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30
Nov 2009

21 Things To Consider Before You Crash A State Dinner At The White House

By anna

Photo Released By White House

  1. Is this really the best way to get my pressing questions about nationalized health care answered?
  2. What course do we use that weird-shaped knife for, again? I can never remember.
  3. Do we have to stop eating when Obama does? Or is that only in Monaco?
  4. Did I order the fish or the chicken? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t invited.
  5. Is fire-engine red really my best color?
  6. Why don’t I spell my name “Michelle” like everyone else in the entire world?
  7. What about sequins and sheer fabric on saris? Will those go over well with the Indian Prime Minister?
  8. Is getting into the cast of The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. worth posing a threat to the President’s life?
  9. What about making an ass out of yourself in front of the whole world? Is getting onto the cast of The Real Housewives of D.C. worth that? Oh, you’re right — moot point.
  10. Is exposing Presidential security breaches on a world stage really what they mean by “guerilla marketing”?
  11. Also, exactly what am I marketing?
  12. Do gorillas have money?
  13. And can I even confirm that gorillas will be interested in it?
  14. What would Sarah Palin do?
  15. What would Joe The Plumber do?
  16. What would the balloon boy’s dad do?
  17. What could I possibly have to say that would interest any of these people enough for them to not mind me having broken into the White House?
  18. What is Spielberg’s wife’s name again?
  19. How will I handle the fallout from having demonstrated a successful means of getting within a handshake’s distance of the President for any would be evil-doers who might be looking for a way in?
  20. Will Al Qaeda have trouble finding aging, bleached blonde doctors’ wives to sweet-talk their way past Secret Service and gain access to the President?
  21. Is Al Qaeda a fan of The Real Housewives franchise?

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Categories: lists, political humor, popular culture
12
Oct 2009

12 Things To Do Right After You Win The Nobel Peace Prize

By anna
These people are in favor of peace.

These people are in favor of peace.

  1. First, have somebody confirm that you were nominated. Because this is the first you’ve heard about it.
  2. If yes, then you need to get somebody on the Hillary Situation STAT.
  3. Issue a statement — ooh! use the fact that you didn’t know you were nominated — that’s good. Also throw in something about being humbled, &c.
  4. Later on, you can say something about how this isn’t an award for you, it’s an award for American leadership or some other Si, Se Puede! bullshit — they usually eat that stuff up, and I mean, what are you supposed to say? It’s not like you were expecting this!
  5. Beyond that, see if Desmond Tutu can come up with a good spin. That Tutu always has the best spins.
  6. Remind the naysayers that your wife’s ancestry has just been traced directly to a slave-girl who was raped by her white owner, and now she’s the First Lady, and if that’s not fucking worth some kind of goddamn prize, then you’re not the President of the United States. Also, that they can suck it View definition in a new window.
  7. Remind the naysayers that, just a few days before the nominations for this year’s prize were submitted, you signed an order banning torture and ordering that Gitmo be closed within a year, and that even if it’s not still on track to be closed within that year, it’s not because you haven’t been trying to get it closed. And also, that they can suck it View definition in a new window.
  8. See if Al Gore and Jimmy Carter have any interest in starting some kind of Dreamworks SKG like endeavor for ex-politicians once this gig is over. Because you are running out of things to accomplish now, and you are only 48.
  9. Distract yourself from the fact that your reaction to receiving the award was almost identical to Fidel Castro’s take on your receiving the award by imagining, with mirth, what George W. Bush’s reaction to both would had to have been, if he had a brain, and could react to things like this.
  10. Reflect, again, on how funny it is that a Swedish guy who made all of his money from dynamite would set up this foundation so that five Norwegians could give out prizes to people, after his death, for promoting peace. And that this is an instance of what in common parlance is referred to as “irony,” but is actually not an instance of irony in its strict definition.
  11. Reflect that it’s really hard not to make fun of Scandinavians at times like these, even if you are the President of the United States, and the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
  12. Seriously, aren’t the Norwegians the ones who leave their babies in strollers outside when they go in to shops? In the winter? How is that OK? That is not OK.

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21
Sep 2009

8 Ways To Make Yourself Stand Out At A Fake Awards Show, Or At An Open Session Of Congress, Or Both.

By anna

  1. When Kanye West gets up to interrupt someone who is accepting an award, get up and interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting, and I’mma let you finish, but I really thought 50-Cent’s album was better than yours. Just felt it was important to say that. Yes, I feel strongly that now is the appropriate time for this. Exactly this moment, as a matter of fact.”

    2. I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.

    I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.

  2. When Lady Gaga gets up to accept an award with red lace covering the entirety of her face, interrupt her speech while wearing a shirt that says: “JIMMY CARTER SAY: THE WORDS OF GOD DO NOT JUSTIFY CRUELTY TO WOMEN.”

  3. Addendum to #2: When Lady Gaga gets up to accept her award wearing some kind of New Age-inspired red lace burqa with accompanying crown, interrupt her by saying, “Yo, Gaga. I know you’re busy being all ‘out-there’ and ‘fashionably adventurous,’ and I’mma let you finish, but first I need to spray fake blood all over myself and then have a bunch of young gay men lift me up so I can hang from a noose in the middle of the stage. If you don’t mind.“

  4. Take Eminem aside and explain to him what being a “gay icon” means, and requires of one, fashionably speaking. While you are doing this, make sure you are quick on your feet, just in case he tries to hit you when he realizes that he was expressing grave concern over someone who might not even be a woman after all.

  5. When Joe Wilson interrupts the President’s speech to Congress by shouting, “You lie!”, accurately capture the relevancy of his point of view by interrupting him with, “Yo, Joe Wilson. I know you’re busy stewing in racially motivated hatred and paranoia, and I’mma let you finish, but let me first get this out: THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!”

  6. When you’re a Disney star accepting a fake award from a fake awards show for a song that nobody over the age of 30 has ever heard or wants to know about, and Kanye West jumps on stage to interrupt you, right after he says, “I’mma let you finish,” instead of crying, what you gotta do is this: you interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting me, and I’mma let you finish, but I gotta say that I’ve never been this close to a black man before and I find I’m strangely excited and frightened at the same time.” Then, in the ensuing silence and tense atmosphere, grab your award and walk off stage.

  7. If you’re the guy that beat out Michael Jordan for a spot on his high school basketball team, and he’s invited you to sit there in the audience and eat shit while he gets inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, arrange to have Phil Collins show up, and then at just the right moment, when Jordan’s really switching it into high narcissisistic gear with the stories about fighting his brothers, then you get Phil Collins to be lowered down on stage with his drumset, playing the opening beat to “In The Air Tonight.” And then when Phil’s finally lowered down and there’s a spotlight searching aimlessly around the audience, Phil Collins will say “Yo, Air Jordan. I know you’re busy making this poor dude you went to high school eat shit on ESPN for no good reason, and I’mma let you finish, but first let me tell you this, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight — oh LORD — and I been waiting for this moment for all my life!”

  8. Sit quietly in your seat, taking notes, nodding your head, and/or clapping where appropriate, as if you had not received the memo that all public figures are supposed to do things that suggest they are afflicted with either narcissistic personality disorder and/or Asperger’s syndrome, or both, in the calendar year of 2009.

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Check out those list lovers:

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  3. Tim at Safer By Choice
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