1. Publicly petition Facebook to add a new “frenemy” classification to the “relationship status” category.
2. When they ask why, tell them it’s because you need to add your former friend to it. Then retweet that.
3. Write a post on your blog about how angry you are that Facebook insisted on notifying everyone that you had changed your status from “friend” to “frenemy,” even though you weren’t really mad, you were just kidding around, and even though you still totally think Facebook is lame, even though everyone seems to love it. But then people will totally take you seriously because they are super touchy about Facebook because Facebook is apparently some kind of fucking sacred cow (with a moronic interface).
4. Talk to somebody at Facebook about adding a new “Facebook frenemy” classification to the “relationship status” category, except do it on the down low this time because you don’t want people all up your ass about Facebook this and Facebook that and turn off the birthday notifications if you don’t want all your not real “Facebook frenemies” to know about it, it’s really quite simple and you’ve had your birthday on there from the beginning and whatnot.
5. Figure out a way to publicly mock their life’s work — like, say, not taking the concept of a bucket list 100% seriously, when the frenemy has created an entire business model around the concept of a bucket list.
6. Suggest that they are not at the top of their profession, or that they are only “among” those at the top of their profession, especially if it is one of those totally unusual cases in which there is really an indisputable top of the profession, and it so happens that the frenemy is the person at the top of it.
7. Start a new hashtag on Twitter called #youshouldallknowthatwearefrenemiesnow.
8. Get interviewed in an online magazine and when they ask you for your occupation, say that you are the “Creator of the hashtag #youshouldallknowthatwearefrenemiesnow.”

Glossary terms: life list, Mighty Summit, motrinmoms, creator of the hashtag

Check out these list lovers:

1. 4 Inner Truth Mugs By Knock Knock | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
2. Blogger and Brand Pairings: Baby Care Products With Established Niche Blogger | ABDPBT Personal Finance
3. Shasta at Blogging With Mittens
4. Brooke at Mommy In Chief
5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

PS BEFORE YOU GO, PLEASE CHECK IT OUT

I think some of you already know Ryan from Pacing The Panic Room, but you might not know about his latest project which is, and I’m not bullshiting you here — awesome. He’s curating this collection of kids music to benefit research on Smith Magenis Syndrome, a condition with which his step-son was diagnosed a few years ago and about which there is basically no information available. Listen, the album of music is great, great kids music, it has a really Yo Gabba Gabba kind of feel to it, I listened to it this afternoon and it’s great, and it launches on iTunes today, so Ryan’s trying to get it out there with this cute little widget that I’ve pasted below. Check it out — the music, the widget, consider sharing it, I really think it’s great. If nothing else, check out the potty song because it will crack you up. [Note: If you're reading this in a reader, the widget won't show up, so visit this page to see what I'm talking about.]

"8 Awkward Ways To Announce To The World That Your Friend Is Now Your Frenemy" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on August 30, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Retell a joke I made two years ago as if you made it up yourself.
2. When that doesn’t get you any attention, write a whole blog post about it that nobody will read or make comments on.
3. After I question whether or not a 9-person accurately can be rightfully be described as “mighty,” update the attendees page of your website to include four more attendees, including someone who is “among the most popular “mommybloggers” in the world.” [Ed. Note: "Among"? What's with the hedges? Cannot we just give her the title at this point?]
4. Even though you unfollowed and blocked me months ago on Twitter for some infraction you cannot recall,@-reply me with expletive-laden tweets whenever an opportunity presents itself to make it look like I’ve been talking to, about, or anything tangentially related to you. Which — I haven’t, for the record. I haven’t, for the love of Christ.
5. Send me an improvised, copied and pasted version of a cease-and-desist letter via email for linking to photos of cupcakes that you posted publicly on Twitpic.
6. After trolling Butterick for the latest in skin suit patterns, call me to find out whether I’m a seamstress’ size 8 or only in labels with vanity sizing.
7. In the middle of a conference session I’m attending, stand up and scream, “It puts the fucking lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again!”

Glossary terms: Mighty Summit, Dooce, Maggie Mason, branded cupcakes, motrinmoms

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1. How To Fire Your Ad Network And Start Making Money From Your Blog: The Free Ebook To Selling Private Ads From ABDPBT Is FINALLY HERE! | ABDPBT Personal Finance
2. Personalized Lunchboxes By Feterie | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
3. Ginger at Ramble Ramble
4. Kitchen Door Katy

"7 Behaviors Just Might That Blow Your Whole “I Don’t Deign To Read Your Blog Or Follow You On Twitter” Cover" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on August 23, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Why does everyone think we are a cult?
2. Is this really the happiest place on earth?
3. Are bloggers #realwriters?
4. Is that the real issue at hand?
5. Is it fair or ethically sound to run a cost-free fundraiser in the middle of a conference, gain mainstream media coverage, and encourage everybody to wear themed clothing in support of your cause, when there are other, legitimate charities that have paid thousands of dollars for advertising and/or expo hall space at that same conference?
6. What about conference organizers who allow this kind of thing to happen? Would they allow it to happen for just any person who tried to do it? What if, say, I tried to do it? Would it have worked in the same way, hypothetically? Just tossing out hypotheticals here.
7. Will you help me get my novel published, person whom I barely know, and member of marginalized group about which I have recently written a scathingly intolerant post that has received a great deal of attention in our relatively small corner of the internet?
8. Does this tutu make my butt look twenty-six again?
9. Has this LOLCat thing gotten old yet?
10. Will anyone notice if I delete this post?
11. Is destruction creative?
12. Did you rip that off wholesale from Donnie Darko, or are we supposed to believe you were up late reading obscure Hindu texts?
13. Will I ever run out of material?
14. Are any of these people likely to stop any time soon?

Glossary terms: realwriters, deodorant party, Jen Lancaster, BHJ, Jesus Christ LancaStar, tutusfortanner

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"14 Questions For Which You Already Have The Answer, Grasshopper" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on August 16, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Whenever someone touches you in the course of taking a photograph — particularly somebody you like — stiffen up because the physical contact reminds your Id of all the time you spent languishing alone, listening to Wagner in the crib, and thus make sure there is a lasting photographic record that looks like you hate the person with whom you were photographed.



2. At a small private party, pass out your business cards to everybody seated at a table except for one person, that person to whom you would like to stick it. Then, later, make a show of taking the person aside who invited the questionable person to the party and proceed to slap them on the wrist. Literally, if possible.
3. Photobomb pictures left and right so as to maximize how many Flickr feeds you get tagged into, even when you have no idea who the people are taking the picture, much less who is posing in them or what their names are.



4. Agree to interviewed by a soda company on a fake TV set on an expo floor for unknown reasons about banal topics as people from across the country walk past and wonder who you are, hoping that they assume you must be important, because otherwise why would you be interviewed on a fake TV set on an expo floor by a soda company, even if it is about banal topics?
5. While you are talking to people, always be scanning the room for somebody more important to talk to, and when that person arrives, just leave the conversation you’re currently in to go talk to that person.
6. Post pictures of people in your Flickr photostream with question marks where there names should be because you’re not sure who they are.
7. In subsequent pictures in your Flickr photostream, include the names of the very same people who had question marks in previous pictures, because in these pictures their proximity to famous people makes them more recognizable.
8. Lead more “famous” bloggers around by the hand whenever possible.
9. Make conspicuous references to how many art exhibits you were able to visit during your 3 day stay in Manhattan, both on Twitter and in conversation.
10. Start a conversation by saying, “I took a Klonopin,” in a deadpan voice.
11. When you see something you don’t like on the TV in the elevator in the conference hotel on Day 1 of the conference, be incapable of restraining yourself from punching the TV in front of several other conference attendees, one of whom is getting their camera out to take a picture of the blogger who is currently on CNN.
12. Come home and write a post that alienates all of the people you just spent all weekend schmoozing.

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"12 Ineffective Methods Of Social Climbing" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on August 09, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Oprah Winfrey private plane-pooled with Barbara Streisand and the Speilbergs to save money and conserve jet fuel.
2. Guests were asked to limit themselves to one slice of the $17,000 cake. Two slices were allowed in some cases, but only for people who were really really hungry.
3. In lieu of wedding gifts, guests were asked to donate directly to the graduate education trust funds of the couple’s future children, since the undergraduate education funds have already been maxed out.
4. The guest list was significantly shortened in order to reduce costs, as well as to completely remove the chances of the Obamas attending.
5. The favors were gold-plated Tiffany picture frames engraved with the wedding date and with a portrait of the lovely couple inside, instead of the platinum ones that Hillary initially had picked out.
6. Instead of beef, they went with chicken.
7. Vera Wang agreed to provide the wedding dress at a special rate if she could also attend the wedding as a guest.
8. Ted Danson offered to make his first public appearance without hair dye in twenty five years.
9. After leading the group in a moment of silence for the BP oil spill crisis, Al Gore passed around a hat to get donations to clean up the Gulf. It came back with $500 million in loose change, plus a note that said, “Give it up, Al. Everybody knows you didn’t really invent the internet. Signed, Steve Jobs.”

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1. My Very Belated #7Link Challenge Post Via ProBlogger | ABDPBT Personal Finance
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"9 Concessions To The Recession Made At The Chelsea Clinton Wedding" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on August 02, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Stage a respectful protest of Yummie Tummie promotional tweets in the weeks prior to BlogHer 2011 due to my skepticism that the ingestion of fifty pounds of branded cupcakes can be restrained by any amount of lycra spandex, however well-engineered.
2. Start a BlogHer conference pass scalping ring.
3. Add a descriptive term to (“provocative” ?) to my URL to help people understand that I am edgy.
4. Use more expletives in my writing.
5. Wait. That’s not possible. Never mind.
6. Take a really radical stand on something like breastfeeding. Like, say, come out as being pro-breastfeeding. Because that is really hard to do in today’s society, particularly online. It’s just so edgy, and provocative, to be willing to take a stand and say, “I breastfeed my child,” and expect people to applaud you for doing it.
7. And this goes doubly in the mommyblogging community, where there is so much open support of formula feeders.
8. What we need are more people who are willing to talk, openly, about how much they love to breastfeed. Yes! That — that is provocative!
9. Find a multinational corporation to despise.
10. Make a thing of it.
11. In fact, why not? Get a PhD in my despise of multinational corporations.
12. Oh? There’s no PhD in that? Well, never mind. Nobody will check.
13. Consider breastfeeding another woman’s child at a conference.
14. Write a post about how I breastfed another woman’s child at a conference.
15. Lead a panel on the radical act of breastfeeding another woman’s child at a conference at another conference.
16. If I can, break into tears in the middle of moderating my panel at another conference about my radical act of breastfeeding another woman’s child at a conference.
17. Provided my panel about breastfeeding another woman’s child at a conference is a success (it will be), start a whole conference devoted to the radical act of breastfeeding the children of women who can’t or (more likely) just fucking won’t breastfeed their own children because they are lazy and selfish and not willing to live on the edge.
18. Fine-tune the rhetorical gaps on my application to the Mighty Summit.
19. Speaking of which, check out the romper section at American Apparel.

Glossary terms: respectful protest, Yummie Tummie, branded cupcakes, boobgate, conference pass scalping, Nestle, provocative, Mighty Summit, Broad Summit, Maggie Mason

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1. How To Get The Most Out Of A BlogHer 2010, Businesswise | ABDPBT Personal Finance
2. 4 Tech Items To Pack For Your Next Blogging Conference | ABDPBT Tech
3. Kitchen Door Katy
4. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

"Brainstorming New Paths Of Provocation For The Coming Year" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on July 26, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. I’m taking my talents to South Beach.
2. Oh? Well, I’m taking my talents to YOUR MOM.
3. That’s interesting, because I recently became the mayor of your mom.
4. This is hard, because I know how loyal I am . . . to YOUR FACE.
5. I know how loyal I am to YOUR MOM.
6. I know how loyal I am to YOUR MOM’S FACE.
7. [Really, any repetition of a version of these with "FACE or "YOUR MOM" substituted in at the end.]
8. If there is a copyright issue with that image, let us know and we will happily remove it.
9. [For example, "If there is a copyright issue with that image, let us know and we will happily get YOUR MOM to remove it," or "we will happily ask YOUR MOM to remove it from YOUR FACE."]
10. The facts reflect that BlogHer actually is doing a better job of monetizing your blog for you this year versus last.
11. All animals are equal. Some animals are more equal than others.
12. Rough Day? Hugs!
13. If you don’t want an iPhone, don’t buy it.
14. If you bought an iPhone and you don’t like it, bring it back.
15. We’re not perfect. We know that. Our phones aren’t perfect. But we want to make our users happy.
16. The iPhone 4 is perhaps the best product we have ever made at Apple.
17. Noted.

Glossary terms: sparklecorn, unicorn cake, MamaPop, copyright issue, weeping from the awesome, monetizing your blog for you, taking my talents to South Beach

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1. Establishing Rules For Trips, Barters, & Other Blogger Grey Areas | ABDPBT Personal Finance
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5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble
6. Amanda at Adventures of a Sober Mommy

"17 Inventive Euphemisms For Fuck Off, Asshole(s)" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on July 19, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. How much have I been drinking tonight?
2. Was it top shelf alcohol?
3. Shouldn’t it have been?
4. Wasn’t this probably the best night to break out the Johnny Walker Blue Label?
5. Is it possible that I might have seen this coming?
6. Really?
7. Not even when LeBron took off the Cavalier’s jersey before he even made it to the locker room after losing to the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals?
8. No inkling there, huh?
9. Let me ask myself this: do winners ever stay in Cleveland?
10. Now wait — political correctness aside — if they have a choice do winners ever choose to stay in Cleveland? I’m just saying.
11. Would you stay in Cleveland, dude?
12. But back to the letter — Comic Sans . . . still think that was the best choice?
13. Will Comic Sans make it more believable later, when I try to blame the whole thing on 4Chan?
14. So, let me just clarify my argument: having the greatest current basketball player — possibly the player who will be the greatest player ever to have played — that keeping that guy was not enough motivation for me to win a championship, but now that he’s gone, NOW, I’m totally motivated to win. Yes, yes, that sounds totally reasonable.
15. And the way I’m going to do this — is with a geriatric Shaq and that guy who looks like Sideshow Bob?
16. Oh, wait — no, Shaq is a free agent now, too. Scratch that. I’ve got Sideshow Bob and the guy who is allegedly banging LeBron’s mom? That’s my plan?
17. Still sure about that guarantee?
18. And the revamp on the Curse of the Bambino, am I sure about that one?
19. Is it too late to put a call in to Paul Pierce? What about Stoudemire? Has he signed yet?

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Hey everybody, we’ve got a new featured blogger ad up and running! Please check out Liam at My So-Called Knife in the sidebar ASAP! If you’d like to participate in the ABDPBT Featured Bloggers Program, please email me and I’ll put you on the waiting list.

"19 Things To Ask Yourself Before Posting A Hate Letter To The Best Basketball Player In The World On Your NBA Team’s Website" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on July 12, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. Your best pair of Crocs, because if you don’t get any for free, I hear it is difficult to strong arm yourself a free pair.
2. A Yummie Tummie tank or two, just so you can pretend like you were sponsored to wear them, too.
3. An extra iPhone battery pack.
4. That last one was actually an earnest suggestion. Sorry to throw you off.
5. While I’m at it with the earnest suggestions, if you have access to some kind of 3G wireless network card for your laptop, bring that. The hotel wireless system in these places is almost never equipped to deal with tech conferences, and almost always crashes.
6. Now back to the snark.
7. A towel, your best pair of boxing gloves, and a straight razor with which you can ask Mickey to cut the swelling — that way, you won’t miss any of the action at the swag table.
8. An extra suitcase to fit all of your swag.
9. The original, smaller suitcase for when you realize that you really don’t want like 99% of the crap that they give you, and it’s not worth the extra luggage fee on Southwest Air to bring it all home.
10. Shame over flying on Southwest Air in the wake of the Kevin Smith Incident.
11. Vaseline for your teeth to accommodate the need for 24/7 smiling happy sunshine.
12. Some protein to counterbalance the carb-heavy conference catering.
13. Kleenex, lest you be overcome with weeping from the awesome.
14. A gas mask to assuage any discomfort that might be caused by the respectful protest against Nestle planned.
15. A few Nestle Crunch bars to get you through, just in case they are hard to get, in light of the respectful protest.
16. A healthy sense of humor.

Glossary terms: Croctomom, Yummie Tummie, swag, swaghags, weeping from the awesome, Nestle, masterstroke, respectful protest

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1. MommyBlog Traffic Building Strategies That Don’t Require Major Life Trauma Or Stress | ABDPBT Personal Finance
2. Katy at Confused Dildo
3. Susan at Things I Learned Today

"16 Things To Pack For BlogHer 2010" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on July 05, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.

1. The World Cup continues its endless tournament, despite my steadfast refusal to watch it.
2. Burger King has decided to sign off on a promotional campaign with the Eclipse chapter of the Twilight franchise for their kids meals — meaning that the “toy” given out to my 3-year-old was a plastic version of Edward’s black emo metrosexual vampire bracelet, even though Eclipse is not even recommended for kids under the age of 13, even if I were crazy enough to want to take my child to see it.
3. I hesitated to write item 2 above, knowing the gasps that were likely to escape around the blogosphere when people realize that I’ve taken my toddler to Burger King as recently as this month, let alone ever, and now have admitted it publicly, for shame.
4. Apple releases another iPhone that is bigger and uglier than the previous versions, but claims that it is thinner and lighter. Against all reason and their own powers of observation, everyone appears to accept this explanation, presumably because it came from Steve Jobs.
5. The Sandinistas put an Argentinian flag the size of, well, almost as big as Argentina itself, on the outside of their house, presumably for the duration of the World Cup. Which, as far as I can tell, is for fucking ever.
6. People report that the antenna on the bigger and uglier (yet still somehow smaller and thinner) iPhone stops working sometimes. Unworried, Apple says this is not true.
7. Gizmodo and like, every other tech blog on the planet argues with them, even going so far as to submit videos documenting the problem with antennas being shorted out because of poor design. So then Apple admits, “Sure, it happens if you hold the phone the wrong way.” So then multitudes of people set about trying to hold the phone the right way.
8. Meanwhile, as if all this Apple-related nonsense isn’t enough, the World Cup absurdity rages on, as if a confederacy of dunces has decided to pretend like soccer isn’t the most frustratingly annoying and boring game ever to have been invented other than baseball.
9. Engadget then goes about compiling all of the various times in Apple ads in which people hold the new iPhone the “wrong” way. Meanwhile, Apple continues to sell out of new iPhones, and users find new ways of fixing the “problem” that Apple does not really acknowledge as a problem through placing tape over the antenna or covering it with nail polish.
10. The United States loses to Ghana in the World Cup, and people actually pretend like they give a shit about this.
11. You Tube installs a vuvuzela button on their video player, as if to say, “If you do not know what a vuvuzela is, then clearly you have no place in the popular culture gestalt of June of 2010.”
12. I continue to wait, patiently, for the day that the vuvuzela button gets removed from the You Tube player, considering it a victory of sorts — or a signal that our time in this purgatory of early summer cultural wasteland is nearing an end.
13. Nobody stands up and says, “Do not buy the new iPhone! Its antenna sucks, and they still haven’t fixed the AT&T problem. And, what’s more, WHAT ABOUT FLASH?”
14. Not only that, people continue to act like the iPad is something great, rather than something to be ridiculed as just a giant version of the iTouch that is named after feminine hygiene products.
15. Basketball season is still so far . . . so very very far away from starting. Couldn’t be farther, almost, from starting.
16. I will need a new laptop soon, and I know damn well that I’ll get another Mac. And knowing this kills me just a little inside.

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2. 3 Pieces From The Modern Rock Collection By Metalicious | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
3. Katy at Confused Dildo
4. Alexis at The Well-Read Mom
5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

Glossary terms: this changes everything

"16 Reasons That June Of 2010 Will Someday Be Declared The Most Annoyingly Lame Month Ever" was written by Anna Viele for ABDPBT and was originally posted on June 28, 2010. Copyright ®2010 Anna Viele for ABDPBT, Inc. and licensed for reuse under Creative Commons BY-NC-SA 3.0. All other rights reserved.