14 Things To Do If You Want People To Start Thinking You’re Hiding Something

by anna on March 8, 2010

  1. Season your answers to seemingly innocuous questions with a liberal dose of emphatic nodding.
  2. Make an appearance on Oprah in which you punctuate your declaration of undying love by jumping on a couch.
  3. After said appearance on Oprah, forbid anyone from replaying the recording of the appearance on any other media outlet ever again.
  4. Start dating Courtney Love.
  5. Retain Gloria Allred. For anything.
  6. Instruct Arthur Andersen to shred a bunch of documents in the middle of an audit.
  7. Order a hightop sneakers, black sweatsuits and Kool-Aid in bulk.
  8. Agree to appear on Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, and then spend the entire season wearing sunglasses and an Ed Hardy hat. Even at night.
  9. Organize a group of people to stand around your backyard with shovels, while chanting things like, “MOVE ALONG, NOW!” or “NOTHING TO SEE HERE!”
  10. Crash into a tree right outside of your house and then refuse to talk about it to anybody for weeks.
  11. Sue anyone for writing anything about your “religion,” negative or positive, especially when your “religion” involves going to another planet on a spaceship after the Apocalypse.
  12. Start talking to your agent about getting on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.
  13. Call (one of) the cocktail waitress(es) you’ve been sleeping with and tell her to change her answering message to a recorded voice “just in case.”
  14. Arrange for Al Cowlings to drive you to the airport in a white Ford Bronco.

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. Five Things To Include In Your Blog’s Media Kit | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. 3 Things I Learned From The Social Media Cheatsheet | ABDPBT Tech
  3. Alexis at The Well-Read Mom
  4. Heidi at The Maxwell’s Madness
  5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble
  6. Eliz at Tink’s Mom Dot Com

{ 9 comments }

Alexis March 8, 2010 at 6:50 am

“Dancing With The Stars” is clearly where all the damaged celebrities head when times get tough. Yet another reason why I can not stand reality TV.

Love this list. As a native Upstate New York kid, no one does “ignore that man behind the curtain” scandal better than the politicians in Albany!

Got a list up.

anna March 8, 2010 at 8:17 am

You’re all linked up, Alexis!

Tim G March 8, 2010 at 6:58 am

Does it mean anything when the dancers on Dancing with the Stars have become more star-worthy than the people (non-stars) that are starting to fill the rnaks of the contestants? Yes, it means the show is in decline.

Kerry March 8, 2010 at 7:01 am

Oh, speaking of hiding things, did anyone read the article on the ex-Scientologists in the NY Times yesterday?

I’m not generally a religion-basher (even of the more out-there ones like Scientology), but holy cow. Apparently they (allegedly) rake in the dough and then pay their staffers, like, 39 cents an hour and tell them who they can associate with and stuff. If they quit, they’re completely shunned. It’s wacky.

anna March 8, 2010 at 8:16 am

No, I didn’t read that, but that practice sounds very familiar.

Michele March 8, 2010 at 7:50 am

What is Courtney doing these days? She seems to be keeping a low profile after the rahab gig she had going.

Heidi March 8, 2010 at 10:23 am

Right now all of my essential are hiding from me.

My list is up.

Ginger March 8, 2010 at 10:15 pm

I love the stupidity that’s behind some of these. #13 is a personal fave.

My list is up.

eliz March 9, 2010 at 11:39 am

Very nice!

I wasn’t able to get listy until the wee hours. Link to me or not.

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