15 Things I Learned From Watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey

by anna on June 15, 2009

  1. “Bubbies,” in addition to being to a brand of upscale pickles, are something you can pay roughtly $20,000 to acquire in a off-site surgical center.
  2. “Construction” is an astonishingly lucrative business in Northern New Jersey.
  3. When in doubt, go with the leopard print.
  4. It is acceptable–nay, expected–to loudly proclaim your dancing instructor as being “so gay!” if you work in “construction” in Northern New Jersey.
  5. Ostentatious French Provençal is BIG in Northern New Jersey.
  6. It is universally thought of as being a bad idea to have “big hair” and “fake nails.” What differs is what constitutes “big” and “fake” in different parts of the country.
  7. In addition to being a homicidal doll, a “Chuckie” is something that threatens to “hang out” if you bend over whilst wearing a short skirt.
  8. Wine coolers do still exist! It’s just that they all moved to New Jersey.
  9. People do make fun of “Jersey Girls,” but it is only because they are jealous.
  10. There are many places to shop on Cypress. Some of these places sell heavily ornamented Converse Chuck Taylors.
  11. “Preplay” is something that happens after the revelation of the lingerie but before the lingerie “comes right off.” (If it happens.)
  12. Every beautiful former coke whore woman has a gay man “behind her, supporting her.”
  13. A good way to motivate your child to do better in remedial summer school is to buy her a brand new, fully loaded SUV a made by a now-defunct American automotive giant.
  14. Sometimes people with kids, even if their husband works in “construction,” can get nervous about leaving their children with a woman who might have once been involved with the Columbian cartel.
  15. Jokes about New Jersey: classic comedy gold, no matter which coast you call home.

Check out these list lovers:

  1. 5 Tips For Handing Out Business Cards | ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. Kerry at Clue Wagon
  3. Eliz at Tink’s Mom

{ 14 comments }

Christine June 15, 2009 at 6:09 am

I’d have to say that #9 is the straight up truth, at least in our minds. They play Springsteen’s “Jersey Girl” song at every dance we attend from the eigth grade through weddings to get us to believe it.

becky June 15, 2009 at 7:19 am

I have been watching that show with my mouth hanging open. Except somehow I love Dina. I always root for the Mean Girl, I guess.

becky´s last blog post..I Am Somewhat Rabbit-Like Now

Juliet June 15, 2009 at 8:02 am

(Bubbe means “grandma” in Yiddish….)

Juliet´s last blog post..Simple Woman’s Daybook for June 15, 2009

Laurie June 15, 2009 at 8:05 am

Chuckie – until Lauren’s references – in the context of things she wouldn’t want to wax on customers and what would hang out while bending over – I’d never heard that term. I’m still not 100% clear on what it is.

jenni June 15, 2009 at 12:13 pm

excellent, excellent list.

jenni´s last blog post..Two

Kerry June 15, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Loved this one. I am especially glad to know that I am not the only one who was unfamiliar with the term “chuckie.”

My list is up (although it’s pretty half-assed).

Kerry´s last blog post..7 Reasons There’s No Real Blog Post Here Today

SoMo June 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm

I have one to add: Everyone believes they are an extra out of the Sopranos.

I call my son Bubbie, because down here in the South every boy is a Bubba and adding -ie just means you are a little Bubba.

SoMo´s last blog post..Daddy/Daughter Dance

eliz June 15, 2009 at 6:50 pm

Fab list. I hope to make #3 my new personal motto. As soon as I get some leopard print stuff.

There’s something about these housewives that I find liberating. Actually, they’re really dull. The Danielle vs. Everyone drama is being milked too much, and even though the rumors are really good (and true!), it’s not enough to sustain this version of the franchise. The NJ gals really make the NYC broads look like a meeting of the Algonquin Round Table, no?

But I sort of admire the Jersey girls’ ability to be tacky and sparkly. With the NYC group, it was always a taste contest, with the Countess and her book and Ramona’s constant accusations of being declasse. Bo-ring. You don’t find the NJ gals worrying about such cerebral things. They’re flashy and tacky and have husbands who pay for tens of thousands of dollars worth of furniture in CASH and have big hair and drive monstrously large, politically incorrect SUVs and don’t care what anyone thinks about them. If any one of them had a brain in her head, I think I’d want to be her. Luckily there’s no chance of that.

I have a list up that is either marginally funny or a dud or something that’s going to get me into trouble. Or B and C.

eliz June 15, 2009 at 7:29 pm

And Danielle’s gay husband? Oy.

SoMo June 16, 2009 at 8:26 am

One more thing, since TiVo recorded some recap show or whatever. I find it strange that Teresa spends a lot on just about everything, but has her daughter in a $50 carseat. Why wouldn’t she get the best carseat money could buy for her daughter?

Okay, it is petty, but it just boggles my brain everytime I see it, which is usually right after she has paid tons of cash for clothes or furniture. That does impress me that she spends cash, but adds to the number one on the list. ;)

SoMo´s last blog post..Daddy/Daughter Dance

abdpbt June 16, 2009 at 8:52 am

Maybe the $50 one “fell off the back of a truck”?

Kelly June 16, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Great list. Waiting for the freak-out in the restaurant tonight, which I’m sure will only disappoint after how much it’s been hyped. Even my husband’s been watching. Love your comments about “construction.” We’ve all seen that Sopranos documentary. We know what’s really going on.

maggie, dammit June 16, 2009 at 4:41 pm

I call my daughters “bubbie.”

(I’d never make it in Jersey.)

maggie, dammit´s last blog post..And the wall comes crumbling down

The Peach Tart June 18, 2009 at 3:54 am

You nailed it. You’re right about the hair thing. Here is the South we love big hair.

The Peach Tart´s last blog post..Bad wine, Pee Pads and Farts

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