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Publicly petition Facebook to add a new “frenemy” classification to the “relationship status” category.
When they ask why, tell them it’s because you need to add your former friend to it. Then retweet that.
Write a post on your blog about how angry you are that Facebook insisted on notifying everyone that you had changed your status from “friend” to “frenemy,” even though you weren’t really mad, you were just kidding around, and even though you still totally think Facebook is lame, even though everyone seems to love it. But then people will totally take you seriously because they are super touchy about Facebook because Facebook is apparently some kind of fucking sacred cow (with a moronic interface).
Talk to somebody at Facebook about adding a new “Facebook frenemy” classification to the “relationship status” category, except do it on the down low this time because you don’t want people all up your ass about Facebook this and Facebook that and turn off the birthday notifications if you don’t want all your not real “Facebook frenemies” to know about it, it’s really quite simple and you’ve had your birthday on there from the beginning and whatnot.
Suggest that they are not at the top of their profession, or that they are only “among” those at the top of their profession, especially if it is one of those totally unusual cases in which there is really an indisputable top of the profession, and it so happens that the frenemy is the person at the top of it.
Start a new hashtag on Twitter called #youshouldallknowthatwearefrenemiesnow.
Get interviewed in an online magazine and when they ask you for your occupation, say that you are the “Creator of the hashtag #youshouldallknowthatwearefrenemiesnow.”
I think some of you already know Ryan from Pacing The Panic Room, but you might not know about his latest project which is, and I’m not bullshiting you here — awesome. He’s curating this collection of kids music to benefit research on Smith Magenis Syndrome, a condition with which his step-son was diagnosed a few years ago and about which there is basically no information available. Listen, the album of music is great, great kids music, it has a really Yo Gabba Gabba kind of feel to it, I listened to it this afternoon and it’s great, and it launches on iTunes today, so Ryan’s trying to get it out there with this cute little widget that I’ve pasted below. Check it out — the music, the widget, consider sharing it, I really think it’s great. If nothing else, check out the potty song because it will crack you up. [Note: If you're reading this in a reader, the widget won't show up, so visit this page to see what I'm talking about.]
Retell a joke I made two years ago as if you made it up yourself.
When that doesn’t get you any attention, write a whole blog post about it that nobody will read or make comments on.
After I question whether or not a 9-person accurately can be rightfully be described as “mighty,” update the attendees page of your website to include four more attendees, including someone who is “among the most popular “mommybloggers” in the world.” [Ed. Note: "Among"? What's with the hedges? Cannot we just give her the title at this point?]
Even though you unfollowed and blocked me months ago on Twitter for some infraction you cannot recall,@-reply me with expletive-laden tweets whenever an opportunity presents itself to make it look like I’ve been talking to, about, or anything tangentially related to you. Which — I haven’t, for the record. I haven’t, for the love of Christ.
Send me an improvised, copied and pasted version of a cease-and-desist letter via email for linking to photos of cupcakes that you posted publicly on Twitpic.
After trolling Butterick for the latest in skin suit patterns, call me to find out whether I’m a seamstress’ size 8 or only in labels with vanity sizing.
In the middle of a conference session I’m attending, stand up and scream, “It puts the fucking lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again!”
Is it fair or ethically sound to run a cost-free fundraiser in the middle of a conference, gain mainstream media coverage, and encourage everybody to wear themed clothing in support of your cause, when there are other, legitimate charities that have paid thousands of dollars for advertising and/or expo hall space at that same conference?
What about conference organizers who allow this kind of thing to happen? Would they allow it to happen for just any person who tried to do it? What if, say, I tried to do it? Would it have worked in the same way, hypothetically? Just tossing out hypotheticals here.
Will you help me get my novel published, person whom I barely know, and member of marginalized group about which I have recently written a scathingly intolerant post that has received a great deal of attention in our relatively small corner of the internet?
Does this tutu make my butt look twenty-six again?
Has this LOLCat thing gotten old yet?
Will anyone notice if I delete this post?
Is destruction creative?
Did you rip that off wholesale from Donnie Darko, or are we supposed to believe you were up late reading obscure Hindu texts?
Will I ever run out of material?
Are any of these people likely to stop any time soon?
Just Like The Number Where 2+2=Six. A blog about life in the family Six, party of four.
ABDPBT GLOSSARY
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ONLINE DATING CHRONICLES
Sure, I eventually met my husband, Mr. Right-Click, through online dating. But not before I had dated nearly one hundred of Los Angeles' least suitable bachelors. Laugh along in my Online Dating Chronicles.
SPY ON ME
Looking for something to read? Wondering what I'm reading? Perhaps it's time to start Spying On My Google Reader to find out about the coolest stuff I've read lately on the internet.
MUCKRAKING
Sometimes I like to muckrake. You can read about it here. Oh, and here too. Listen, if I don't do it, that muck will just keep piling up until we have to call a roto-rooter. So really, you should thank me. You're welcome.
LISTS
You know, you slave away at blog posts day after day, you try to write fiction, you try to provide interesting social commentary, but at the end of the day, they come for the lists. Check out List Mondays to see what all the hullabaloo is about, because I sure as hell cannot explain it.
OTHER ABDPBT BLOGS
ABDPBT Personal Finance
Shining a light on the big business of poop.
ABDPBT Tech
Tech for mommy bloggers. Or bloggers who aren't mommies, but hang out with them. Or Dads. Whatever.
ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
This is where I post stuff that I think is cool. Maybe you will think it's cool, too.
FULL ARCHIVES
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LOS ANGELES
Los Angeles is where I was born and raised. I always thought I'd leave, but for some reason I never did. Sometimes, I like it here. Other times, I'm not so sure. But good or bad, it has made me who I am.
Sometimes I take the melodrama of my life and twist and turn it until it looks almost charming. I do this because I want you to like me:
Cigarettes & Green Felt: This is about the time I figured out that adults were mostly full of shit.
Assburger: It's not just a disorder on the autism spectrum: it's also one of your relatives!
On Truth: Sometimes somebody will say something and it hurts your feelings. And then you will write a story about it and your aunt will call it "phenomenal." Everyone else will try to pretend like it never happened.
The Sheer And Unmitigated Power of Bob Mould: Sometimes you spend your formative years obsessed by an unrequited teenage crush, and then one day you realize that person is now an orthopedic surgeon who lives in your neighborhood. It kinda sucks when that happens.
Ben From Madera: For one Halloween, Ben dressed up like a bee, like that kid in the Blind Melon video. That's how I will always remember him.
Mr. Right-Click
He is my best friend, even if he uses a PC. And the fact that sometimes he will pretend to be a "Pancake Pirate" is only part of the reason. Arrrr!
Mini
His cutie-pie percentile group is off the charts.
Spinning
If you think this is just about exercise, then you have underestimated how wildly inappropriate people can be when they undergo physical pain in a group setting.
#youshouldallknowthatwearefrenemiesnow.”
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