that, lest any stray Republicans get the notion that they should vote. Or Independents. Or–God Help Us, the Libertarians. Oh yeah, and incidentally, you guys–there is a HUGE difference between being “very liberal” and being a Libertarian–check your dictionaries. I’m sick of you guys giving us a bad name.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the cutesy Hollywood Celebrity messages to vote are not for you people! No Pro-voting messages for you! We will let you continue to watch Entourage, Saturday Night Live, and Lost, no questions asked, but don’t listen to any announcements telling you to vote because YOU ARE NOT THE TARGET AUDIENCE.

And, no, it’s not PC, and it doesn’t make us feel all lovey dovey about each other, and yeah, I’m all for freedom and shit but I’m fucking tired of the morons ruling the country. Or worse than the morons–the people who exploit and control the morons! OK? You guys that think that to be “American” is to be simple, good folk, who like the “real American” way. Who drop the “g”s in words that end in “-ing”? That talk about “values”? And are ostentatiously Christian? Christian with a thesis statement? And who hate Muslims, and who have a general policy of fear of difference? All of those things are BAD. They are things you should try NOT to do. The candidates that pander to you? Are using you. When they are alone, they talk like us. Like us FAKE AMERICANS. Yeah! They go to our schools and read our books. They eat our food and watch our movies, shop in our stores. And sometimes, after they’ve had a full day of using your own ignorance against you, they even go to our therapists to assuage their guilt. And, what is possibly the worst travesty of justice–I have seen them actually drink French wine without wasting a drop!

And finally, to those of you who talk about being “undecided.” If you’re “undecided,” doesn’t that just mean you don’t want to admit that you’re voting for McCain? By the same token, if you’re a registered “independent,” doesn’t that just mean either 1) you’re embarrassed to be a Republican; or 2) you’re really a Democrat, but you’re worried about being audited by the IRS?

See, I feel better now. Do you guys have anything you want to get off your chests?

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