8 Lesser-Known Heroes And Their Poorly Publicized, Second-Rate Superpowers

by anna on April 27, 2009

[Ed. Note: Thanks to Mr. Right-Click for helping me with both the conceptualization and realization of this list.]

  1. The Recycler. Give him an empty aluminum can, and he gives you a check for 1/10th of a cent, redeemable at your local grocery store or check-cashing establishment. Yes: just like that.
  2. Sentence Fragment. Mostly a loner and often disparaged by his fellow heroes for “ruining a good time” and “not just letting us freaking talk,” Sentence Fragment is the undisputed master of all things grammatical, and feels compelled to let you know it. Don’t try to use a run-on around this guy, he not only recognizes the violation, he can quote the rule verse and chapter. Most heroes don’t like to hang out with him for more than a few minutes at a time, but he can always be found lurking on message boards and the comment sections of popular blogs, hoping to be of assistance when he can.
  3. Half-Caff. Ever have a drink that is supposed to be caffeine free, but you had your doubts? Half-Caff is able to discern, after only one sip, the actual caffeine content (in milligrams) of your beverage. He is often found hanging around with his sidekicks, Is This Really Diet? and How Many Calories Would You Say This Has? due to the similarities in their powers of food-content analysis.
  4. Mailbox. Most of the time, Mailbox is not particularly useful. But every once in a while, on a lazy day at home, he can help you discern whether the mail has been delivered yet or not, without leaving the safety of your couch! No more embarrassing, empty-handed walks back from the mailbox for you–and, what’s more, no more of those uncomfortable times when the mailman is at the mailbox right when you go out to get the mail, forcing you to make small talk as if you care about his or her life.
  5. Green Light. Anywhere he goes, any time of day, Green Light gets green lights. This ability to always keep traffic moving in his favor has proved useful for other, more important super heroes on occasion and landed Green Light with several cameo appearances on television shows featuring those other, more important super heroes. This led to some notoriety in the late 1970s, and a few corporate sponsorships by tire and motor oil companies. Eventually, however, Green Light grew tired of his D-List status, always having to be the driver, and became disillusioned with fame and all its trappings. When last seen, Green Light was living a simple life, eschewing automobiles, and preferring instead to walk wherever he went. He still gets green lights at crossing signals, though.

  6. Photocopier Jam Guy. Not to be confused with Photocopier Jam Fix-It Guy or Toner Guy, stands by photocopiers and warns photocopiers of the impending jamming of the photocopier. That’s right–on a page-by-page basis, Photocopier Jam Guy can predict with 100% accuracy when a sheet of paper will cause a jam. However, he cannot, despite popular misconception, stop the jam from happening, or fix it after it occurs.
  7. The Spinstress. No matter how late she arrives at the gym, you will never catch The Spinstress without a bike at spin class. Her superability ensures that she is always part of the class, front and center, her signature threadbare Pearl Izumi spandex shorts bouncing always too closely to your face.
  8. Communal Refrigerator Salad Dressing Theft Detector. Though her powers are usually limited to detecting, at a glance, the identity of the person in your office who stole your salad dressing, her capabilities have mutated in recent months to include the identity of soft drink thieves and the person who finished all the coffee but didn’t make another pot. Together with her twin brother, Empty Toilet Paper Roll Investigator, Communal Refrigerator Salad Dressing Theft Detector serves as one half of a crack office fairness enforcement squad with jurisdiction over various high rises downtown.

Check out these list lovers:

  1. ABDPBT Personal Finance
  2. Kerry at Clue Wagon
  3. Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice as Good
  4. Eliz at Tink’s Mom Dot Com
  5. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

{ 7 comments }

Kerry April 27, 2009 at 5:27 am

#8 is a HUGE pain in the ass to HR people. She’s constantly wanting us to fire people or write them up or something, and barring that, she’s putting up notes on the fridge, in ALL CAPS, with “your” instead of “you’re.” Then #2 comes along and corrects the note with a Sharpie, and #8 comes back to HR to complain about the corrections. Then the whole thing ends up on http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com.

My list is up.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) April 27, 2009 at 7:11 am

I am often foiled by Empty Peanut Butter Jar Man. Downright evil.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..if by ‘a wing and a prayer’ you mean ‘they’re lucky they’ve made it this long’ then you’re absolutely right

Elizabeth April 27, 2009 at 10:11 am

And I, I am forever battling The Open Cabinet-ator, who gives concussions in a single bound, what with cabinet knobs striking unsuspecting victims smack on the forehead and all. His worst enemy is Looky-Loo Laundress, who never fails to check for ballpoint pens in pants pockets. Not-at-all-funny list up.

Elizabeth´s last blog post..Weekend Redux 2

The Lawyer Mom April 27, 2009 at 7:32 pm

And prescient meter maids! I stalk them, follow them into convenience stores, copy their lottery numbers down and submit them as my own.

The Lawyer Mom´s last blog post..Who Knew?

eliz April 27, 2009 at 7:44 pm

This is a fantastic list. It’s all superheroes at our house these days, but none have superpowers as practical as these. I traveled nearly cross-country with a 3-year-old and lived to tell – does that make me a superhero?

My list is up.

Ginger April 27, 2009 at 8:23 pm

Not only is your list genius, the other comments are pretty much cracking me up. I’m not clever enough today to compete with this crowd, but I sure appreciate the giggles!

My list is up.

Ginger´s last blog post..I hate being dumb

thephotocopier April 28, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Top marks for the Photocopier Jam Guy, Photocopier Jam Fix-It Guy and Toner Guy!

I added them to my Twitter!

http://twitter.com/thephotocopier

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