Your Wife Or Longtime Girlfriend Just Won The Best Actress Oscar! Now What?

by anna on March 29, 2010

Best Actress Curse

  1. Sob from your front-row seat at the Kodak Theater, thereby underscoring your love for your far more successful spouse.
  2. Admit candidly to the Access Hollywood camera that yes, this might just be the most beautiful she has ever looked, right here tonight.
  3. Protest early and often what a treat it is to be involved with someone consistently outshines you in your chosen field.
  4. Joke publicly about how she makes more money per movie than you do, as if to demonstrate how little you care about the trappings of success.
  5. Find and retain a well-known, high-priced divorce attorney.
  6. While in the process of #1, strategically meet with all of the best attorneys in town so that they cannot be retained later by your wife.
  7. Continue to provide Apu’s voice on The Simpsons — at least that gig isn’t going anywhere.
  8. Comfort yourself by reflecting that at least now there’s only one more talented and successful person than you in the Lowe family.
  9. Fire up Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, and — why not? — Craigslist: this marriage is already toast.
  10. Schedule an intimate dinner with your less attractive and far less successful costar of Stop-Loss.
  11. Agree to star with Halle Berry in Cat Woman.
  12. Commit adultery; attempt to spin it as an example of your effort to save your marriage.
  13. Insist that you and Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and/or Kristen Cavallari are “just friends.”
  14. Erase entry in calendar for the scheduled return appearance on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.
  15. Reflect for a moment on the character of Donald Trump; pencil back in scheduled return appearance on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.
  16. Begin outreach to your original fan base by being linked to a stripper with a tattooed forehead ephemeral links to Neo-Nazism.
  17. Wait until everybody is distracted with the divorce of this year’s Best Actress winner to announce your divorce from 2009′s winner.
  18. Jump on Oprah’s couch because you’re so happy you listened to the studio lawyer who told you to leave before it happened!

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

  1. Write a “list” post on your blog.
  2. Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
  3. Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt View definition in a new window dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

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  3. 6 Must-Have Gifts For Geeks | ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
  4. Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice As Good
  5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

{ 14 comments }

Michele March 29, 2010 at 5:41 am

Your list is great. Can I add a couple?
19. Try to get said lawyer to break pre-nup you signed in a moment of lust.
20. Convince yourself that you deserve half on her wealth because you stuck around for 4 of her most productive years. So, in essence you made her.

anna March 29, 2010 at 9:44 am

Dude, are those all Jesse James? I am so disappointed with him — I mean, insofar as one can be disappointed with a person one doesn’t know. I didn’t know much about him before Celebrity Apprentice last year, and then I thought he was so smart and awesome, and wanted him to win. And now I’m all annoyed. Not that you can’t be smart and be a womanizing loser (Hi, Bill Clinton), but he seemed like a nice, genuine guy. But I guess that’s all spin.

I mean, be a womanizing loser or whatever, but don’t get married, and then I don’t have to lose respect for you.

surcey March 29, 2010 at 6:29 am

Love love love it. You had me googling a lot there.

anna March 29, 2010 at 9:46 am

I have been nursing this theory for almost a decade now about winning Best Actress means you’re getting a divorce. But now it’s getting almost comical. When Reese Witherspoon won, I immediately said to Mr. Right-Click, “Awww, but that means they’re going to get a divorce now. And they have a young baby!”

With Hilary Swank, I actually thought they’d make it because they got past the first one, and her husband has always been way less successful than she is, but no, they bit the dust, too.

patois March 29, 2010 at 6:43 am

21. Tell yourself that, hell, she started up with you when you were already married, so what did she really expect anyway? Once a cheater…

Brilliant list! I really don’t need to go anywhere else for my news and gossip.

anna March 29, 2010 at 9:47 am

Well, I have to admit, when I heard about them getting together, this did color my whole perception of everything. I mean . . . yeah, it’s not likely that a relationship forged under those circumstances has a great shot at lasting.

Elizabeth March 29, 2010 at 6:51 am

That jackass couch-jumper. When will someone get through to Katie? WHEN?!

List up!

anna March 29, 2010 at 9:52 am

Well, I don’t think Katie’s in danger of winning an Oscar anytime soon. But then, stranger things have happened.

Elizabeth March 29, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Right, which is why someone should get to her NOW, before she wins an Oscar for being married to Tom Cruise and then subsequently becomes unmarried to Tom Cruise. That is TOTALLY smart logic.

Ginger March 29, 2010 at 10:57 pm

I have to say, I try not to care about the celebrity pairing/unpairing that happens, but the whole thing with Jesse James has really annoyed me. I’ve liked him for a long time, and thought they made an actual good match, not just a Hollywood good match. Turns out he’s just another douchebag.

I’m squeaking my list in just under the (west coast only) wire.

anna March 30, 2010 at 1:07 pm

I linked you up Ginger, though not until this morning.

Deb on the Rocks March 30, 2010 at 7:40 am

I almost never believe Hollywood marriage stories. With so many queers in the arts, but with Hollywood’s fear of out actors in straight lead roles, there are so many marriages of convenience. The Oscar jinx, I like to believe, is a gay thing. Hank Azaria/Helen Hunt are the poster children for gay actors in beard-child bearing marriages that the women no longer need for career purposes after they’ve been validated as successes. Helen didn’t need him around anymore (and just imagine the noises and voices coming from his room where he lived with his boyfriends), so, finally, divorce. Swank’s husband Chad freakin Lowe was acquired the same year she decided to sign on with Boys Don’t Cry–a huge risk that would easier to transcend typecasting if she were in a straight marriage–and now she’s almost only photographed with her manager or agent. I like to think the same is also true for the others, because I like to imagine that at least 50% of the smart and attractive married women in Hollywood are just waiting until they can come out of the closet, whereas I’m sure it is only about 30%. Maybe Sandy really is queer for Meryl. I like THAT story. Sadly, I really do think she was straight for that bad boy. But I like my logic because maybe I do have a chance for a few good years with Kate, maybe I do.

anna March 30, 2010 at 1:34 pm

I agree, many Hollywood marriages are BS. Even if it isn’t a beard thing, there’s the publicity angle or just the marriage in lieu of living “in sin” kind of angle. And they’re actors, so it’s not like it’s so hard to believe they’d do this.

I believe it on Hunt, and I believe it on Hillary Swank. I had not realized they were involved so soon before Boys Don’t Cry, though, wow. But with Sandra Bullock, nah. I don’t buy it with Reese Witherspoon or Kate Winslet, either (sorry). And of course, I heard all kind of rumors about Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, naturally, when they were married.

Still, it’s a little strange, you’ve got to admit.

Heidi March 30, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Lovely list Anna. Really had me laughing it up. Oscar curse ::snicker::

No list for me this week. (again). It was all about posting photos of my girls in matching tie dye shirts this past week.

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