29 Things You Might Not Know About My Hate Mail

by anna on March 22, 2010

  1. My hate mail can dish it out, but it sure can’t take it.
  2. My hate mail needs to take a good, long look at itself.
  3. My hate mail must live in a miserable little world of its own making.
  4. My hate mail is the most desperately sad hate mail in a hate mail universe full of sad hate mail.
  5. My hate mail seems to have appointed itself the watchdog of the hate mailosphere.
  6. My hate mail really thinks it’s clever, doesn’t it?
  7. My hate mail is small-minded and petty, but its teeth are pristine.
  8. My hate mail really wanted to like your hate mail.
  9. My hate mail is not a journalist, but what’s sad is some other hate mail might think it is.
  10. My hate mail exploits its children for free trips to Disney.
  11. For every one finger that my hate mail points at other hate mail, there are still three hateful fingers pointing back at itself.
  12. My hate mail signs all of its notes with hugs and kisses — just to fuck with me.
  13. My hate mail eats your hate mail for breakfast. With syrup.
  14. My hate mail saw your hate mail at the mall, and made fun of its shoes.
  15. I saw my hate mail drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. Its hair was perfect.
  16. My hate mail brings all the boys to the yard.
  17. And they’re like, my hate mail’s better than yours.
  18. My hate mail could teach you, but it would have to charge.
  19. My hate mail doesn’t even follow your hate mail back on Twitter.
  20. If my hate mail did ever follow your hate mail on Twitter, it would only be under a fake account.
  21. Or maybe my hate mail would follow your hate mail back on Twitter, but only so it could put your hate mail in its “BORING” column on TweetDeck.
  22. My hate mail always bounces itself off a server in Australia.
  23. My hate mail really knows how to bury an IP address.
  24. My hate mail always steals detergent from you at the laundromat.
  25. My hate mail sometimes forgets to flush the toilet.
  26. If my hate mail goes to throw something away, and sees that the garbage can is full, my hate mail NEVER empties it.
  27. My hate mail really needs to start a “sour grapes” feature and just transfer about 80 percent of its content to it.
  28. Try as it might, my hate mail just can’t seem to turn that frown upside down.
  29. Who will speak up for the children — my hate mail wonders — if not my hate mail?

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. The Private Ad Sales Model: 9 Tips From Design Mom On How To Sell Your Own Blog Ads | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. Alexis at the Well-Read Mom
  3. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

{ 10 comments }

Michele March 22, 2010 at 4:41 am

My hate mail believes in the Golden Rule only to the extent that it applies to itself. The “others” part can go screw itself.

anna March 22, 2010 at 11:31 am

Yeah, hate mail is like that.

Alexis March 22, 2010 at 4:55 am

What about “I want your hate and I want your hate mail, you and me could write some bad hate mail”? Too cheesy and obvious?

Love #27, as we all know, as soon as you don’t go along with the clique it just means you are a big jealous meanie.

Have a list up.

anna March 22, 2010 at 11:33 am

OH! Can you believe I forgot about Gaga? How is that even possible at this point? I want your hate mail and I want your hate tweets, I don’t wanna be friends . . . I’ve got to work on it.

Kerry March 22, 2010 at 5:22 am

My hate mail totally wants to make out with number 12.

anna March 22, 2010 at 11:33 am

It’s kind of existential, the tearing-of-a-new-asshole hate mail signed with xo. Because, I mean, which version do you go with?

Ginger March 22, 2010 at 10:59 am

My hate mail thinks ur haet mail sux so hard and is stuppid. Ur hatmail should just grown up, sheesh.

My list is up.

anna March 22, 2010 at 11:34 am

You’re linked up, but your hate mail is totally a looser.

LC March 22, 2010 at 11:06 am

My hate mail loves #8, #18 and #29. Best list yet. :)

What’s your take on giving hate mail a blog mention? As a reader, my eyes roll skyward but I’m sure it gets tiresome to read email after email of hate – I suppose I’d want sympathy from my readers too. It’s just that it rarely elicits sympathy, it usually makes me laugh at the crazy, find myself agreeing with the non ad-hominem parts of the missive, or think “woe is -fucking- you” in my best Al Swearengen voice.

anna March 22, 2010 at 11:37 am

Well, on the one hand I understand the impulse. It really sucks to get hate mail, and your instinct is to get people to reassure you that you’re not evil and not everybody in the world hates you. So I totally understand why people do it.

The problem is, as a reader, I think it backfires on the blogger sometimes. Because, yeah, we’re all sick of hearing about the hatemail already. And also, it is hard to make it not sound like a plea for HUGGERZ, which there are already way to many of in this blogosphere to begin with.

The reason I wrote this post, though, was not just that people were posting hate mail, but that it became like a status symbol over the past week — I read at least three posts dealing with hate mail and I was like, “You know there are a bunch of new bloggers out there who are kind of jealous, in a weird way, that they don’t get hate mail, now.” Because that’s how it works.

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