4 Lunchbox Options For Your Deviant Toddler

by anna on September 28, 2009

This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.

This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.

  1. Kurt Cobain In Memoriam Lunchbox
    Who's that on your lunchbox, Mini? Oh a GenX rock icon who shot of his head with a shotgun? SUPER.

    Who's that on your lunchbox, Mini? Oh a GenX rock icon who shot of his head with a shotgun? SUPER.

    This is quite simply the lunchbox for the toddler whose parents long for a bygone era, who ache for the days when GenX rock idols were just misunderstood suicidal heroin addicts, rather than the deceased subjects of tedious Gus Van Sant films. And what burgeoning young creative genius won’t appreciate the flexibility of the included thermos? Concealing the vodka you brought to share at snack time or disposing of used needles has never been easier! Plus, your child can spread word about the grunge movement among a new generation when he sets up his lunchbox at the miniature table at lunchtime, where all of his preschooler buddies can get a clear view of Kurt Cobain at his guitar, smoking as he composed what would become the soundtrack to the 1990s. And when all the other preschoolers start debating the aesthetic appeal of Kinderslut, or exchanging bon mots like “Rape me, my friend . . . rape me, AGAIN,” or “Polly wants a cracker, guess I should get off her first,” within earshot of their parents, well — how proud will you be that it was your precious little one who first got them to wonder if they were dumb, or maybe just happy, before popping an SSRI?

  2. Betty Page Lunch Box
    Betty Page is already a role model for maladjusted goth pre-stripper teens everywhere. But if you know your toddler is going to end up on the pole, why not indulge inappropriate hero-worship earlier?

    Betty Page is already a role model for maladjusted goth pre-stripper teens everywhere. But if you know your toddler is going to end up on the pole, why not indulge inappropriate hero-worship earlier?


    Before Betty Draper was picking out lunchboxes at the Five & Dime that morning, she hadn’t realized that her daughter’s destiny was to be the contestant on every season of Project Runway whose personal style consists of mixing red gingham with Doc Martens. But when her three-year-old picked out this Betty Page lunchbox, Betty Draper realized it was only a matter of time before Michael Kors was sending her home in the fourth or the fifth round, declaring himself “so tired” of candy apple red lipstick set against a backdrop of paler-than-pale skin. And so Betty Draper objected at first that the lunchbox glorified a woman of loose morals and middlebrow tastes, and besides, it was far too small to accommodate her daughter’s beloved goldfish crackers and chocolate Ho-Hos. But then a Betty Draper had a feeling — or something akin to those instinctive impulses she once felt, but had then learned to ignore (with the help of an extra glass or two) of wine at dinner). Betty Draper realized that if she did not do something quick, then one day soon all of those fruit roll-ups and granola bars would become more cellulite on her daughter’s hips, and so why not choose the smaller lunchbox now, taking her daughter’s aesthetic preference as a sign that perhaps it was already time for her daughter, too, to begin tenure on the Mother’s Little Helper diet of melba toast, coffee, wine, and prescription amphetamines.

  3. The “Just Plain Mean” Lunchbox
    This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.

    This lunchbox advertises your toddler's unresolved anger management issues.


    Mean is cool! In fact, mean is exactly the kind of ideal we want to set for our burgeoning young feminists! Being mean will keep the boys safely away from you, where they cannot infect you with their nasty boy cooties or subject you to their patriarchal-reinforcing rituals of heteronormativity! And not only that, embracing your inner meanie also encourages and propagates the overly simplistic, black-and-white epistemology that has plagued the assessment of female characters since the beginning of time! Is Susie a nice girl? No, she’s mean! Have you ever seen her actually kick somebody in the crotch? No, but I’m sure that she would. Where did you pick up the term ‘vagina dentata‘ anyway, Billy? Has your grandfather been sending you stuff from his 1930s pulp fiction collection again? But, Moooooo-um — I’m telling you that she’s that kind of girl: she’s MEAN!
  4. Tonight We Dine In Hell Lunchbox
    Oooh! Dining in hell? Will there be brimstone appies?

    Oooh! Dining in hell? Will there be brimstone appies?


    Instill in your toddler the merits of asceticism and a life of self-restraint with this Spartan lunchbox. Perfect for large picnics, the “Tonight We Dine In Hell” lunchbox is roomy enough to hold rations for your child and all of the classmates with whom he was separated from the rest of the community at an early age in order to undergo extreme physical conditioning and preparation for warfare. The thermos doubles as an ice cooler, and in a pinch it can be used to transport blood for battlefield transfusions. And before you object to the verisimilitude of the steroid-enhanced abs on Gerard Butler depicted on the front of the lunchbox, remember that juxtaposing this picture with those from recent movies will only underscore for your toddler the merits of consistent self-restraint and unrelenting physical training.

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{ 10 comments }

Tim G September 28, 2009 at 5:19 am

So much cooler than a Scooby Do lunchbox, or maybe the Jetsons. Why use fictional characters whose lives are impossible to emulate? Perhaps there’s a market for presidential lunchboxes, or world leaders in general. Their most famous speeches could be written inside for inspiration. Clinton’s most famous quote? “It depends on what the meaing of the word ‘is’ is”
My list is up!

anna September 28, 2009 at 6:59 am

Well, I think it would work if they chose particularly inappropriate presidential moments — the Watergate break-in or Nixon spouting off with racist remarks, etc., George W Bush saying “misunderestimated,” etc. :)

Kerry September 28, 2009 at 5:40 am

I had an employee who brought a lunchbox every day. It was a vintage Star Wars one that he paid $90 for on eBay. If he’d seen the Betty Page one, though, I think he would have picked that instead. He was that type.

My list is up.

anna September 28, 2009 at 7:04 am

I’m not sure which idea is more appealing to me, the adult in arrested development or the toddler cynical beyond his years. Either way, it’s a strange and fascinating market in my mind.

Elizabeth September 28, 2009 at 7:26 am

Wooo…Kurt Cobain. I’d like a lunchbox with Courtney Love’s tweets on it.

List up!

anna September 29, 2009 at 7:44 am

I don’t think I could read Courtney Love’s twitter stream without feeling like I was going insane myself.

Alexis September 28, 2009 at 9:45 am

I feel a need to point out that the term “lunchbox” may be outdated. Many of the “trendier” (and my that i mean annoying) moms I know refer to packing lunches as “providing bento lunches.” Yeah…if only I were joking. I mean really, since when is BP&J with carrots and an organic milk box a gourmet “bento” box?

For me, Fraggle Rock will always be a classic choice, though the Just Plain Mean would probably best sum up my personality.

My list is up.

anna September 29, 2009 at 7:53 am

I thought about actually buying a bento box for Mini’s preschool, but then I thought, what are the odds I actually use this, and get all of the pieces back on a regular basis? Not good.

Ginger September 28, 2009 at 1:50 pm

I love that these are inappropriate whether for a child or an adult…though I do know a few folks who would go for the Betty Page one.

I have a list up.

anna September 29, 2009 at 7:56 am

I have to say I don’t get the Betty Page thing.

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