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12 Things That Are Almost As Crazy As Kelly Killoren Bensimon On St. John. But Not Quite.

The writing staff of Lost — if they think I’m buying the deus-ex-machina “explaining” the black smoke monster was planned from day one — not to mention what other crocks of shit they plan to feed me about the island and its majesty later on this evening. The eyes of Shannon Brown, Grant Hill, and […]

11 Problems With Watching The Real Housewives Of New York And The Real Housewives Of New Jersey In The Same Week

Sonja’s sex hair — while admittedly still wildly inappropriate for lunch with Jill and Ramona at the Four Seasons — is still not big enough for the Sheriff’s dinner in Franklin Lakes. Ramona’s eyes are almost as crazy as Danielle actually is. On RHONY, “Brooklyn” is an insult. On “RHONJ,” “Jersey” is not an insult. […]

12 Headlines For Stories Nobody Wants To Read

Parties For NAMBLA National Conference in Omaha Filling Up — RSVP Now Or Lose Out! Twitter Is Down. Right Now. Don’t Go Check, Either, Because It Will Totally Still Be Down. Is There Something In Your Refrigerator Right Now That Is Slowly Poisoning Your Family? Are State Lotteries Running Illegal Blog Giveaways? Consumers Maintain “Meh” […]

8 Subtle Signs Of Progress At Augusta National Golf Club

The full-length white jumpsuits required for caddies to wear at all times whilst on the course at Augusta are now made from 100% cotton cloth, instead of a cotton-poly blend. Similarly, in an effort to reflect the lessening conspicuous consumption of the recession, the lettering on signature green members’ jackets are now done in gold […]

Your Wife Or Longtime Girlfriend Just Won The Best Actress Oscar! Now What?

Sob from your front-row seat at the Kodak Theater, thereby underscoring your love for your far more successful spouse. Admit candidly to the Access Hollywood camera that yes, this might just be the most beautiful she has ever looked, right here tonight. Protest early and often what a treat it is to be involved with […]

15 Jokes About The iPad I’m Apparently Not Too Mature To Make

iPad: It Doesn’t Have Wings, But Then It Doesn’t Have A Keyboard, Either. iPad: Because you’re too male to use a tampon. Good news: even virgins can use iPads! Don’t be embarrassed if you’re the first one in your class to get an iPad. Everybody matures at their own speed. iPad: Because Who Isn’t Scared […]

Lesser-Known Stipulations Of The Brangelina Dissolution Of Non-Marriage

The commonly expression BRANGELINA shall heretofore cease to exist as a legally usable moniker, except where it is licensed to do so with express written permission from the PARTIES, who shall hereafter be known as BRAN and GELINA, two separate and distinct legal entities. Any real person known to be still using the moniker BRANGELINA […]

17 Questions I Was Too Embarrassed To Ask Six Years Ago

Why are Asian people in Beverly Hills wearing SARS masks all of a sudden? Related: Are SARS and/or the wearing of SARS masks likely to take off in popularity here? Is my roommate really working for a medical marijuana clearinghouse? When is this whole superfluous fabric-flowers-on-clothing trend going to END already? So this Desperate Housewives […]