Most online depictions of depression differ greatly from my own experience of major clinical depression. Because of this, reading them often makes me irrationally angry.
For the past few weeks I’ve been playing an iPad game called Royal Envoy wherein you are a city planner dispatched by a monarch to rebuild cities on colonial islands in increasingly elaborate scenarios with various specifications and time constraints. I’m not ordinarily much of a gamer but the truth is that I can become addicted to just about anything and now, having finally managed to achieve the gold star for level 57, it’s safe to say that I can add Royal Envoy to the list addictions, past and present: alcohol, cigarettes, candy, cupcakes, coffee, Monster Energy Drinks, and crystal methamphetamine.
Depression is a popular topic for blogs and I’ve written before about how I’m not overly fond of writing or reading about it. So let me apologize in advance for the next few paragraphs. Depression is an annoyance and if untreated it can be dangerous, but fortunately we live in a time where its treatment is drastically improved from even just a few decades ago. It is my experience that there are fantastic medicinal technologies available and I have a gifted psychiatrist. Most of the time I operate in the world as if I am not a depressed person. I am not one of those people who thinks, “Oh, I feel better now. Maybe I will try going off the meds.” I am not under any delusion that my condition is going away, and it doesn’t really bother me: I don’t consider it a disability, I don’t consider myself to be crazy, and I don’t find a need to handwring about it.
Most of all, I think it’s important to say that I don’t need my depression to explain things to people.
When I do suffer symptoms it is because there is a problem with some aspect of my therapy, such as (just a hypothetical), I have to switch medicines because I’m not able to lose the eighteen pounds of pregnancy breastfeeding weight I put on because of Effexor, and unfortunately there is no way to switch medicines without first weaning off one and then slowly going back up on another.
Here are the symptoms of major clinical depression, as I have it, for anyone who might be curious: I get overwhelmed by things, I become very unproductive. I crave repetitive, soothing tasks, or things that require no attention span whatsoever. Generally I read, play iPad games, watch TV shows, enjoy time with my children, and just wait out the medicine adjustments.
That’s what I’ve been doing, and that’s why I haven’t been around. I find it tough to take pictures of things and produce content when I’m in this state. Fortunately, I also know it’s not permanent. So, for now, back to building fountains.
That was such a well-spoken, concise summary. Pretty amazing actually.
I’ll happily wait until you are ready to ready to post regularly
Heart you, Anna. Your readership will be around when you’re ready.
Newer blog reader, first time commenter… Like-minded woman home with a 7 month old colicky baby. Couldn’t hack my part-time, work-from-home job, quit that. Kitchen cleaning and floor steam cleaning make me feel right again. Wondering what I’ve gotten myself into approximately 80% of the time. Wondering how I will do this endless, repetitive day-in and day-out cycle of ga-ga goo-goo playing, washing diapers and pretending to always enjoy entertaining my youngster. Wondering if that makes me a bad person? Wondering if that makes me a bad mother? Worrying that this feeling will continue infinitely? Realizing that before leaving work to be a mommy, I wasted 10 years in a career that I actually hated. Realizing that I can’t get that time back. Realizing that I’ll never probably have a true ‘career’ even when munchkin is in school. Wondering if I’ll ever be satisfied, or consistently happy, or free of guilt and questioning… Your posts speak to me.
While I find that writing about depression often makes me feel better I completely understand why it wouldn’t for someone else. I find it unhelpful to actually talk about it which is why I found my brief stint in therapy very unproductive. Writing lets me say things I wouldn’t otherwise verbalize. To each his own. Good luck with your fountains!
Wow. I’ll be here when you come back (please, do come back). And I’ve been thinking lately that I probably need a little chemical support, even though I was raised by people deeply, deeply distrustful of modern medicine, head meds particularly. Your description of how you spend your days when you’re depressed is really familiar. Thanks.
Just last night I was thinking about you since I hadn’t seen your posts lately. Hope things even out soon.
My wife is the bravest, best person I know. It is amazing watching her go through these travails. I will say something like “turtle broach” and she will laugh and laugh and laugh. Then I will say it again and she will kick me in the balls. It’s all an adventure. She is a great mother. Her eyes sparkle when she holds our infant. Her patience with our four year old is remarkable. She is so smart. She is so beautiful. I love her sooooooooooooooooooooooo
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.
Mr. Right Click, I’m so glad you love Anna. Hang in there Anna.
Could the depression be linked to weaning? I just read another blog where the woman was unaccountably (is that a word? ) depressed for six weeks— when the fog lifted, so to speak, somehow the realization came to her that it was linked to the changes due to stopping breast feeding and I believe she confirmed this. While I realize you are much more intelligent than I am and are probably aware of this sort of thing and also seem to have some history of depression I just thought I would mention it in the event it might be helpful (end perhaps being in sight) Under any circumstances I hope you feel better soon. God loves you too in case no one has mentioned that to you before.