It has become a tradition in recent months for celebrities to autograph the bathroom wall at my eyebrow waxing salon. Astonishingly enough, the staff at Damone Roberts has neglected to invite me to participate in this ritual as of yet, but then my brand of “celebrity” probably plays better in more bookish cities. Also, they may perhaps be running low on purple sharpies. But no matter: they do leave me unattended in the bathroom on occasion, even if I’m armed only with the standard-issue camera on the iPhone 3G. Photoshop and black and white retouching will fix a multitude of sins, my friends.At first glance, you might think that Michelle Williams’ autograph is overly evangelical, particularly for someone who got her big break by swapping spit with James VanDerBeek on Dawson’s Creek. But since the first time I remember seeing her autograph (it was one of the earliest, just shortly after Brandy’s), it was only a few months after Heath Ledger’s death, the God stuff didn’t seem horribly out of place. I would guess that losing the father of your child would make you lean heavily on your spiritual foundation.
What is more interesting to me about Michelle Williams’ autograph is the way that some of her words (“May God / Bless Your Establishment”) are lined up, but “Richly” appears to be an afterthought, since it’s situated off to the side of everything else. Do you think Michelle Williams got sidetracked in the middle of her autograph — perhaps she was still reeling from the gall of the staff that had asked her to sign celebrity ephemera in their bathroom while she was still in mourning? Or was she initially saying “God bless” the way Southerners say “Well, bless her soul” to refer to crazy people and/or people whom they don’t like? Maybe Michelle Williams has the same understanding of the mechanics of God’s grace as a former sponsor of mine, who instructed me to pray for people I didn’t like (so that they would get what they want and then leave me the fuck alone). I wonder when she decided to add the “Richly” — or if it was the suggestion of somebody else. Also, what’s with all the capital letters? Is she German? If only these walls could talk.
I don’t really know how or when Megan Fox officially became famous, but as I gather, her popularity among men aged 18-34 is intimately linked to her fantastic body. This must be why she draws the “m” in her first name to look like a pair of really floppy boobs or an upside down butt. She is probably one of those faux-modest celebrities who try to make you feel better about the fact that you wear a size 12. Or maybe she has a sense of humor about it all? Like, “Hey, look at me, I can laugh at myself — sure, I have a great body and everything, but trust me, my ‘m’ is much floppier than yours.” “No, I’m not kidding — you should see my ‘m’ in a bikini!” “You don’t understand how much retouching goes into these things.” “No, you’re the greatest.”
But seriously, megan [sic.] all caps in your homage to the Eyebrow King, and then no caps in the signing of your name? What’s your real story? You can tell me. I know it’s tough to be named after a small animal that has to scratch out its meager living by executing a delicate dance of deception that convinces everyone around them that they are stupid and non-threatening. But tell me, what other dark secrets are you hiding? If you don’t let out the pain in some constructive way, you might end up turning to a life of crime, like your family member, Swiper Fox. Here’s to hoping that your Hollywood story doesn’t every end up on E!
And finally, Robert Downey, Jr. Sigh. I think it must have been very strange to be in an eyebrow waxing salon with your wife, and then asked to sign the wall. Do you expect me to believe that they asked you to sign the wall, despite the fact that you are not actually a client of Damone Roberts? Come on, Bobby. Why do you protest so much here? Why must you attempt to compensate for the two logical (and equally emasculating) explanations for your visit to Damone Roberts ( 1) that you are having your eyebrows waxed professionally, or 2) that you have nothing better to do but to tag along with your wife when she gets her eyebrows waxed) by placing your autograph directly above the toilet, where the most likely person to notice it would have to be another man, as he stands to use the toilet? Was it your thinking that the person who noticed it would have to be, logically speaking, in the same position as yourself, viz. in a Wilshire Boulevard salon without a very good explanation? Or, did you put your autograph beneath the toilet seat cover dispenser to offer a special reward for those patrons who value the illusion of sanitary conditions that only extremely loud and cheap tissue paper cut in the shape of an “O” can offer? Are you a neat freak, Bobby?
But more to the point: what’s with the bumbling language here, Bobby? I know that we often have an overblown conception of the intelligence of actors — particularly the talented ones, such as yourself — because of the roles they play. But come on, Bobby: “whom’s“? WTF? If somebody asks you to autograph a wall in a joint where you’re not really excited about admitting you’ve been, just don’t do it next time! My precious conception of your intelligence was hard-won: starting with your speaking role in Weird Science in the late eighties, through the Charlie Chaplin Oscar bids, only to be made stronger over the course of dozens of Ally McBeal episodes, petty theft arrests, and rehab stints. I’ve even accepted you as an action hero, Bobby! But I need to believe that you’re intelligent — I need to believe that the person who is so supremely talented as to be able to get an Oscar nod for Tropic Thunder can write a sentence that makes more sense than this one: “It is in fact US, (whom’s unruly brows) deserve to not be discriminated against.” What does that even mean, Bobby? Are you talking about eyebrows or a bid for the unsung plight of the hetero white man in America? Bobby? Bobby?