From the monthly archives:

November 2009

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Photo Released By White House

  1. Is this really the best way to get my pressing questions about nationalized health care answered?
  2. What course do we use that weird-shaped knife for, again? I can never remember.
  3. Do we have to stop eating when Obama does? Or is that only in Monaco?
  4. Did I order the fish or the chicken? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t invited.
  5. Is fire-engine red really my best color?
  6. Why don’t I spell my name “Michelle” like everyone else in the entire world?
  7. What about sequins and sheer fabric on saris? Will those go over well with the Indian Prime Minister?
  8. Is getting into the cast of The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C. worth posing a threat to the President’s life?
  9. What about making an ass out of yourself in front of the whole world? Is getting onto the cast of The Real Housewives of D.C. worth that? Oh, you’re right — moot point.
  10. Is exposing Presidential security breaches on a world stage really what they mean by “guerilla marketing”?
  11. Also, exactly what am I marketing?
  12. Do gorillas have money?
  13. And can I even confirm that gorillas will be interested in it?
  14. What would Sarah Palin do?
  15. What would Joe The Plumber do?
  16. What would the balloon boy’s dad do?
  17. What could I possibly have to say that would interest any of these people enough for them to not mind me having broken into the White House?
  18. What is Spielberg’s wife’s name again?
  19. How will I handle the fallout from having demonstrated a successful means of getting within a handshake’s distance of the President for any would be evil-doers who might be looking for a way in?
  20. Will Al Qaeda have trouble finding aging, bleached blonde doctors’ wives to sweet-talk their way past Secret Service and gain access to the President?
  21. Is Al Qaeda a fan of The Real Housewives franchise?

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Check out these list lovers:

  1. 5 Beginning CSS Questions Answered | ABDPBT Tech
  2. 5 Tips For Cyber Monday Shopping | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  3. Eliz from Tink’s Mom Dot Com
  4. Deborah From Fashion Plate: Hungry For Style
  5. Kerry at Clue Wagon

Please, Lady Gaga, Call Off Your Goons

by anna on November 25, 2009

Ms. Lady Gaga
132 Marketer’s Dream Way
Gay Cult Icon, CA OU812
Planet Whackadoodle

. . . . . . . . . . . . ……………………..Reference: The Shatner Rule

Ms. Gaga:

First, let me be clear that I come in peace. In order to demonstrate this to you in a language I know you can understand, I have adopted your planet’s preferred method of face adornment.

Now, to get down to business: you are no doubt aware that I wrote a post about you a few weeks back discussing your penchant for bizarre, yet effective, marketing techniques. Let me be the first to acknowledge this was not one of my best posts. Don’t get me wrong — the concept was good, but the execution was a little weak. What can I say? It happens. You cruise along and then mid-week your toddler gets the flu or whatever, you cut a few corners, don’t elaborate or edit as much as you should. But I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to juggle career and a family. Or do I?

Anyway, somehow this post caught on with your people. I don’t know why — I never pegged most of them as personal finance blog fans. But whatever. Because over the past ten days or so, my site’s traffic has quadrupled abruptly. Look: I’m not complaining, Lady Gaga, it’s just — well, are you familiar with the Digg Effect? See, what happens is, you’re crusing along with normally increasing traffic, and then you get a giant spike all at once, and your server crashes, and your hosting company starts to wonder if you’re a spammer, and everything is fucked for a few hours or so.

Luckily for both of us, this happened last Saturday, when most of my regular audience was off having a life and not trying to surf the site anyway. Also I have a totally awesome hosting company that actually does customer service and will help you quickly when this kind of thing happens. So it’s all cleared up now, see, except for a little matter of the bill, which by the second clause of The Shatner Rule, I think you should pretty much have to cover for me. But we’ll discuss that later, when I get back from my mid-post costume change.

Anyway, getting back to The Shatner Rule, I don’t know if you remember when William Shatner had to buy a dedicated server for The Bloggess when, as a direct result of his Twitter negligence, The Bloggess View definition in a new window’ server crashed a few months back. So I was thinking that, seeing as how I’m not even asking for a dedicated server, just like a six month hosting period on the Pro Level, let’s say, it’s pretty much the least you could do to sport me the bandwidth to allow for this influx of your crazy fans. And while I’m on the topic of your fans, let me — crap, it’s time for another costume change.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Your fans. Listen, I’m sure you have some normal ones, and I totally think you’re a cool person. Especially for an alien! Just this morning, I heard on the radio that you spent a thousand dollars buying pizza for fans waiting in line to get your autograph! So let me just say something: some of your fans are a little bit rabid, and they seem to have an obsession with things like spelling, or grammar, and errors therein. And I suspect that maybe they are from Planet Whackadoodle as well, because they keep harping on me about my spelling and my supposed hatred of you, and — I’m leveling with you now, Lady Gaga — I cannot figure out what they are complaining about. I’ve looked and I’ve looked, and I still don’t know what they are talking about, it is like Perez Hilton’s entire fanbase has taken over my modest personal finance blog, and it’s getting quite frightening.

I hate to trouble you with this because I know you are busy trying to find new ways of covering up your face for public appearances. But, please, Lady Gaga, I beg of you — call off your goons.In closing, I am Your Humble Servant And At Your Disposal Always &c.,
Lady Anna

  1. BUY
  2. PWN
  3. CONSUME
  4. CONSPICUOUSLY CONSUME
  5. CONSUME IN SECRET
  6. COOP
  7. LOAN
  8. SELL
  9. RENT
  10. PAWN
  11. GOT IT
  12. GOT IT
  13. NEED IT
  14. GOT IT
  15. MERGE
  16. SPLURGE
  17. SUBLET
  18. WEALTHGROAN
  19. FAWN
  20. CRACK POT
  21. DON’T WORRY ABOUT VACCINATING YOUR CHILD
  22. CONGLOMERATE
  23. YAWN
  24. GAYLE
  25. GAYLE
  26. GAYLE
  27. PURPLE
  28. THE COLOR PURPLE
  29. ONLY WANT TO SEE YOU LAUGHING IN THE PURPLE RAIN
  30. PURPLE RAIN
  31. PURPLE RAIN
  32. THE NETWORK FORMERLY KNOWN AS PURPLE RAIN

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  3. Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt View definition in a new window dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

  1. 5 Steps To Evening Out Your Skin Tone With Photoshop | ABDPBT Tech
  2. 5 Ways To De-Stress For Less | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  3. Eliz from Tink’s Mom
  4. Elizabeth from Half Baked, Twice As Good
  5. Kerry at Clue Wagon
  6. Ginger at Ramble Ramble