ABDPBT » political humor

21 Things To Consider Before You Crash A State Dinner At The White House

anna — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:00:11 +0000

Is this really the best way to get my pressing questions about nationalized health care answered?
What course do we use that weird-shaped knife for, again? I can never remember.
Do we have to stop eating when Obama does? Or is that only in Monaco?
Did I order the fish or the chicken? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t invited.
Is fire-engine red really my best color?
Why don’t I spell my name “Michelle” like everyone else in the entire world?
What about sequins and sheer fabric on saris? Will those go over well with the Indian Prime Minister?
Is getting into the cast of The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. worth posing a threat to the President’s life?
What about making an ass out of yourself in front of the whole world? Is getting onto the cast of The Real Housewives of D.C. worth that? Oh, you’re right — moot point.
Is exposing Presidential security breaches on a world stage really what they mean by “guerilla marketing”?
Also, exactly what am I marketing?
Do gorillas have money?
And can I even confirm that gorillas will be interested in it?
What would Sarah Palin do?
What would Joe The Plumber do?
What would the balloon boy’s dad do?
What could I possibly have to say that would interest any of these people enough for them to not mind me having broken into the White House?
What is Spielberg’s wife’s name again?
How will I handle the fallout from having demonstrated a successful means of getting within a handshake’s distance of the President for any would be evil-doers who might be looking for a way in?
Will Al Qaeda have trouble finding aging, bleached blonde doctors’ wives to sweet-talk their way past Secret Service and gain access to the President?
Is Al Qaeda a fan of The Real Housewives franchise?

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"21 Things To Consider Before You Crash A State Dinner At The White House" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on November 30, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

12 Things To Do Right After You Win The Nobel Peace Prize

anna — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:00:52 +0000

These people are in favor of peace.

First, have somebody confirm that you were nominated. Because this is the first you’ve heard about it.
If yes, then you need to get somebody on the Hillary Situation STAT.
Issue a statement — ooh! use the fact that you didn’t know you were nominated — that’s good. Also throw in something about being humbled, &c.
Later on, you can say something about how this isn’t an award for you, it’s an award for American leadership or some other Si, Se Puede! bullshit — they usually eat that stuff up, and I mean, what are you supposed to say? It’s not like you were expecting this!
Beyond that, see if Desmond Tutu can come up with a good spin. That Tutu always has the best spins.
Remind the naysayers that your wife’s ancestry has just been traced directly to a slave-girl who was raped by her white owner, and now she’s the First Lady, and if that’s not fucking worth some kind of goddamn prize, then you’re not the President of the United States. Also, that they can suck it.
Remind the naysayers that, just a few days before the nominations for this year’s prize were submitted, you signed an order banning torture and ordering that Gitmo be closed within a year, and that even if it’s not still on track to be closed within that year, it’s not because you haven’t been trying to get it closed. And also, that they can suck it.
See if Al Gore and Jimmy Carter have any interest in starting some kind of Dreamworks SKG like endeavor for ex-politicians once this gig is over. Because you are running out of things to accomplish now, and you are only 48.
Distract yourself from the fact that your reaction to receiving the award was almost identical to Fidel Castro’s take on your receiving the award by imagining, with mirth, what George W. Bush’s reaction to both would had to have been, if he had a brain, and could react to things like this.
Reflect, again, on how funny it is that a Swedish guy who made all of his money from dynamite would set up this foundation so that five Norwegians could give out prizes to people, after his death, for promoting peace. And that this is an instance of what in common parlance is referred to as “irony,” but is actually not an instance of irony in its strict definition.
Reflect that it’s really hard not to make fun of Scandinavians at times like these, even if you are the President of the United States, and the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
Seriously, aren’t the Norwegians the ones who leave their babies in strollers outside when they go in to shops? In the winter? How is that OK? That is not OK.

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"12 Things To Do Right After You Win The Nobel Peace Prize" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on October 12, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

8 Ways To Make Yourself Stand Out At A Fake Awards Show, Or At An Open Session Of Congress, Or Both.

anna — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 08:00:22 +0000

When Kanye West gets up to interrupt someone who is accepting an award, get up and interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting, and I’mma let you finish, but I really thought 50-Cent’s album was better than yours. Just felt it was important to say that. Yes, I feel strongly that now is the appropriate time for this. Exactly this moment, as a matter of fact.”

I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.

When Lady Gaga gets up to accept an award with red lace covering the entirety of her face, interrupt her speech while wearing a shirt that says: “JIMMY CARTER SAY: THE WORDS OF GOD DO NOT JUSTIFY CRUELTY TO WOMEN.”

Addendum to #2: When Lady Gaga gets up to accept her award wearing some kind of New Age-inspired red lace burqa with accompanying crown, interrupt her by saying, “Yo, Gaga. I know you’re busy being all ‘out-there’ and ‘fashionably adventurous,’ and I’mma let you finish, but first I need to spray fake blood all over myself and then have a bunch of young gay men lift me up so I can hang from a noose in the middle of the stage. If you don’t mind.“

Take Eminem aside and explain to him what being a “gay icon” means, and requires of one, fashionably speaking. While you are doing this, make sure you are quick on your feet, just in case he tries to hit you when he realizes that he was expressing grave concern over someone who might not even be a woman after all.

When Joe Wilson interrupts the President’s speech to Congress by shouting, “You lie!”, accurately capture the relevancy of his point of view by interrupting him with, “Yo, Joe Wilson. I know you’re busy stewing in racially motivated hatred and paranoia, and I’mma let you finish, but let me first get this out: THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!”

When you’re a Disney star accepting a fake award from a fake awards show for a song that nobody over the age of 30 has ever heard or wants to know about, and Kanye West jumps on stage to interrupt you, right after he says, “I’mma let you finish,” instead of crying, what you gotta do is this: you interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting me, and I’mma let you finish, but I gotta say that I’ve never been this close to a black man before and I find I’m strangely excited and frightened at the same time.” Then, in the ensuing silence and tense atmosphere, grab your award and walk off stage.

If you’re the guy that beat out Michael Jordan for a spot on his high school basketball team, and he’s invited you to sit there in the audience and eat shit while he gets inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, arrange to have Phil Collins show up, and then at just the right moment, when Jordan’s really switching it into high narcissisistic gear with the stories about fighting his brothers, then you get Phil Collins to be lowered down on stage with his drumset, playing the opening beat to “In The Air Tonight.” And then when Phil’s finally lowered down and there’s a spotlight searching aimlessly around the audience, Phil Collins will say “Yo, Air Jordan. I know you’re busy making this poor dude you went to high school eat shit on ESPN for no good reason, and I’mma let you finish, but first let me tell you this, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight — oh LORD — and I been waiting for this moment for all my life!”

Sit quietly in your seat, taking notes, nodding your head, and/or clapping where appropriate, as if you had not received the memo that all public figures are supposed to do things that suggest they are afflicted with either narcissistic personality disorder and/or Asperger’s syndrome, or both, in the calendar year of 2009.

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"8 Ways To Make Yourself Stand Out At A Fake Awards Show, Or At An Open Session Of Congress, Or Both." was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on September 21, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

26 Exclamations That Are Awkward To Make In The Middle Of A Presidential Address

anna — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 08:00:47 +0000

Photo by MuffyZ at deviantART

Shotgun!
Fire!
Yahtzee!
Bingo!
SAFE!
Marco!
Polo!
Freebird!
I am the Lizard King — I can do ANYTHING!
If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it!
I make the GOOD GIRLS GO BAD!
I did it all for the nookie!
8-ball, corner pocket!
Gooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!
You can’t HANDLE the truth!
You had me at hello!
The British are coming!
Sic semper tyrannis!
Ich bin ein Berliner
Мы вас похороним!
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!
I see London, I see France, I see Joe Biden’s underpants!
Red Rover, Red Rover, let Nancy Pelosi come over!
Ready or not, here I come!
Nancy and Joe Biden, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G . . .”
Last one to the Rotunda’s a ROTTEN EGG!

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"26 Exclamations That Are Awkward To Make In The Middle Of A Presidential Address" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on September 14, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

The 12 Steps of Resigned Governors Anonymous

anna — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:00:40 +0000

We admitted we were powerless over David Letterman—that the public perception of our scandals had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a PR wizard or superstar agent with connections greater than our own could restore us to being quietly tolerated by the general public.
Made a decision to turn our careers over to the care of Ari Emmanuel as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves in front of CNN cameras, using metaphors stolen from The Thornbirds. Or, in other cases, against our wills because they tapped our phones and hacked into our email archives, or the McCain camp leaked evidence of our absurdities to the Liberal Media.
Admitted to Ari Emmanuel, to our long-suffering spouses (standing behind us wearing shit-eating grins), and to another civil servant–the guy stuck with cleaning up the mess after we quit–the exact nature of our wrongs. (Well, kind of. Might have left a few things out, but more or less the exact nature of our wrongs.)
Were entirely ready to have Ari Emmanuel make it appear as if all of these defects of character had been removed. I mean, if you want to call them defects. It seems a little harsh.
Humbly asked Ari Emmanuel to remove our shortcomings. Or, barring that, to at least make it seem like our shortcomings had been removed. Howevermuch it costs.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, as well as those we never got a chance to harm. Became willing to figure out new ways to harm them, now that our abuse of state administrative power was not an option.
Paid for direct flights to Argentina on our personal credit cards wherever possible, except when to do so would incite the interest of the Liberal Media.
Continued to take inventory of clothing purchased from Neiman Marcus with campaign funds and when we had worn it listed it on eBay along with spare state-funded aircraft.
Sought through lessened media contact and ignoring of late night talk show hosts to improve our conscious contact with reality as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of Our Party’s will for us and, someday, the power to carry that out. Without bribes.
Having had a political awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others on Twitter, where we wouldn’t be edited out of context. And to look into using the things people call “principles” in all our affairs, be they extra marital or otherwise.

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"The 12 Steps of Resigned Governors Anonymous" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on July 06, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

17 Things To Do If Your Governor Is Missing

anna — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:00:06 +0000

See if Shaq has seen him on Twitter.
Brainstorm alternative methods for obtaining a pardon from your death sentence–and fast.
Retrace your steps one by one.
See if the Lieutenant Governor has a comment to make.
Try to figure out who the Lieutenant Governor is.
Check to see if he’s hiding behind clichés from the The Thornbirds.
If you live in Alaska, check the monologue notes at Worldwide Pants.
Post pictures around your neighborhood and contact your local humane society.
Become temporarily distracted by the death of a pop star.
If you live in Minnesota, check the latest WWF listings.
See if you can railroad approval for TARP funds through the state’s legislature in his absence.
If you live in 1930s Louisiana, check the cement foundations of any recent building projects.
See if he’s waiting in line outside the Apple Store.
If you live in Illinois, check the FBI wire taps of his phone.
If you live in Illinois, and the wire taps yield nothing, check underneath his toupée.
Check to see if he’s eating a salad under a palm tree.
If you live in California, check the (virtual) cutting room floor at Industrial Lights and Magic.

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"17 Things To Do If Your Governor Is Missing" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on June 29, 2009. Copyright ®2009 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.