8 Ways To Make Yourself Stand Out At A Fake Awards Show, Or At An Open Session Of Congress, Or Both.

by anna on September 21, 2009

  1. When Kanye West gets up to interrupt someone who is accepting an award, get up and interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting, and I’mma let you finish, but I really thought 50-Cent’s album was better than yours. Just felt it was important to say that. Yes, I feel strongly that now is the appropriate time for this. Exactly this moment, as a matter of fact.”
  2. I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.

    I didn't know that Lady Gaga was part of the Nation of Islam. Must be a reform mosque, though.

  3. When Lady Gaga gets up to accept an award with red lace covering the entirety of her face, interrupt her speech while wearing a shirt that says: “JIMMY CARTER SAY: THE WORDS OF GOD DO NOT JUSTIFY CRUELTY TO WOMEN.”
  4. Addendum to #2: When Lady Gaga gets up to accept her award wearing some kind of New Age-inspired red lace burqa with accompanying crown, interrupt her by saying, “Yo, Gaga. I know you’re busy being all ‘out-there’ and ‘fashionably adventurous,’ and I’mma let you finish, but first I need to spray fake blood all over myself and then have a bunch of young gay men lift me up so I can hang from a noose in the middle of the stage. If you don’t mind.
  5. Take Eminem aside and explain to him what being a “gay icon” means, and requires of one, fashionably speaking. While you are doing this, make sure you are quick on your feet, just in case he tries to hit you when he realizes that he was expressing grave concern over someone who might not even be a woman after all.
  6. When Joe Wilson interrupts the President’s speech to Congress by shouting, “You lie!”, accurately capture the relevancy of his point of view by interrupting him with, “Yo, Joe Wilson. I know you’re busy stewing in racially motivated hatred and paranoia, and I’mma let you finish, but let me first get this out: THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!”
  7. When you’re a Disney star accepting a fake award from a fake awards show for a song that nobody over the age of 30 has ever heard or wants to know about, and Kanye West jumps on stage to interrupt you, right after he says, “I’mma let you finish,” instead of crying, what you gotta do is this: you interrupt him by saying, “Yo, Kanye. I know you’re busy interrupting me, and I’mma let you finish, but I gotta say that I’ve never been this close to a black man before and I find I’m strangely excited and frightened at the same time.” Then, in the ensuing silence and tense atmosphere, grab your award and walk off stage.
  8. If you’re the guy that beat out Michael Jordan for a spot on his high school basketball team, and he’s invited you to sit there in the audience and eat shit while he gets inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, arrange to have Phil Collins show up, and then at just the right moment, when Jordan’s really switching it into high narcissisistic gear with the stories about fighting his brothers, then you get Phil Collins to be lowered down on stage with his drumset, playing the opening beat to “In The Air Tonight.” And then when Phil’s finally lowered down and there’s a spotlight searching aimlessly around the audience, Phil Collins will say “Yo, Air Jordan. I know you’re busy making this poor dude you went to high school eat shit on ESPN for no good reason, and I’mma let you finish, but first let me tell you this, “I can feel it coming in the air tonight — oh LORD — and I been waiting for this moment for all my life!”
  9. Sit quietly in your seat, taking notes, nodding your head, and/or clapping where appropriate, as if you had not received the memo that all public figures are supposed to do things that suggest they are afflicted with either narcissistic personality disorder and/or Asperger’s syndrome, or both, in the calendar year of 2009.

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{ 9 comments }

Kerry September 21, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Seriously? That’s what she wore? That’s not photoshopped? Because I am a little surprised that we were talking about Kanye West when there was that outfit to discuss.

My list is finally up.

anna September 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Apparently, we’re not discussing ANYTHING today. Where the hell is everyone?

anna September 22, 2009 at 8:00 am

Kerry, no, it’s not photoshopped. It’s actually what she wore, yes, but only one of many outfits, all fairly insane. At one point she was wearing a white thing framing her face that looked kind of like barbed wire. It makes me wonder why she won’t allow people to see her face.

Alexis September 22, 2009 at 5:21 am

Damn the hormones that I was asleep long before all this excitement unfolded. I simply must start watching more prime time awards shows. Missed my list thanks to a visit from the in-laws…let us just leave it at that.

Narcissistic personality disorder…. that sums it up just right. Of course, i am convinced I have that disorder, but then again, if I recognize that fact don’t I, by definition, not have said complex?

Well, now it is all about me, and I am happy….

anna September 22, 2009 at 8:03 am

Alexis, I don’t think narcissists ever think to look at themselves in anything like critical self-awareness. I could be wrong, though. Even if they seek help I think it’s usually just to have another opportunity to talk about themselves, rather than to analyze themselves. I think that’s why you never hear somebody going around telling people that they’ve been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it’s more like the thing that other people diagnose you with. LOL.

Elizabeth September 22, 2009 at 7:12 am

That picture of Lady Gaga gave me nightmares last night. Seriously.

anna September 22, 2009 at 7:59 am

It is rather disturbing, isn’t it?

beth aka confusedhomemaker September 22, 2009 at 8:23 am

That’s not even the weirdest thing about Lady Gaga; in fact, the lace shroud was almost normal in comparison to her blood letting.

Tim Gardner September 22, 2009 at 8:53 pm

I didn’t comment this week because I was sure you would interrupt me.

And yes, I am so over Kanye. I’m glad Leno asked him , basically, WTF.

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