Lesser-Known Stipulations Of The Brangelina Dissolution Of Non-Marriage

by anna on January 25, 2010

brangelina divorce

  1. The commonly expression BRANGELINA shall heretofore cease to exist as a legally usable moniker, except where it is licensed to do so with express written permission from the PARTIES, who shall hereafter be known as BRAN and GELINA, two separate and distinct legal entities.
  2. Any real person known to be still using the moniker BRANGELINA without express written permission shall be unceremoniously uninvited to any and all present or future staged pictorial opportunities of the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff, by the parties BRAN and GELINA, and their PROGENY.
  3. From this date going forward, all of BRAN’s adoptive prospects shall be confined to the northern hemisphere; GELINA’s adoptive prospects shall heretofore be taken exclusively from the southern hemisphere.
  4. The PARTIES shall share joint custody of both the PROGENY and the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff; however, the PROGENY shall reside full time with GELINA.
  5. BRAN shall retain sole physical and legal custody of Messrs. CLOONEY, DAMON, and SODERBERGH, along with all associated ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.
  6. In the event View definition in a new window of a pairing of Mr. CLOONEY with GELINA in a movie, both PARTIES hereby acknowledge that all bets are off, for both the PROGENY and the integrity View definition in a new window of the NEW MODERN FAMILY, ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.
  7. GELINA hereby agrees to support BRAN in all current and future attempts at winning the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE DESIGNATION.
  8. In exchange, BRAN agrees never to force GELINA to live in New Orleans ever, ever again.
  9. All sundry vials of blood shall be returned to their rightful bodily owners.
  10. Both of the PARTIES have agreed to continue to shun JON VOIGHT indefinitely, since they agree he is pretty much BAT ASS CRAZY.
  11. THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support the PUBLICITY CHARADE that the non-marriage now being legally dissolved was started under completely legitimate and non-morally reprehensible circumstances; furthermore, THE ADORING PUBLIC asserts that GELINA is not a homewrecker, and BRAN is not a philanderer.
  12. Similarly, THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support THE BAT ASS CRAZY IDEA that six is too many kids to be under the guidance of two OVERSEXED AND AGING ADOLESCENTS, however breathtakingly beautiful they both might be.

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Kerry January 25, 2010 at 6:01 am

Wait–did they break up? And Jon Voight is her dad? I just googled and learned that. I suck at this stuff.

And yet I STILL laughed at #9, because even I got that. Also, #11. Because I never understood why nobody minded that he was married when she bagged him.

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:39 am

There is a credible rumor going around that yes, they broke up, and have gone to a divorce attorney to carve up all of their assets and progeny, despite the fact that they are not married.

Yeah, she has a stormy relationship with her dad.

Alexis January 25, 2010 at 7:57 am

Is it too bitchy to point out that if he found you while “committed” to someone else, the outcome of this commitment should be no surprise. Not to say that “once a cheater always a cheater” is totally true, but come on people, this is Hollywood. Don’t act so shocked.

I am getting my list up…

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:40 am

I always thought it was absurd that nobody gave them more shit for that. It’s like with Angelina Jolie, everyone goes, “Well, I mean, it’s Angelina Jolie — what could he do?” or something. She has a history of breaking up relationships. Billy Bob was with Laura Dern before they got together. Somehow nothing sticks to her, though.

Michele January 25, 2010 at 8:15 am

Hahahahaha! Do you think that Jennifer Aniston is too smart to take him back? I have doubts.

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:42 am

I definitely don’t think she’s too smart for that, but I don’t think their relationship was legitimate anyway. I saw him getting, uh, intimate with some other chick at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel before he and Jennifer Aniston broke up! It was my first date with Mr. Right Click.

Michele Renee January 25, 2010 at 9:35 am

ooooh, I love this kind of info. Why were they both not at Golden Globes?
Also, I love pointing out how she would not be in movies if it weren’t for her dad. On the other hand I do respect that Brad is from a middle class family in MO and he went on his own to Calif–right?

anna January 25, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Michele, yeah, Brad actually did the starving actor thing successfully. He was one of the guys wearing those costume suits for fast food places at one point, I think. She was definitely born into privilege, though I cannot imagine it would be a picnic to have Jon Voight as your dad, money or not.

Lynn @ human, being January 25, 2010 at 11:51 am

Between Johnny Depp trending as dead on Twitter the other day and yet more Brangelina break up news, I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of celebrity grief. Which I deal with by rolling my eyes and moving on. :)

My list is posted.

LC January 25, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Johnny Depp is dead to me after his pro-Polanski comments. It’s been a rough celebrity love week all around. Thank god for Viggo.

anna January 25, 2010 at 12:34 pm

I didn’t realize Johnny Depp said good stuff about Polanski, though it doesn’t surprise me. They made that movie together a while back, I cannot remember what it’s called.

LC January 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Here’s a link to the Depp interview: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/43033963.html#cutid1

I’m choosing to believe he didn’t read the case file and just doesn’t know any better.

Who gets to keep the dead furry animal on Bran’s chin in the divorce?

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:09 pm

Yes, I think he probably was like most of those idiots who supported him, they didn’t read the file and chose to remain ignorant.

Denise January 25, 2010 at 4:42 pm

>Also, I love pointing out how she would not be in movies if it weren’t for her dad.

Michelle: don’t forget to give respect where respect is due, though. There are a WHOLE LOT of progeny of former celebrities/big time agents/business people trying to make it in Hollywood. You don’t get to where she’s gotten without having something that they don’t IMHO.

Anyway, I am sure they have real feelings and even if they don’t, they’re 6 offspring sure do. If it’s true, it’s going to be tough on them.

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:11 pm

I actually think Angelina is very talented. I’ve always thought so. And there’s no question she’s got that “it” factor or whatever it is. I’m sure she had some doors opened as a result of her father, but she’s a real movie star IMO. I just don’t really think she should be applauded for her romantic history.

Denise January 25, 2010 at 4:43 pm

I meant their. Hate when I don’t proofread before I post!

Ginger January 25, 2010 at 6:05 pm

#10 made me snort Diet Coke. My shirt thanks you.

Something about the two of them together always bugged me. Separately, they are each fine, but “Brangelina” as an entity = irritating and overrated. Not that I wish this on any of their kids, but to be really cynical about it, a Hollywood family has to learn about breakups faster than the rest of us most of the time. Wow, that was harsh, even for the mood I’m in.

My list is up.

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:12 pm

They don’t match. He’s too straightlaced and vanilla for her, I think. I don’t think anything about those kids’ lives has been normal or consistent thusfar, so who knows if this will make a whole lot of difference in their daily experience.

Heather January 25, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Ok if they break up, I could end up pretty sad. *lol* I like them together, they actually seemed like a couple that could actually stay married. And I swear I will scream if I hear anything about Poor Sad Jen and Brad back together. I am not a fan of Poor Sad Jen. *lol* I used to not care but for some reason I care this time! *lol*

anna January 25, 2010 at 8:14 pm

I think they should just stay together and have other relationships, like she recently suggested was a possibility in an interview (I read it in NY Mag? I think). I have a hard time believing that they’ve been monogamous all this time.

But the whole Jennifer and Brad thing has been played out, it was never even a real relationship to begin with! So stupid.

Gretchen January 25, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Kathie Lee was talking about it this morning, so it MUST be true…

Okay, I’m ready to link my list…


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