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Sometimes if it’s cold in the mornings, Mr. Right-Click will put long tube socks on Mini and pull them up really high, like how old skool basketball players would wear them. If it’s really, really cold (like, say 60), he’ll pull the socks up on the outside of Mini’s sweatpants, making them go all the way up to his knee with the sweatpants tucked in. Then he’ll bring him in to me, and he’ll say, “Mini, did you tell Mommy that you’re ready to stroll the yards at Corcoran State Prison?”
I don't know -- maybe there are other convicts who stroll the yards with grilled cheese and sippy cups. What do I know?
Usually, Mini will ignore this, or say “No?” as a question, like, “Is this one of those instances where it doesn’t matter if I understand what you’re talking about?” And then he’ll ask to watch “the show.”
So, this morning Mini comes into the bedroom and he’s got on a choice strolling-the-yards outfit. The only things that would make it more complete would be a hairnet and a flannel shirt with just the top button buttoned. And Mr. Right-Click says, “Your son is a gangster.” And I say, “Mini, you’re in a gang?” and he says, “Yeah.” And then Mr. Right-Click says, “He’s ready to stroll the yards at Corcoran.” This is pretty much business as usual at our house. Except for after that, Mr. Right-Click asks Mini if he wants a bite of this breakfast bar thing that he’s got, and I guess this must be secret toddler jailhouse slang for something, because Mini yells, “NO!” and keeps repeating, “Nonononononono!”
And then, things got really weird.
Mini runs over to the corner of the bedroom and stands there, butt to the wall, and I’m thinking, “Now where the fuck did he learn that?” So I say, “Mini, have they been trying to get you to drop the soap over at preschool? Or something?” While I’m busy doing this, Mr. Right-Click grabs a banana, and he’s coming at Mini with it in his left hand like a shank, and is saying things like, “I’m coming after you, punk!” and then Mini says, “RAWR!” and Mr. Right-Click runs away screaming. Then Mr. Right-Click picks up Bruin Bear and Lamby Lamb, and he says, “We’re coming after you in numbers, dude!” But somehow Mini manages to win Bruin Bear and Lamby Lamb over into his gang, and then it’s just Buzz and Mr. Right-Click standing alone. And before I know it, Mini is forcing Mr. Right-Click to brew jailhouse wine and give him all of his cigarettes.
And I’m back at the part where Mini knows that the corner boasts the best and safest view in the circumstance of a jailhouse riot.
I don't know what's going on with my expression in this picture.
I share the same hairstylist as the actress Jaime Pressly. This happy coincidence is far less glamorous than it seems, because in Los Angeles, the odds are that this kind of thing will happen. I am telling you this because it is my roundabout way of introducing a really unscientific case study of weight loss and maintenance of weight loss that I’ve been running in my head. That scientific study has as its hypothesis that the only good reason to appear on television regularly, that I can think of, is that it gives you consistent motivation to get and/or stay thin.
It is difficult to locate full length pictures of myself from this period.
See, Jaime Pressly has a son who is almost exactly the same age as Mini. I know this because when I was pregnant, I would go get my hair cut, and Sean would give me updates about how Jaime Pressly’s pregnancy was progressing. So not only did I learn that Jaime Pressly ate a lot of food from McDonald’s whilst pregnant, I also learned when she was about to give birth, and as such she served as kind of a checks and balances system on my own pregnancy weight gain. Because even though Jaime Pressly was supposedly eating McDonald’s, I would see her on TV and she would look much better than I did, even when you allow for the fact that she’s breathtakingly beautiful to begin with and all of the necessary discrepancies in our respective appearances this causes. Jaime Pressly gaining less weight than I did when pregnant was annoying enough, but it was much worse once we had both given birth; this was in April, and by August, she had lost all of the baby weight and was back on My Name Is Earl, where she was using *a prosthetic pregnancy belly* because her character on the show was still pregnant, and she had lost all her weight. [Bitch.]
Jonna from The Real World Cancun was always thin. But she showed up for the reunion show about ten to fifteen pounds lighter.
It was about that time that I started thinking that TV appearances are the best way to lose weight and stay thin. Even being a movie star would not be more effective: movie stars have breaks between their projects, and stretches of time when they’re not being filmed every day. It’s easy for pounds to creep on during those periods — just look at Kate Winslet. She’ll be thin in a movie and then gain a little bit of weight, and then she’ll have to lose it before the next project. That’s fine, but I’d like to just maintain the constant, outside motivation that only regular appearances on national TV can provide. This is a humiliation that has made hundreds of actresses stay thin for decades at a time, even when they didn’t want to — take Kirsty Alley (fought off weight until after Cheers), Jennifer Anniston (always thin, but lost about 20 pounds over the course of the Friends run), Courtney Cox (also always thin, and has been on network TV for most of her adult life), and just about any reality TV show female character.
Which brings me to Kate Gosselin.
I don’t want to look like Kate Gosselin, mind you. But you have got to say that this is a pretty convincing argument for why being on TV regularly is a good diet plan.
I am not sure which one is worse, now that I think about it.
Do you think she’s going to be able to stay thin now that the show’s been cancelled?
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ONLINE DATING CHRONICLES
Sure, I eventually met my husband, Mr. Right-Click, through online dating. But not before I had dated nearly one hundred of Los Angeles' least suitable bachelors. Laugh along in my Online Dating Chronicles.
Sometimes I like to muckrake. You can read about it here. Oh, and here too. Listen, if I don't do it, that muck will just keep piling up until we have to call a roto-rooter. So really, you should thank me. You're welcome.
You know, you slave away at blog posts day after day, you try to write fiction, you try to provide interesting social commentary, but at the end of the day, they come for the lists. Check out List Mondays to see what all the hullabaloo is about, because I sure as hell cannot explain it.
OTHER ABDPBT BLOGS
ABDPBT Personal Finance
Shining a light on the big business of poop.
Tech for mommy bloggers. Or bloggers who aren't mommies, but hang out with them. Or Dads. Whatever.
ABDPBT Commodity Fetishism
This is where I post stuff that I think is cool. Maybe you will think it's cool, too.
If you'd prefer to peruse the ABDPBT archives by month, you can check them out here:
Los Angeles is where I was born and raised. I always thought I'd leave, but for some reason I never did. Sometimes, I like it here. Other times, I'm not so sure. But good or bad, it has made me who I am.
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Sometimes I take the melodrama of my life and twist and turn it until it looks almost charming. I do this because I want you to like me:
Assburger: It's not just a disorder on the autism spectrum: it's also one of your relatives!
On Truth: Sometimes somebody will say something and it hurts your feelings. And then you will write a story about it and your aunt will call it "phenomenal." Everyone else will try to pretend like it never happened.
The Sheer And Unmitigated Power of Bob Mould: Sometimes you spend your formative years obsessed by an unrequited teenage crush, and then one day you realize that person is now an orthopedic surgeon who lives in your neighborhood. It kinda sucks when that happens.
Ben From Madera: For one Halloween, Ben dressed up like a bee, like that kid in the Blind Melon video. That's how I will always remember him.
He is my best friend, even if he uses a PC. And the fact that sometimes he will pretend to be a "Pancake Pirate" is only part of the reason. Arrrr!
His cutie-pie percentile group is off the charts.
If you think this is just about exercise, then you have underestimated how wildly inappropriate people can be when they undergo physical pain in a group setting.
Mini: The Fame
My name is Anna. I like to blog. ABDPBT is a creative effort at understanding my experience as a wife, mother, recovering academic, popular culture enthusiast, satirist, and unrepentant fake American.