All I’m saying is that if I’m not pregnant, then my hormones have some explaining to do.
I’m exhausted, my boobs are sore, I’m constantly peeing, and I’m breaking out like an extra on Degrassi Junior High. Yesterday, I walked past a room and caught a strong burrito scent, but there was no burrito in sight. And when I looked around to see if anyone else was looking around for a rogue stinky burrito, everyone was just going about their business as if nothing was out of the ordinary — as if somebody hadn’t eaten an extra stinky burrito in that general vicinity at some recent point in time.
I have been very fortunate with my fertility thus far — I know this. I have hesitated, in fact, to write about trying to conceive here because I know it is a sensitive issue. If you conceive easily, the two-week wait (the gap of time in between ovulation and the first days in which a pregnancy test will be effective) is plenty annoying. I can only imagine what it would be like if the process of trying to conceive were to stretch out over the course of months or years. I would imagine that this is why there are websites devoted to this topic that are called “pee on a stick” and such. The fact that we don’t have a better way of predicting pregnancy accurately, sooner, is just crazy-making. And if I end up getting pregnant easily, as I did with Mini, please know that I am quite aware of how lucky I am and do not take it for granted.
And then, of course, there is the flip-side: if I have trouble conceiving, and I’ve taken my readers along on this trying to conceive journey with me, then that is another group of people who will have to know bad news, if there is any, or who could potentially ask about it, and this could lead to painful experiences down the line. But, this blog is about my life and right now my life is consumed by this kind of stuff. I have tried to distract myself by making technological innovations on my blog that are, quite frankly, beyond me — but this only works for so long. I don’t think it is that I really am so attached to the idea of being pregnant, this time, right now — I think that the obsession stems from the uncertainty of everything during these two weeks. You might do everything different if you knew you were pregnant. Like: if I’m pregnant, then I don’t feel as bad about being so tired and not wanting to get up in the morning. But if I’m not pregnant, then why am I being so fucking lazy? If I’m pregnant, then that explains why spinning was so hard yesterday. If I’m pregnant, then that explains this splitting headache, but it also means I should not have taken those four ibuprofen.
So, to recap: I might be pregnant, or I might just be regressing back to puberty. Stay tuned to find out which it is–and get out your SLAM books and Tears For Fears 45s ready, if it’s the latter, because there’s going to be some changes around here — by the way, how do you feel about pink and purple as a new color scheme?