22 Ways To Make The Winter Olympics Even Less Significant

by anna on March 1, 2010

Curling is bowling on ice

  1. Put NBC in charge of the American television coverage.
  2. Make sure NBC tapes the events, rather than showing them live.
  3. That way, everyone will already know what happens before they actually see any of the events.
  4. Also, when NBC does finally start showing events, make sure they have a stupid highlight reel that they run first.
  5. That way, anyone who has somehow managed to avoid hearing who won medals by that time will still have a shot at figuring it out before they actually see the competition.
  6. Use four Canadians Of Note in the Opening Ceremonies.
  7. Make sure two of the four Canadians Of Note are not notable by anyone for anything outside of Canada.
  8. Make sure none of the four Canadians Of Note are comedians.
  9. Make sure that one of the Canadians Of Note is an NBA basketball star who now lives in the United States full time.
  10. If you can, figure out a way to involve a pickup truck in the ceremonial lighting of the Olympic torch.
  11. If you can, make sure it’s an American pickup truck.
  12. Hold the games in a place where it doesn’t snow.
  13. If possible, locate a place to hold the games where — not only does it not snow — but also it’s not even cold enough to keep manufactured and/or trucked-in snow frozen.
  14. Act surprised that temperatures are in the sixties and raining in said locale in February.
  15. When “experts” trot out statistics that show that it is always in the sixties and raining during February in said locale, use this as a springboard for a discussion of the merits of a universal adoption of the metric system.
  16. Paint the ski slopes with blue lines going across them for no immediately apparent reason.
  17. Make it difficult for anybody to figure out the purpose of the blue paint on the ski slopes.
  18. Force skiers and snowboarders to sit outside in oversized white bean bags while their competitors are completing their runs.
  19. Create a luge track that is so frighteningly twisty and poorly engineered that even the (notoriously crazy) people who participate in luge have taken to referring to it as “Death Alley.”
  20. When somebody dies as a result of your crazy track with cement pole death traps situated around it, blame it on “athlete error” and put up a few mats and extra barriers.
  21. Avoid using using American-made Zambonis to smooth out ice in between skating events, even though everybody in the world knows they are the best and uses them, and opt instead to use the Canadian brand, Olympia, which will break down and delay events by hours, resulting in poor publicity for both the winter games and the ice resurfacing brand.
  22. Steadfastly insist that it’s a sport called “curling,” when everyone can see that it’s just bowling on ice.

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  2. Alexis at The Well-Read Mom
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  4. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

{ 15 comments }

Tim G March 1, 2010 at 6:02 am

Nice. I’ve resisted writing about the luge incident and NBC’s choice to show the video 2-3 times on the night of the opening ceremonies, because it’s just too easy to say that it’s a dangerous sport and people know the risks.
You don’t want to weigh in on the quad/triple arguement? I suppose that if the situation were reversed, the commentators would have argued on behalf of the technically superior American performance.
Oh yeah, and #18 cracked me up. It’s sort of a sick game of musical chairs. “OK, everyone move down one, we’ve got a new leader – sorry about that, former bronze medal hopeful”.
My list is up.

anna March 1, 2010 at 10:43 am

Tim, you are way overestimating the time I actually spent watching the olympics! I hate the olympics, I just peep my head in every once in a while to make fun of some dumbass thing they’ve done.

The luge incident was just horrifying. And so stupid. I mean, you have the crazy luge guys saying that it’s a dangerous track, that there’s part of it they are calling “death alley,” is this not a clue to you? And why would you put cement beams right next to that area, rather than padded things? UGGH.

I’m glad Canada won the hockey medals, though, it means so much to them and most Americans would be like, “Huh? What’s hockey?”

Alexis March 1, 2010 at 6:40 am

I am pretty over the Olympics as a whole. Once I realized that the opening ceremonies were meant with no sense of irony I figured I was done. Plus, in the closing ceremonies, no noticed “giant beavers” and giggled like a 12 year old boy? I know I did…then again, I am an immature jerk like that :)

Got a list up!

anna March 1, 2010 at 10:45 am

I think if you check the tape that even Steve Nash is having a hard time not laughing at the absurdity of the Opening Ceremonies. And when Wayne Gretsky, a world class athlete and champion, is sweating profusely because he’s been holding up a torch for 80 minutes, that suggests poor execution.

Deborah March 1, 2010 at 6:50 am

I’m sitting here, tired and a little sick, , drinking my coffee, dreading my morning class and you made me laugh out loud. Thank you Anna.

I watched NONE OF IT. I am so ashamed.

anna March 1, 2010 at 10:49 am

I really didn’t watch it, either. Mr. Right-Click did, and I would look up every once in a while. I cannot get into the winter olympics, maybe it’s living in Southern California, I’m not sure — it seems so foreign.

home and uncool March 1, 2010 at 8:24 am

I think The Simpsons had it right. They need mixed curling in 2014. For beers and shots.

anna March 1, 2010 at 10:50 am

Well, that would certainly make it more Canadian.

(I’ve already pissed off the dads this morning, and I’m hoping the Canadians will follow suit. But the Canadians are so polite, it might be tough.)

monkey March 1, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Keep using the word “flamboyant” and giggle nervously when Johnny Weir comes on the ice. We get it! You’re uncomfortable with the fact that he is gay. Now please STFU because my beautiful sparkleprincess is about to dance on ice for pretty much the last time.

anna March 1, 2010 at 1:34 pm

That’s good. It must be hard for those macho sports guy to work the ice dancing circuit. Poor babies.

monkey March 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm

He is/was a prodigy-like competitive figure skater, actually. But I do think his soul rests in the halls of ice dancing. His costumes definitely do, anyway.

This winter olympics definitely brought a goodly amount of dramz. Now if only we could get rid of Bob Costas.

Ginger March 1, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I like to watch a few of the Olympic events, if only for the hysterical commentary. According to those guys, Shaun White may as well vomit gold, Apolo Anton Ohno (don’t you dare forget his middle name if you’re an NBC commentator) is the son of God himself, and there are no other athletes besides the Americans–even when they’re no where near a medal.

But I have to side with Monkey–if only we could get rid of Bob Costas. I’m not sure he’s human anyway.

My list is up.

sweetsalty kate March 5, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Re: comment #8: success.

If you live in Southern California and “just can’t get into” the winter olympics, I wonder how you get the insight to comment on weather patterns, flat light, ice resurfacing, and Canadian “People Of Note To Nobody In America (Guffaw)”.

This was just weirdly smug. You can shake my hand now.

anna March 5, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Sorry to offend you. It’s just a joke, just a bunch of funny things. Guess you didn’t find them funny. Seems we’re not a match. Thanks for coming by.

sweetsalty kate March 5, 2010 at 5:41 pm

It’s not so much that I didn’t find them funny. I just found the whole thing to be … well, kind of lazily embodying the American who a) didn’t watch any of it; b) doesn’t care about any of it; and c) feels completely disinterested in winter olympics altogether. Yet it made all kinds of statements that were, even though they were meant to be funny, presented as being informed.

At Cypress, they usually have to measure the snow in metres. It’s elephant snot (heavy) but it’s plentiful, except for the exceptional, of which this February was. My husband cleared those freestyle runs with a chainsaw. I’m not saying my experience of Vancouver clears me to write about it and demotes you. Everyone’s allowed to interpret.. what they… uhh. Didn’t watch and don’t care to watch? Um. Anyway. I’m just saying that I couldn’t not add my as-polite-as-possible eyeroll.

It felt like negatively-rooted snark written only for people who know absolutely nothing about Canada, or what flat light does a ski course. That’s not defensive – it’s just so tiring to hear Americans giggling over and over again about all the Canadians they don’t know. It’s been done. And I think you’re probably smarter and funnier than that. Not to add to the weekly pressure. I’d never be able to come up with something funny once a week without a lot of rum. And then it would only be funny to other people who drink a lot of rum.

And one last thing. God, I’m insufferably earnest. The whole ‘it seems we’re not a match’ thing – and ‘sorry you don’t find it funny’ – I don’t make it a habit to drive by blogs with my disapproval, or to write people off. The only thing you could do that would have me put you in my NOT A MATCH column would be… hmm. Pictures of a sauteed placenta. Or… scripture. Like, a lot of it. With animated angel gifs. Angels juggling placentas. Just so you know.

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