12 Ways Upstart Somali Pirates Are Ruining Everything

by anna on April 13, 2009

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  1. “Avast me hearties!” is no longer a refreshingly droll way of announcing your arrival at cocktail parties.
  2. Wait–pirates? Seriously?!
  3. International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day will have to be postponed indefinitely. Or else replaced by organized bouts of ululation and machine gunfire. Which, you know–eh.
  4. Forrest Whitaker as head pirate warlord via Idi Amin not nearly as amiably comic as Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow via Keith Richards.
  5. “Pirates of the Somalian Coast” will not probably work as a family-friendly amusement park attraction. Also: AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades will not test as well with latency period kids as do plastic scabbards and underfed stray dogs with key rings in their mouths.
  6. Seriously, Africa? Can we talk?
  7. Jerry Bruckheimer, in search of a politically correct replacement for his signature cash cow movie franchise, will be left with the Peoplemovers as the inspiration of his next trilogy of full-length summer blockbusters.
  8. People are slowly realizing that the surly-but-lovable popular cultural construction of the eighteenth-century pirate as a wacky, ill-tempered but ultimately harmless seafaring curmudgeon is a bald-faced lie perpetrated on the public in equal parts by alcohol distributors, the Carribbean Islands, and The Walt Disney Company.
  9. Shortly after this realization, it dawns on the public that pirates really are just murderous thieves on the high seas, regardless of whether or not they have scurvy and missing appendages replaced with spare shipyard parts.
  10. Daily rations of khat and rice do not lend themselves to sea shanties nearly so well as do pints of rum and prophylactic limes.
  11. Pirates, pirates, everywhere, nary a puffy shirt or flamboyant hat to be found.
  12. In order to reestablish cultural currency, Captain Morgan Rum will have to change their logo to a warlord resting his boot on a container of food relief rations, which is probably more political than frat boys want to get.

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{ 7 comments }

eliz April 13, 2009 at 7:39 am

This is funny. How exactly did American pop culture commodify pirates, and why? Last year was all about pirates at my daughter’s school. They dressed up like pirates at least twice (during P week), made countless art projects concerning pirates and was even invited to two pirate parties. The whole time I was wondering why we’re dressing 2- and 3-year-olds like lawless thugs. ARMED lawless thugs!

Now, using pirates to sell coconut-flavored rum? That seems right to me.

My decidedly less thinky list is up.

Elizabeth April 13, 2009 at 8:56 am

My list sucks today. Your list, on the other hand, does not. Damn those Somali pirates for making pirate play uncool.

Elizabeth´s last blog post..7 Reasons Why I Love the Egyptians

Ginger April 13, 2009 at 11:53 am

# 2 has been the refrain of my husband for the past week. He cannot believe that we’re hearing about pirates every day in the “actual” news…

I’m all listed up.

Ginger´s last blog post..6 surprising things about pregnancy

Juliet April 13, 2009 at 2:21 pm

“A pirate!? That’s hardly the image we want for Long John Silver’s!” Thus proving there is a Simpsons line for every circumstance.

Juliet´s last blog post..Sending Some Clover to Sacramento: My Cellphone Ticket

Kerry April 13, 2009 at 2:41 pm

My list is up (although it’s a rerun).

I have never understood the pirate thing. It’s right up there with the mob thing for me. I never saw the Pirates of the Caribbean OR The Sopranos.

Wow, I sound snooty.

Kerry´s last blog post..6 Reasons I Hate the LinkedIn “Recommend” Feature

rebecca April 13, 2009 at 6:27 pm

I think this is how:

http://www.nps.gov/revwar/about_the_revolution/privateers.html

It’s pirates when it’s them. We’re more the privateer sort.

rebecca´s last blog post..All Well and Good

blissfully caffeinated April 23, 2009 at 11:21 am

Number 8. My God, number 8. I am dying laughing.

blissfully caffeinated´s last blog post..“And then she was like ‘no way,’ and I was like, ‘way,’ and then she was like ‘for real?’ and I was like ‘totally.’”

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