Most online depictions of depression differ greatly from my own experience of major clinical depression. Because of this, reading them often makes me irrationally angry.
For the past few weeks I’ve been playing an iPad game called Royal Envoy wherein you are a city planner dispatched by a monarch to rebuild cities on colonial islands in increasingly elaborate scenarios with various specifications and time constraints. I’m not ordinarily much of a gamer but the truth is that I can become addicted to just about anything and now, having finally managed to achieve the gold star for level 57, it’s safe to say that I can add Royal Envoy to the list addictions, past and present: alcohol, cigarettes, candy, cupcakes, coffee, Monster Energy Drinks, and crystal methamphetamine.
Depression is a popular topic for blogs and I’ve written before about how I’m not overly fond of writing or reading about it. So let me apologize in advance for the next few paragraphs. Depression is an annoyance and if untreated it can be dangerous, but fortunately we live in a time where its treatment is drastically improved from even just a few decades ago. It is my experience that there are fantastic medicinal technologies available and I have a gifted psychiatrist. Most of the time I operate in the world as if I am not a depressed person. I am not one of those people who thinks, “Oh, I feel better now. Maybe I will try going off the meds.” I am not under any delusion that my condition is going away, and it doesn’t really bother me: I don’t consider it a disability, I don’t consider myself to be crazy, and I don’t find a need to handwring about it.
Most of all, I think it’s important to say that I don’t need my depression to explain things to people.
When I do suffer symptoms it is because there is a problem with some aspect of my therapy, such as (just a hypothetical), I have to switch medicines because I’m not able to lose the eighteen pounds of
pregnancy breastfeeding weight I put on because of Effexor, and unfortunately there is no way to switch medicines without first weaning off one and then slowly going back up on another.
Here are the symptoms of major clinical depression, as I have it, for anyone who might be curious: I get overwhelmed by things, I become very unproductive. I crave repetitive, soothing tasks, or things that require no attention span whatsoever. Generally I read, play iPad games, watch TV shows, enjoy time with my children, and just wait out the medicine adjustments.
That’s what I’ve been doing, and that’s why I haven’t been around. I find it tough to take pictures of things and produce content when I’m in this state. Fortunately, I also know it’s not permanent. So, for now, back to building fountains.