[More] Things You Might Not Know About My Hate Mail

by anna on March 7, 2011

[Another walk down memory lane, courtesy of my hyperemesis! Yay! This post originally appeared on March 22, 2010, but I've added a few updates so that it's reflective of the current state of the hatemail universe. That's right -- from my sick bed, I've done this, so they extra bitter and nasty.]

  1. My hate mail can dish it out, but it sure can’t take it.
  2. My hate mail needs to take a good, long look at itself.
  3. My hate mail must live in a miserable little world of its own making.
  4. My hate mail is the most desperately sad hate mail in a hate mail universe full of sad hate mail.
  5. My hate mail seems to have appointed itself the watchdog of the hate mailosphere.
  6. My hate mail really thinks it’s clever, doesn’t it?
  7. My hate mail is small-minded and petty, but its teeth are pristine.
  8. My hate mail really wanted to like your hate mail.
  9. My hate mail is not a journalist, but what’s sad is some other hate mail might think it is.
  10. My hate mail exploits its children for free trips to Disney.
  11. For every one finger that my hate mail points at other hate mail, there are still three hateful fingers pointing back at itself.
  12. My hate mail signs all of its notes with hugs and kisses — just to fuck with me.
  13. My hate mail eats your hate mail for breakfast. With syrup.
  14. My hate mail saw your hate mail at the mall, and made fun of its shoes.
  15. I saw my hate mail drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. Its hair was perfect.
  16. My hate mail brings all the boys to the yard.
  17. And they’re like, my hate mail’s better than yours.
  18. My hate mail could teach you, but it would have to charge.
  19. My hate mail doesn’t even follow your hate mail back on Twitter.
  20. If my hate mail did ever follow your hate mail on Twitter, it would only be under a fake account.
  21. Or maybe my hate mail would follow your hate mail back on Twitter, but only so it could put your hate mail in its “BORING” column on TweetDeck.
  22. Actually, my hate mail has followed, unfollowed, and refollowed your hate mail like fifty times in the last month.
  23. Finally what my hate mail decided to do was just to not follow you on Twitter, and instead put you on the private list of people it totally hates, but with whom it still wants to stay totally up to date in real time.
  24. Since we are talking about what your hate mail does on Twitter anyway, we should also note that what it might do is obliquely reference a general practice of idiots calling other people idiots. Then it would say that it was too bad that idiots are too dumb to appreciate the irony.
  25. And you would agree with that sentiment, wholeheartedly. More than your hate mail could possibly ever understand.
  26. Although not technically incorrect, you would remain a little uncomfortable with the usage of the modifier ‘delicious’ to describe irony.
  27. Then you would consider the source.
  28. My hate mail always bounces itself off a server in Australia.
  29. My hate mail really knows how to bury an IP address.
  30. My hate mail always steals detergent from your hate mail at the laundromat.
  31. My hate mail sometimes forgets to flush the toilet.
  32. If my hate mail goes to throw something away, and sees that the garbage can is full, my hate mail NEVER empties it.
  33. My hate mail really needs to start a “sour grapes” feature and just transfer about 80 percent of its content to it.
  34. Try as it might, my hate mail just can’t seem to turn that frown upside down.
  35. Who will speak up for the children — my hate mail wonders — if not my hate mail?
  36. My hate mail no longer confines itself to just mail — please ‘like’ it on Facebook.
  37. Sometimes I’ll quote my hatemail to stir up a frenzy among my readers about the outrageousness of it all.
  38. Then, a few months later I’ll quote the hatemail again just to make it seem like it’s a new outbreak of hatemail. But really it’s just the same old stale hatemail that I already wrung my hands about a few weeks ago. My readers never notice this.
  39. If they were to notice, though, what would happen is that I would write a philosophical post about why the hatemail had to be quoted twice in order to be fully absorbed, and then if people objected (they wouldn’t), I would explain that probably they don’t understand because they never started an advanced degree program and never finished.
  40. This, in turn, would lead to more hatemail. Which is the whole point!

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. How To Optimize Your Blog For Getting Deals With Book Marketers [Advice From A Publishing Exec] | ABDPBT Personal Finance
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{ 3 comments }

K March 7, 2011 at 6:38 am

I think you must be doing something right to get hate mail. I suspect my blog is pretty lame since I’ve only gotten one or two mean spirited comments. I’m going to make it my goal to piss off a few people.

Susan Tiner March 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

My hate mail is written in the form of a fairy tail, you know, so your hate mail won’t recognize the real characters.

Feel better Anna!

shasta March 7, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Feel better. Kudos to you for still keepin’ on keepin’ on.

My list – 5 Weird Photos on My Phone: http://bloggingwithmittens.wordpress.com/2011/03/07/5-weird-photos-on-my-phone/

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