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Whenever someone touches you in the course of taking a photograph — particularly somebody you like — stiffen up because the physical contact reminds your Id of all the time you spent languishing alone, listening to Wagner in the crib, and thus make sure there is a lasting photographic record that looks like you hate the person with whom you were photographed.
At a small private party, pass out your business cards to everybody seated at a table except for one person, that person to whom you would like to stick it. Then, later, make a show of taking the person aside who invited the questionable person to the party and proceed to slap them on the wrist. Literally, if possible.
Photobomb pictures left and right so as to maximize how many Flickr feeds you get tagged into, even when you have no idea who the people are taking the picture, much less who is posing in them or what their names are.
Agree to interviewed by a soda company on a fake TV set on an expo floor for unknown reasons about banal topics as people from across the country walk past and wonder who you are, hoping that they assume you must be important, because otherwise why would you be interviewed on a fake TV set on an expo floor by a soda company, even if it is about banal topics?
While you are talking to people, always be scanning the room for somebody more important to talk to, and when that person arrives, just leave the conversation you’re currently in to go talk to that person.
Post pictures of people in your Flickr photostream with question marks where there names should be because you’re not sure who they are.
In subsequent pictures in your Flickr photostream, include the names of the very same people who had question marks in previous pictures, because in these pictures their proximity to famous people makes them more recognizable.
Lead more “famous” bloggers around by the hand whenever possible.
Make conspicuous references to how many art exhibits you were able to visit during your 3 day stay in Manhattan, both on Twitter and in conversation.
Start a conversation by saying, “I took a Klonopin,” in a deadpan voice.
When you see something you don’t like on the TV in the elevator in the conference hotel on Day 1 of the conference, be incapable of restraining yourself from punching the TV in front of several other conference attendees, one of whom is getting their camera out to take a picture of the blogger who is currently on CNN.
Come home and write a post that alienates all of the people you just spent all weekend schmoozing.
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That’s interesting, because I recently became the mayor of your mom.
This is hard, because I know how loyal I am . . . to YOUR FACE.
I know how loyal I am to YOUR MOM.
I know how loyal I am to YOUR MOM’S FACE.
[Really, any repetition of a version of these with "FACE or "YOUR MOM" substituted in at the end.]
If there is a copyright issue with that image, let us know and we will happily remove it.
[For example, "If there is a copyright issue with that image, let us know and we will happily get YOUR MOM to remove it," or "we will happily ask YOUR MOM to remove it from YOUR FACE."]
Wasn’t this probably the best night to break out the Johnny Walker Blue Label?
Is it possible that I might have seen this coming?
Really?
Not even when LeBron took off the Cavalier’s jersey before he even made it to the locker room after losing to the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals?
No inkling there, huh?
Let me ask myself this: do winners ever stay in Cleveland?
Now wait — political correctness aside — if they have a choice do winners ever choose to stay in Cleveland? I’m just saying.
Would you stay in Cleveland, dude?
But back to the letter — Comic Sans . . . still think that was the best choice?
Will Comic Sans make it more believable later, when I try to blame the whole thing on 4Chan?
So, let me just clarify my argument: having the greatest current basketball player — possibly the player who will be the greatest player ever to have played — that keeping that guy was not enough motivation for me to win a championship, but now that he’s gone, NOW, I’m totally motivated to win. Yes, yes, that sounds totally reasonable.
And the way I’m going to do this — is with a geriatric Shaq and that guy who looks like Sideshow Bob?
Oh, wait — no, Shaq is a free agent now, too. Scratch that. I’ve got Sideshow Bob and the guy who is allegedly banging LeBron’s mom? That’s my plan?
Still sure about that guarantee?
And the revamp on the Curse of the Bambino, am I sure about that one?
Is it too late to put a call in to Paul Pierce? What about Stoudemire? Has he signed yet?
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Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
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Hey everybody, we’ve got a new featured blogger ad up and running! Please check out Liam at My So-Called Knife in the sidebar ASAP! If you’d like to participate in the ABDPBT Featured Bloggers Program, please email me and I’ll put you on the waiting list.
Just Like The Number Where 2+2=Six. A blog about life in the family Six, party of four.
ABDPBT GLOSSARY
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ONLINE DATING CHRONICLES
Sure, I eventually met my husband, Mr. Right-Click, through online dating. But not before I had dated nearly one hundred of Los Angeles' least suitable bachelors. Laugh along in my Online Dating Chronicles.
SPY ON ME
Looking for something to read? Wondering what I'm reading? Perhaps it's time to start Spying On My Google Reader to find out about the coolest stuff I've read lately on the internet.
MUCKRAKING
Sometimes I like to muckrake. You can read about it here. Oh, and here too. Listen, if I don't do it, that muck will just keep piling up until we have to call a roto-rooter. So really, you should thank me. You're welcome.
LISTS
You know, you slave away at blog posts day after day, you try to write fiction, you try to provide interesting social commentary, but at the end of the day, they come for the lists. Check out List Mondays to see what all the hullabaloo is about, because I sure as hell cannot explain it.
OTHER ABDPBT BLOGS
ABDPBT Personal Finance
Shining a light on the big business of poop.
ABDPBT Tech
Tech for mommy bloggers. Or bloggers who aren't mommies, but hang out with them. Or Dads. Whatever.
ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
This is where I post stuff that I think is cool. Maybe you will think it's cool, too.
FULL ARCHIVES
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ABDPBT Archives
LOS ANGELES
Los Angeles is where I was born and raised. I always thought I'd leave, but for some reason I never did. Sometimes, I like it here. Other times, I'm not so sure. But good or bad, it has made me who I am.
Sometimes I take the melodrama of my life and twist and turn it until it looks almost charming. I do this because I want you to like me:
Cigarettes & Green Felt: This is about the time I figured out that adults were mostly full of shit.
Assburger: It's not just a disorder on the autism spectrum: it's also one of your relatives!
On Truth: Sometimes somebody will say something and it hurts your feelings. And then you will write a story about it and your aunt will call it "phenomenal." Everyone else will try to pretend like it never happened.
The Sheer And Unmitigated Power of Bob Mould: Sometimes you spend your formative years obsessed by an unrequited teenage crush, and then one day you realize that person is now an orthopedic surgeon who lives in your neighborhood. It kinda sucks when that happens.
Ben From Madera: For one Halloween, Ben dressed up like a bee, like that kid in the Blind Melon video. That's how I will always remember him.
Mr. Right-Click
He is my best friend, even if he uses a PC. And the fact that sometimes he will pretend to be a "Pancake Pirate" is only part of the reason. Arrrr!
Mini
His cutie-pie percentile group is off the charts.
Spinning
If you think this is just about exercise, then you have underestimated how wildly inappropriate people can be when they undergo physical pain in a group setting.
pictures left and right so as to maximize how many Flickr feeds you get tagged into, even when you have no idea who the people are taking the picture, much less who is posing in them or what their names are.
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