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- “Bubbies,” in addition to being to a brand of upscale pickles, are something you can pay roughtly $20,000 to acquire in a off-site surgical center.
- “Construction” is an astonishingly lucrative business in Northern New Jersey.
- When in doubt, go with the leopard print.
- It is acceptable–nay, expected–to loudly proclaim your dancing instructor as being “so gay!” if you work in “construction” in Northern New Jersey.
- Ostentatious French Provençal is BIG in Northern New Jersey.
- It is universally thought of as being a bad idea to have “big hair” and “fake nails.” What differs is what constitutes “big” and “fake” in different parts of the country.
- In addition to being a homicidal doll, a “Chuckie” is something that threatens to “hang out” if you bend over whilst wearing a short skirt.
- Wine coolers do still exist! It’s just that they all moved to New Jersey.
- People do make fun of “Jersey Girls,” but it is only because they are jealous.
- There are many places to shop on Cypress. Some of these places sell heavily ornamented Converse Chuck Taylors.
- “Preplay” is something that happens after the revelation of the lingerie but before the lingerie “comes right off.” (If it happens.)
- Every beautiful
former coke whore woman has a gay man “behind her, supporting her.”
- A good way to motivate your child to do better in remedial summer school is to buy her a brand new, fully loaded SUV a made by a now-defunct American automotive giant.
- Sometimes people with kids, even if their husband works in “construction,” can get nervous about leaving their children with a woman who might have once been involved with the Columbian cartel.
- Jokes about New Jersey: classic comedy gold, no matter which coast you call home.
Check out these list lovers:
- 5 Tips For Handing Out Business Cards | ABDPBT Personal Finance
- Kerry at Clue Wagon
- Eliz at Tink’s Mom
- In Orlando, the only beards seated courtside are on men’s faces. Or on women’s faces.
- In Los Angeles, sometimes you cannot tell Jack Nicholson’s dates from his illegitimate children. In Orlando, wait. Yeah, I have no means of comparing this to Orlando. Joke FAIL LULZ.
In LA, we have this guy. And soon, Orlando will too. Because he goes everywhere. Seriously. Look for him. It’s like an NBA edition of Where’s Waldo, except instead of looking for the red and white hat, you’re looking for the old guy in leather pants who might have once produced porn, but nobody really knows for sure.
- The difference between courtside seats in Orlando and LA is about $2,000 per ticket, regular season. If you’re talking Finals, that will be $57,000/ticket to get a season ticket holder to give up a courtside seat in LA.
- In Orlando, you have that freaky ass green thing, I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be. In LA, we have the Laker “Girls.” So, you know. Kind of a draw on that one.
- In Orlando, Tiger Woods is seated courtside to root for Orlando. Except for when you play us. Then he roots for LA. Nyah-nyah. OC REPRESENT
- In LA, we have an Eastern European shooting guard who cannot make baskets. In Orlando, you have an Eastern European shooting guard who can make baskets.
- In Orlando, you have to watch Mickey Mouse and Disney’s overproduced, vaguely fundamental and anti-gay fantasy productions. In LA, you have to watch the Tom Cruises and their insulting, Church-of-Scientology-produced heterosexual follies.
- In Orlando, you hear a lot about the slam dunk contest and comparisons between Dwight Howard and an imaginary superhero. In LA, we prefer the MVP trophy and hero-worship in the form of Kobe Doin’ Work: A Spike Lee Joint.
- In Orlando, Dwight Howard is Superman. In LA, Shaq is, was, and will always be to original Superman.
- Orlando is a swamp. LA is a desert. They are both cultural wastelands.
- Orlando: Chris Brown and Bow Wow. LA: Leonardo DiCaprio and Larry David.
- In Orlando, you can see Dwight Howard score a bunch of dunks. In LA, you can see Dwight Howard score only one basket the whole game.
- In Orlando, Magic is a 20-year old NBA franchise that has never won an NBA Championship. In LA, Magic is a retired basketball player who has personally won 5 NBA titles, 3 MVP trophies, 3 Finals MVP trophies, and now owns half the city.
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dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.
Check out these list lovers:
- 23 Unusual And Occasionally Strange Ways To Make Extra Money | ABDPBT Personal Finance
- Kerry at ClueWagon
- Juliet at Temecula Blog-O-Rama
- Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice as Good
- Eliz at Tink’s Mom
- The Real Housewives of Greenwich, CT. OR The Real Housewives of Pasadena, CA
Source of Money: Oh, we don’t talk about that
Favorite Drink: Highballs and mimosas
Favorite Designers: Brooks Brothers, Lily Pullitzer
Predominant Building Materials Used In Construction of Homes: Brick or Craftsman wood
Flagship Foible: Once a housewife was caught wearing a colorful outfit to tennis match. Once.
- The Real Housewives of Hilton Head, SC
SAME AS ABOVE, EXCEPT ON VACATION
- The Real Housewives of Portland, OR
Source of Money: Originally, logging. But assets moved to APPL in early 80s.
Favorite Drink: Chai Latte from Peet’s.
Favorite Designers: Stella McCartney, Linda Loudermilk
Predominant Building Materials Used in Construction of Houseboats: Reclaimed wood. Or bamboo. Or anything that floats.
Flagship Foible: A housewife once bought a “fake” fur hat that she eventually realized was real. Left with no choice but to throw red paint on herself.
- The Real Housewives of Saddle River, NJ
Source of Money: Varies. But involves inventing terms like “fabulosity” and constructing oneself as a “mogul”
Favorite Drink: Alizé
Favorite Designers: House of Deréon
Predominant Building Materials Used in Construction of Empire: Varies, but often involves exploitation of own demographic. And adding superfluous accent aigus to other made-up words.
Flagship Foible: One housewife allowed her new assistant to walk in the front door instead of the service entrance in front of cameras, thus risking the entire class apparatus of the compound.
- The Real Housewives of Dallas, TX
Source of Money: Black gold, baby.
Favorite Drink: Pink drinks. Any kind.
Favorite Designers: Dior and New Skool Vuitton
Predominant Building Materials Used in Construction of Hair: Aqua Net
Flagship Foible: A housewife was caught at the grocery store without makeup, with her hair in a ponytail. But she was new in town, the wife of somebody’s brother, so people cut her some slack.
- The Real Housewives of Grosse Pointe, MI
Source of Money: Auto industry (now defunct)
Favorite Drink: Martinis. But anything that is stiff will do.
Favorite Designers: Ralph Lauren. We like to buy American, even if it’s made by children in Peru.
Predominant Building Materials Used In Construction of Denial: See “Favorite Drink”
Flagship Foible: One housewife wears white after Labor Day, crisis and drama ensues.
- The Real Housewives of The Hollywood Hills, CA
Source of Money: Entertainment
Favorite Drink: Whatever the hot drink is right now at Jones Concorde LAX Geisha House Hyde Boulevard3
Favorite Designers: Splendid Vince. J Brand Tory Burch Serfontaine
Predominant Building Materials Used in Construction of Artifice: Silicone
Flagship Foible: One housewife bought a new home so high up on the hill that she discovered one day, to her horror, that her area code was now 818.
Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:
- Write a “list” post on your blog.
- Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
- Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.
Check out these list lovers:
- 12 Clever Uses For And Fun Facts About: Onions! | ABDPBT Personal Finance
- Juliet
- Elizabeth
- Bessie Viola
- Ginger
- Kerry at ClueWagon
- June Freaking Cleaver
- Eliz at Tink’s Mom
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