17 Signs That Maybe We, As A Society, Have Reached Critical Mass With The Vampire Stuff

by anna on August 31, 2009

  1. Teenagers are starting to refer to their virginity in terms of whether or not they’ve been “punctured” or not.
  2. The Count has asked for marquee billing alongside Elmo on Sesame Street Live.
  3. Robert Pattinson’s philosophical musings on anything, anything at all, are being recorded for posterity by the mass media. And then blogged. And then, inevitably, eblogged.
  4. There is a sparkly “vamp” dildo with hot and cold settings now available for purchase.
  5. That last one is not a joke.
  6. No seriously, even I couldn’t have come up with that one on my own.
  7. Because, honestly, how are you turned on by the idea of a glittery vampire? Does he shop at Claire’s or something?
  8. And, also, hot and cold? Whaaaa?
  9. News of Robert Pattinson’s love life is starting to interfere with the otherwise strict all-Gosselin, all-the-time news policy at People.
  10. I think people are really starting to believe Kristen Stewart is beautiful.
  11. Worse than that, I think people are starting to think that Kristen Stewart is a good actress.
  12. Much worse than either of the previous two, but still related to both: I think people are starting to think that shuffling your feet, hemming and hawing, looking up through your lashes, then back down, then back up, and biting your lip is what sexual tension is supposed to look like on-screen.
  13. People screening Twilight are so in love with the idea of a vampire doctor who doesn’t age that they did not laugh, immediately, when they saw Peter Facinelli’s makeup job in. Rather, they just added the unholly pallor of his face to their pile of already all-to-easily suspended disbeliefs, directly underneath the idea that vampires can walk around in the daylight as long as it’s cloudy enough, and to the right of the fact that a practicing Mormon owns this franchise built around supernatural creatures who have to be going to hell for sucking blood, right? Right? Am I right?
  14. Australian and Kiwi actors are becoming so comfortable in their Louisiana accents that they’re thinking about keeping them.
  15. Those black-eyed people in True Blood are super creepy, huh? But then you’re like, hey, I’ve seen that before. Then you’re thinking, hey, don’t they remind you just a little bit–just a little bit–of Dooce View definition in a new window’s rabid followers in the wake of last week’s Maytag incident?
  16. So then you decide to just totally run with that metaphor, and you’ve got a picture of Heather Armstrong View definition in a new window, all dolled up in the latest datewear from Forever35, strolling into onto the dance floor of Merlotte’s bar and commanding, “THE GOD WHO COMES TO HUMANS WANTS THE MAYTAG View definition in a new window REPAIRMAN! BRING ME THE MAYTAG View definition in a new window REPAIRMAN!!”
  17. And then you’re like, shit, I better cool it, else it’s going to be my heart that she’s cooking into a souffle next week.

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{ 10 comments }

The Stiletto Mom August 31, 2009 at 4:55 am

See? Every time I come here I get a mini-education. I had no idea about the Maytag incident, and yes, her rabid followers can be compared to black eyed vampires…or zombies. Then again, what good is a week in the blogosphere without a major drama? I will miss you when you become next weeks souffle.

Kerry August 31, 2009 at 5:36 am

See, I had only a dim clue about the vampires, but I DID know about Maytag-gate, so it was STILL funny.

I predict that the hot-and-cold sparkle dildo goes viral by 10am.

My list is up.

Tim G August 31, 2009 at 5:53 am

I’ve avoided the whole Twilight thing, so the names and references don’t mean much, and yet, I know entirely too much about the Maytag thing. Too much = more than is needed for my daily life functioning. Why I kept reading more about it I don’t know.
That’s why I stop by here, to get up-to-date on the really critical issues of the day.
Hope your air is OK. My list is up.

Elizabeth August 31, 2009 at 6:23 am

#14: Do actors only come from Down Under now? Every single show I watch features some Aussie actress who just can’t seem to shake her accent…which then makes her seem like she’s drunk all the time because she can’t pronounce “there” correctly.

Also, shhh, don’t tell: I’ve never seen Twilight. Or Harry Potter.

List is up.

Perpetua August 31, 2009 at 6:54 am

Hold up. Vampire d*ck is supposed to be cold? I anticipate a surge in popularity among the vaginal birth crowd. It certainly seems preferable to the weird cold-pack/diaper thing they gave me….

Also, Forever35! HA!

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) August 31, 2009 at 7:26 am

That little video clip on the dildo site was better than Twilight. You know, slap a wig on that thing, and that would be a far better Edward.

Alexis August 31, 2009 at 7:38 am

Thank you for number 13. I literally laughed out loud, and may have even peed a little, when Dr. Cullen strode on in. I confess to having read the first two books, and saw the movie thanks to NetFlix, but only so I can mock in an informed manner. The real question is not “why are these poorly written/acted/directed things selling?” But “why not me?” Surely we could churn this stuff out…

My list is up.

Becky August 31, 2009 at 9:22 am

OMG, that dildo. Do not get it.

And I think #12 is a major problem. Or it touches on a major problem. But please do not get me started on the Twilight thing!

Ginger August 31, 2009 at 9:35 am

I do not get the vampire thing, personally, but I can kind of get why some people do like it. But that dildo is frightening me, and makes me worry for our society. I mean…wow…just…wow.

My list is up.

beth aka confusedhomemaker August 31, 2009 at 2:21 pm

The Count, now he really does deserve some billing doesn’t he? How would we ever know how to count to 10, 10 chocolate cakes.

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