Photo by Lynnelle at deviantART
- Most of us agree on what rape is.
- From now on, when people say “most of us,” this usually excludes Whoopi Goldberg.
- We’re got ourselves involved in an unpopular war in a country far away under dishonest premises. Yeah, a different unpopular war, though.
- A lot of times now, when you’re in the middle of negotiating a plea bargain for a rape charge, the Court will confiscate your passport.
- John Travolta got famous by disco dancing, and then lost his A-list status by making bad movies for about a decade afterwards. Twice.
- A long period with a dishonest Republican in executive office was finally ended, leaving us with a huge national deficit and an unpopular war in a country far away that was started under disingenuous pretenses.
- Right. Not that dishonest Republican or that unpopular war. New ones.
- Adrien Brody won an Oscar, and then was never heard from ever again.
- Some people have started admitting that Rosemary’s Baby is pretty schlocky. No, not everyone. But some.
- Mia Farrow grew out her hair.
- Woody Allen married his daughter — but you probably already knew that!
- Americans make fun of the French and the French fart in America’s general direction. No, wait, my bad — that’s not new.
- Hollywood is an exemplary meritocracy populated by free-thinking and creative giants.
- Sylvester Stallone made and starred in the Rocky movies and Rambo. Twice.
- [Yeah, I know, that last one was a joke -- things haven't changed that much.]
- OJ Simpson avoided prison after killing his ex-wife and another guy, but he was given a life sentence for stealing some old copies of Sports Illustrated.
- Robert Evans lives in that house with all the roses, where he lived with Ali McGraw before she left him for Steve McQueen. And he wears big black horned rimmed glasses.
- Jack Nicholson still has Lakers season tickets, butthey built a new sports arena for him.
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Check out these list lovers:
- 7 Cool And Unusual Shelving Ides | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
- How To Create An RSS Feed For One Specific Category On Your Blog In 3 Easy Steps | ABDPBT Tech
- Tim at Safer By Choice
- Kerry at Clue Wagon
This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.
- Kurt Cobain In Memoriam Lunchbox
Who's that on your lunchbox, Mini? Oh a GenX rock icon who shot of his head with a shotgun? SUPER.
This is quite simply the lunchbox for the toddler whose parents long for a bygone era, who ache for the days when GenX rock idols were just misunderstood suicidal heroin addicts, rather than the deceased subjects of tedious Gus Van Sant films. And what burgeoning young creative genius won’t appreciate the flexibility of the included thermos? Concealing the vodka you brought to share at snack time or disposing of used needles has never been easier! Plus, your child can spread word about the grunge movement among a new generation when he sets up his lunchbox at the miniature table at lunchtime, where all of his preschooler buddies can get a clear view of Kurt Cobain at his guitar, smoking as he composed what would become the soundtrack to the 1990s. And when all the other preschoolers start debating the aesthetic appeal of Kinderslut, or exchanging bon mots like “Rape me, my friend . . . rape me, AGAIN,” or “Polly wants a cracker, guess I should get off her first,” within earshot of their parents, well — how proud will you be that it was your precious little one who first got them to wonder if they were dumb, or maybe just happy, before popping an SSRI?
- Betty Page Lunch Box
Betty Page is already a role model for maladjusted goth pre-stripper teens everywhere. But if you know your toddler is going to end up on the pole, why not indulge inappropriate hero-worship earlier?
Before Betty Draper was picking out lunchboxes at the Five & Dime that morning, she hadn’t realized that her daughter’s destiny was to be the contestant on every season of Project Runway whose personal style consists of mixing red gingham with Doc Martens. But when her three-year-old picked out this Betty Page lunchbox, Betty Draper realized it was only a matter of time before Michael Kors was sending her home in the fourth or the fifth round, declaring himself “so tired” of candy apple red lipstick set against a backdrop of paler-than-pale skin. And so Betty Draper objected at first that the lunchbox glorified a woman of loose morals and middlebrow tastes, and besides, it was far too small to accommodate her daughter’s beloved goldfish crackers and chocolate Ho-Hos. But then a Betty Draper had a feeling — or something akin to those instinctive impulses she once felt, but had then learned to ignore (with the help of an extra glass or two) of wine at dinner). Betty Draper realized that if she did not do something quick, then one day soon all of those fruit roll-ups and granola bars would become more cellulite on her daughter’s hips, and so why not choose the smaller lunchbox now, taking her daughter’s aesthetic preference as a sign that perhaps it was already time for her daughter, too, to begin tenure on the Mother’s Little Helper diet of melba toast, coffee, wine, and prescription amphetamines.
- The “Just Plain Mean” Lunchbox
This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.
Mean is cool! In fact, mean is exactly the kind of ideal we want to set for our burgeoning young feminists! Being mean will keep the boys safely away from you, where they cannot infect you with their nasty boy cooties or subject you to their patriarchal-reinforcing rituals of heteronormativity! And not only that, embracing your inner meanie also encourages and propagates the overly simplistic, black-and-white epistemology that has plagued the assessment of female characters since the beginning of time! Is Susie a nice girl? No, she’s mean! Have you ever seen her actually kick somebody in the crotch? No, but I’m sure that she would. Where did you pick up the term ‘vagina dentata‘ anyway, Billy? Has your grandfather been sending you stuff from his 1930s pulp fiction collection again? But, Moooooo-um — I’m telling you that she’s that kind of girl: she’s MEAN!
- Tonight We Dine In Hell Lunchbox
Oooh! Dining in hell? Will there be brimstone appies?
Instill in your toddler the merits of asceticism and a life of self-restraint with this Spartan lunchbox. Perfect for large picnics, the “Tonight We Dine In Hell” lunchbox is roomy enough to hold rations for your child and all of the classmates with whom he was separated from the rest of the community at an early age in order to undergo extreme physical conditioning and preparation for warfare. The thermos doubles as an ice cooler, and in a pinch it can be used to transport blood for battlefield transfusions. And before you object to the verisimilitude of the steroid-enhanced abs on Gerard Butler depicted on the front of the lunchbox, remember that juxtaposing this picture with those from recent movies will only underscore for your toddler the merits of consistent self-restraint and unrelenting physical training.
Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:
- Write a “list” post on your blog.
- Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
- Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.
Check out these list lovers:
- 5 Reasons Why You Should Never Use Internet Explorer — Never EVER AGAIN | ABDPBT Tech
- 6 Things The Internet And/Or The Liberal Media Is Making Me Want To Buy | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
- 8 Ways To Make Budgeting Easier When You Are Self-Employed | ABDPBT Personal Finance
- Kerry at Clue Wagon
- Tim at Saferbychoice
- Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice As Good
- Alexis at the Well-Read Mom
- Ginger at Ramble Ramble
- When Kanye West gets up to interrupt someone who is accepting an award, get up and interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting, and I’mma let you finish, but I really thought 50-Cent’s album was better than yours. Just felt it was important to say that. Yes, I feel strongly that now is the appropriate time for this. Exactly this moment, as a matter of fact.”
I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.
- When Lady Gaga gets up to accept an award with red lace covering the entirety of her face, interrupt her speech while wearing a shirt that says: “JIMMY CARTER SAY: THE WORDS OF GOD DO NOT JUSTIFY CRUELTY TO WOMEN.”
- Addendum to #2: When Lady Gaga gets up to accept her award wearing some kind of New Age-inspired red lace burqa with accompanying crown, interrupt her by saying, “Yo, Gaga. I know you’re busy being all ‘out-there’ and ‘fashionably adventurous,’ and I’mma let you finish, but first I need to spray fake blood all over myself and then have a bunch of young gay men lift me up so I can hang from a noose in the middle of the stage. If you don’t mind.“
- Take Eminem aside and explain to him what being a “gay icon” means, and requires of one, fashionably speaking. While you are doing this, make sure you are quick on your feet, just in case he tries to hit you when he realizes that he was expressing grave concern over someone who might not even be a woman after all.
- When Joe Wilson interrupts the President’s speech to Congress by shouting, “You lie!”, accurately capture the relevancy of his point of view by interrupting him with, “Yo, Joe Wilson. I know you’re busy stewing in racially motivated hatred and paranoia, and I’mma let you finish, but let me first get this out: THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!”
- When you’re a Disney star accepting a fake award from a fake awards show for a song that nobody over the age of 30 has ever heard or wants to know about, and Kanye West jumps on stage to interrupt you, right after he says, “I’mma let you finish,” instead of crying, what you gotta do is this: you interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting me, and I’mma let you finish, but I gotta say that I’ve never been this close to a black man before and I find I’m strangely excited and frightened at the same time.” Then, in the ensuing silence and tense atmosphere, grab your award and walk off stage.
- If you’re the guy that beat out Michael Jordan for a spot on his high school basketball team, and he’s invited you to sit there in the audience and eat shit while he gets inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, arrange to have Phil Collins show up, and then at just the right moment, when Jordan’s really switching it into high narcissisistic gear with the stories about fighting his brothers, then you get Phil Collins to be lowered down on stage with his drumset, playing the opening beat to “In The Air Tonight.” And then when Phil’s finally lowered down and there’s a spotlight searching aimlessly around the audience, Phil Collins will say “Yo, Air Jordan. I know you’re busy making this poor dude you went to high school eat shit on ESPN for no good reason, and I’mma let you finish, but first let me tell you this, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight — oh LORD — and I been waiting for this moment for all my life!”
- Sit quietly in your seat, taking notes, nodding your head, and/or clapping where appropriate, as if you had not received the memo that all public figures are supposed to do things that suggest they are afflicted with either narcissistic personality disorder and/or Asperger’s syndrome, or both, in the calendar year of 2009.
Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:
- Write a “list” post on your blog.
- Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
- Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.
Check out those list lovers:
- 5 Steps to Better Sidebar Navigation in WordPress | ABDPBT Tech
- 8 Arresting Advertisements And Gee-Whiz! Guerrilla Marketing Stunts | ABDPBT Personal Finance
- Tim at Safer By Choice
- Kerry at ClueWagon
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