16 Signs Your Cult Leader Might Be Insane

by anna on September 7, 2009

  1. He changes his name to Ocho Cinco.
  2. He keeps saying things like “How’s that workin’ for ya?” and “You need to get off the wrong track and get on the right train” with an Oklahoman accent. When he’s from Rhode Island.
  3. He starts hanging out with Andy Dick.
  4. She keeps going on and on about “death panels” and when you question her on it, she quits her job as Governor of Alaska.
  5. He makes a big show of hating the French, and encourages you to do things like pour out your bottles of French wine and stop eating French fries, even though you object by saying that French fries are from Belgium, and this is stupid.
  6. They decide to release their best product to date–possibly the best product ever, and then give an exclusive service contract for that product to AT&T.
  7. Directly after being criticized for using her power to sway customer service departments in her favor, she follows up by parlaying a two-state virtual manhunt for a friend-of-a-friend’s missing trust fund cousin into an opportunity to bully View definition in a new window one of her detractors into blocking her Twitter account.
  8. He thinks that you can avoid paying for health care if you eat enough brown rice and tempeh.
  9. She starts referring to herself in the third person and announcing things in a long, drawn-out and overly theatrical fashion, like “Ooooooohprah.”
  10. He keeps pestering you about downloading his ebook, and when you finally do, it’s just pages and pages of “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,” in different configurations.
  11. He starts talking about doing a guest spot on Entourage.
  12. She repeatedly makes her dog balance things on his head so that she can take a picture of it, Photoshop it, and then post it on the internet. Like, for years she does this.
  13. He hires two employees to tweet for him, and most of his tweets are like a step away from spam to begin with.
  14. He starts talking about this “one simple rule” that you need to “obey.”
  15. She organizes a book club and makes everyone read something by this esoteric new-agey guy who is obsesed with flowers and the power of now, and encourages people to continue to tell each other they understand it and endorse it, when clearly that is impossible, because it is not understandable and it is jibberish.
  16. He decides to move his late-night comedy show to 10:00 pm.

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{ 14 comments }

Tim Gardner September 7, 2009 at 5:33 am

I think I would add “Considers him/herself to be a Cult Leader”.
I think I need to go on a scavenger hunt to get a couple of these, but that might be worth the search!

My list is up, and I got the button right this time :)

Kerry September 7, 2009 at 5:37 am

BWAHAHAHAHA.

I have no list, because I started one yesterday, but then I looked at my stats and realized that since people read my blog from work, and no one is working today, no one would see the list anyway. Plus, I’m lazy. Also, today is Dinosaur Train day, which has somehow turned into an all-day celebration…until the UPS man drops off the new Thomas movie, and then we’ll be watching that. Hopefully it’s not as bad as the other one, in which Peter Fonda is on some sort of very heavy sedative.

anna September 7, 2009 at 6:05 am

OMG TODAY IS DINOSAUR TRAIN DAY?! Thank you for telling me!

Kerry September 7, 2009 at 6:34 am

Yep, four episodes in a row, starting at 8am (here at least). We just watched the first one. It’s pretty good. At one point Charlie was so into it he forgot to chew his pancake, and it fell out onto his lap. That’s the sign of a good toddler-boy show.

anna September 7, 2009 at 6:45 am

I just set the Tivo–it starts at 8:30. I expect I can do whatever I want once that show comes on.

anna September 7, 2009 at 6:46 am

Err, I mean, I love Mini’s and my early morning time. What am I talking about? Getting up at 5:30 is fun!

Alexis September 7, 2009 at 7:17 am

Damn! I missed “Dinosaur Train.” Must get some episodes recorded soon, I do like to shower in peace and all…

Back to the topic at hand: I think we need a new blogo-sphere-wide article: “Since When Are Blogs Not The Start of Religious Fanaticism?” (dibs,BTW). Now if only I could figure out those keys steps that bring your blog from “random personal ramblings” to “cult-following-book-deal.”

My list is up.

eliz September 7, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Great list. With an August birthday, you must feel a special kinship with cult leaders, as I do. Every year my birthday coincides with fresh documentaries about the Manson family. That wacky Charlie.

My list is up.

Deb on the Rocks September 8, 2009 at 7:12 am

I would love to be a cult leader someday, but my cult will not be virtual and will rely heavily on homemade hallucinogins. I’d take it on, but I don’t have the time or wardrobe for it right now.

mouse September 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm

How about:

Because other, scarier cult leaders think he’s insane. This is apparently, what Charles Manson thought of Scientology.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy September 9, 2009 at 7:15 am

I think this is my favorite list so far.

Monica September 9, 2009 at 9:33 am

Hi Anna, do you really not like Dooce and if not, why? Just curious.

anna September 9, 2009 at 10:35 am

Monica, I don’t know Dooce. I enjoy her site, but I also enjoy poking fun at her antics. To me, she is like a celebrity, so I satirize her as such.

Monica September 9, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Good enough – thanks. I enjoy reading your stuff even though I am not a mother and agewise I could probably be yours. Good luck with that girl.

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