From the category archives:

18 Tweets

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Twitter bird by Luc Latulippe. Snark by me.

Twitter bird by Luc Latulippe. Snark by me.

  1. “Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.” (By @shitmydadsays)
  2. The only way I could be less interested in today is if Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker were in it. (By @adamjleach)
  3. Clearly, Jeremy was not a harmless little fuck. (By @themuskrat)
  4. @abdpbt View definition in a new window Crusade all you want. Ban blogger booze and my new biz model’s selling bootleg and kitchensink Oxy. #monetizetheprohibition (By @debontherox)
  5. Wait we’re the red ones on the map?! (By @FakeSarahPalin)
  6. What do sexy nurses wear for Halloween? (By @sween)
  7. Dear kazillion lego pieces: You’ve won! I give up! cc: Pokemon cards (By @MarinkaNYC)
  8. Today we’re going to a polo match with Jim’s republican friends. I love cliches! (By @k8iedid)
  9. My faux memoir about drugs, death and redemption at Ikea shall be called ‘A Thousand Tiny Pencils’. (By @textism)
  10. Oldest says bassinet needs a seatbelt so he can push baby in it down the hill on our driveway. This is why I’m afraid to take a shower. (By @mommiedaze)
  11. I’m less offended by David Letterman banging his staff members than I am by Jay Leno’s continued employment. (By @gordonshumway)
  12. Who’s a big boy in his stroller? You are! You’re a big boy in a stroller! Yes you are! Yes you are! Fine. “Wheelchair”. (By @sween)
  13. “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.” (By @Shitmydadsays, again)
  14. Seriously, Tom. We get it: you’re old. Just eat the fucking peach already. (@hotdogsladies)
  15. On second thought, fuck that. Not enough bourbon in the world to make that okay. I’m gonna listen to some Interpol and cry myself to sleep.(By @crusaderjon)
  16. Haha. When you set your GPS to British accent, he pronounces it “Titto’s Tackos”. Still damn good tackos though, Constable Garmin. (By @lonelysandwich)
  17. Almost 20 years after the Soviet collapse, Russia finds its economic foothold in the production of malicious javascript. Будем здоровы!…(By @textism)
  18. The easiest way to change the world is to be generous. #broadsummit09 (By @parenthacks)

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. 7 Photo Editing Tools For People Who Don’t Have Photoshop | ABDPBT Tech
  2. 6 Cool Products For Kids (Or Adults Who Are Young At Heart) | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
  3. 10 16 Ways To Make The Holidays Cheaper & Easier That Don’t Involve Giving Your Friends and Family Gifts They Will Immediately Throw Away — Revised And Expanded For 2009 | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  4. Marinka at Motherhood in NYC
  5. Tim at Safer By Choice
  6. Kerry at ClueWagon
  7. Deborah at Fashion Plate: Hungry For Style
  8. Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice As Good
  9. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

18 Tweets Made By Spoiled Kings

by anna on June 22, 2009

This post is inspired by the tweets from comedian Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes on Twitter).

Ben Schwartz is an actor, writer, and comedian. You can follow him at @rejectedjokes on Twitter.

Ben Schwartz is an actor, writer, and comedian. You can follow him at @rejectedjokes on Twitter.

Listen, you know as well as I do that all knowledge is shared. Stop looking at me like that.

  1. My serf is late again this morning. I’ve told him over and over: I’m not not-paying him to sleep in.
  2. Can you get workers comp for the repetitive strain of sitting in a throne all day? Seriously, my ass is numb.
  3. I like the part of Twitter that is like shouting at a room full of people. But the “unfollow” option is absurd. Also: treasonous.
  4. @LouisXIV Sure dungeons are convenient. But you try falling asleep just a few floors above them! #lambsscreamingclarice
  5. What nobody ever tells you is how much the castle stinks. Seriously. Try cleaning out your chamber pots, people.
  6. I think this crown is giving me a rash.
  7. Great. I downloaded 3.0 and now all of my apps are gone. Fucking great.
  8. Scepters are weird, if you really think about them. I mean, what are they for, exactly?
  9. @PostSecret I am SO OVER my wife’s issues. Am seriously considering switching to Protestantism.
  10. They may call it the disease of kings, but I can assure you that gout is no happily ever after #mybigtoehasspawnedamonster
  11. @Ferdinand‘s Fool would be funnier if he didn’t rip off all his jokes from Carlos Mencia
  12. Whose money is this? I don’t carry ones.
  13. Oh look at me! I’m the King, and here’s my big ornamented stick to prove it! OOGA BOOGA!
  14. Of all the furs in the world, you choose ermine?! Ermine! A weasel? Am I the only one who is keeping track of the meta View definition in a new window message anymore?
  15. Crown jewels might be valuable, but they are also heavy. I’m just saying.
  16. Just ONCE I’d like to consummate a marriage without a room full of witnesses.
  17. @MaryBoelyn Why don’t YOU try to arrange Father’s Day around 50 illegitimate children, then, if I’m “not doing multifamily right.”
  18. This day of drinking, whoring, feasting, surveying the palace grounds, sentencing treason & general revelry FINALLY DONE. I so need a vacay.

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. 6 Resources For Teaching Kids About Money | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. Spice Up Your Posts With These 8 Beginner HTML Tags | ABDPBT Tech
  3. Kerry at Clue Wagon
  4. Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice As Good
  5. Juliet at Thanksgiving Feast
  6. Ginger at Ramble Ramble
  7. Eliz at Tink’s Mom Dot Com
  1. Right.
  2. This is bollocks.
  3. I get paid by the word, do you see? Do you see my objection?
  4. How am I to introduce 42 characters w/ peculiar names, dead-end plots, obscure origins, and mysterious benefactors, in less than 140 charact
  5. Yarg. QED. #twitterfail
  6. gal loses pregnancy, decides to wear maternity clothes 4evr, w8 4 baby that never comes. Cobwebs, rotting diaper cake? rough idea, thots?
  7. In retrospect, yes: Oliver! was atrocious. But it was the 60s, & I was jacked up on black beauties & Simon & Garfunkel. Sue me.
  8. The will is a character, do you see? The will dictates the plot. Really, must I always spell it out?
  9. People, apple shampoo is ONLY trending because you all keep asking why apple shampoo is trending.
  10. Nay, but muttonchops are a style that will stand the test of time. #sideburns
  11. Following @Thackeray, with no follow back! Vanitas, vanitatum indeed! I say, good DAY!
  12. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times–time for Chucky D to get hisself a pork pie, is what time it was. #toomuchgoodstuff
  13. @GEliot, no I LIKE the tedious length & mind-numbing philosophical digressions. It’s the arcane quotes I’m not sure about.
  14. @JimCarrey as Scrooge might be a mistake. But Zemeckis was already on board & creepy animation aside, I couldn’t say no to the easy payday.
  15. People think Victorians are uptight, but the truth is Victoria & Albert are pretty hardcore. e.g. last night: “Hold my hair!” #3drunk words
  16. To those that unfollowed after @Thackeray tweet, when was the last time he talked to YOU at Vauxhall?
  17. One time I heard Jay Leno refer to Tim Burton’s work as “Dickensian.” Pshaw. And that was the last time I watched him.
  18. Want a monarch to follow you? Mention them by name & you’ll show up in a vanity search. Also works on internet stars. #IbeetlejuicedQueenV

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

  1. Write a “list” post on your blog.
  2. Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
  3. Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt View definition in a new window dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

  1. ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. Juliet
  3. Eliz at Tink’s Mom Dot Com
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