- “App” instead of “Application.” Yeah yeah, I know everyone’s so into their iPhones, and part of it has to do with all the neat little “apps” you can get to make your life easier. But come on dudes, since when is a program called an “app”? I am well aware that there’s an app for this, and that there’s an app for that–but you know what I want an app for? Calling you a douchebag for going along with Apple’s involuntary marketing plan whereby whole sections of the English language are shortened into smaller words that (coincidentally) start with the letters “A-P-P” or “M-A-C.” Are we just not suspicious of this because it’s Apple or something? What if Blackberry went around asking you to call things “berries?” “Trying to find a restaurant? Hey, there’s a berry for that!” Or, worse–Microsoft? “Want to get directions? There’s a soft for that!” Wait.
- “Fo’ sho’” instead of “For sure.” Maybe there was a time when it was cool to say this, but I missed it. Because it seems to me that you have to say it ironically now, and even then it misses the mark. You know how sometimes something is lame, and then it gets lamer, and eventually it is so lame that it goes back around the other side of lame to become cool again? Like the movie, You’ve Been Served? K, well this saying has lapped lame fifteen times and it still isn’t cool again. For sure.
- Anything you got from I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER.COM. This includes the greeting, “Oh, Hai,” any deliberately incorrect usage of the English language that begins with “I can has” or “I has,” the popular misspelling “moar” and, yes, the standard salutation, “kthanxbai .” Isn’t it enough that this absurd website is so successful, must we add insult to injury by popularizing its neanderthal language? Please, join me in my effort to forget this unfortunate piece of internet history.
- “Pwn” instead of . . . fuck, I don’t even know what it’s an abbreviation for–”own”? First of all, if you use this term, then we know that you’re a geek. In fact, if you use this term, you’re not only a geek, but you’re geeky enough to know what it means. I am pretty nerdy and even I am unclear on its original meaning. I think it has something to do with programming and when a function is at the top of the list, like everything else defaults to it. But then I also think it involves a typo for this, like somebody typed “pwns” instead of “owns.” Do you see the problem? People are getting lost in my explanation of how lame this is. Its lameness is too technical for the average user.
- “Woot.” In the same vein as “pwn,” woot is an expression that is also overused online. I happen to know that this one stands for “we own the other team.” I have repressed the memory of how I learned this, but I’m stuck with it anyway. Look, I shouldn’t have to tell you that this is stupid. You own the other team, do you? And this “team” of which you speak, does it involve things like like balls, baskets, scoreboards? No, of course not. Do you think you’d ever see LeBron or Kobe high five somebody and say “WOOT!” No, the people who use the term “woot” are not likely to have stepped on a basketball court even one time in their lives. So, yeah, cool: if you want to be associated with motherboards and role-playing games, then, OK, but other than a bunch of extra CPUs, let’s face it–you own nothing.
- Green. I am so over this green thing. Enough already. Just because something is green does not mean it’s good for the environment, or something we want. Take the Celtics. Or mold.
- The expression, “I am so over . . .” Yeah, so I’m guilty of using this one, doesn’t make it any less douchey. Ask yourself: “Does anyone care what I am over or not over?” “Is this a love affair?” “Is what I’m discussing of such importance that it is well-compared to the perils of romance, infatuation, heartbreak?” “Do I want to sound like Heidi Montag?” &c.
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