- Rattlesnake Fields. In the Rattlesnake Fields, an inticing array of safe, cutting-edge, toddler-targeted toys and other distractions are placed alongside an aquarium full of angry rattlesnakes. The toys include such toddler favorites as Thomas the Tank Engine, Duplo blocks from Lego, and an assortment of stuffed animals and toy cars and trucks. The “other” distractions include things like cookies, cheesy poofs, and big hunks of cheese. After surveying all of the offerings of Rattlesnake Fields, toddlers are invited to choose which items they would most like to play with. Medics are on call with venom antidote during regular park hours.
- The Great Food Smear. This attraction consists of a jumbo-sized leather ottoman and several large vats of macaroni and cheese, barrels filled with chicken nuggets, and lots and lots of organic whole milk. Whichever toddler covers the largest section of leather ottoman with the thickest coat of crusty food spackle wins. The competition is judged by a team of Moms armed with leather cleaning wipes and burp cloths who are charged with removing the spackle without harming the ottoman. The Moms are frequently subbed out because this attraction seems to be trying on their psyches for some reason.
- Giant Train Pointer. This attraction consists of giant antique trains arranged in some kind of park-like atmosphere. Participants view the trains and point at them. Occasionally, they will say something like, “Oh!” or “Yay!” or even, “It’s a tane!” That’s pretty much it.
- Open Oven Door Hopscotch. Hopscotch is way more fun when the ten square is located right next to a blazing hot oven door! Watch your toddler dodge broiler pans and open flames while trying to pick up his or her rock from their square.
- Emergency Room! Sponsored by Mini Oreo™. In this exciting and nail-bightingly realistic attraction, toddlers congregate in a simulated emergency room and are encouraged to eat as many Mini Oreos™ as they are able to before either throwing up or passing out from a glycogen shortage to the brain! After one of the above happens, the toddlers are treated by simulated ER doctors and encouraged to play with stethoscopes and wooden tongue depressors.
- Happy Jumper. This attraction can only accommodate one toddler at a time, and consists of one parent who lifts the jumping toddler high into the area as if to make him believe that he has the jumping capability of, say, a jaguar. This is repeated indefinitely, or until the parent’s back goes out.
- Covet Thy Neighbor’s Mass Market Character Themed Merchandise. This is a delightful game in which one toddler has a toy with an easily recognizable character on it, such as Thomas the Tank Engine (though Elmo or Bob the Builder would work equally well). That child (who owns the toy) leaves the toy in a highly visible place, such as in the middle of our simulated public playground, where many other toddlers will see it. Once a sufficient number of toddlers have seen the item and decided that they want it–nay, that they must have it, and have it NOW–the child who owns the toy must come and take it away, saying something like, “is Malcom’s ball” in consolation to the upset toddlers. This statement can be bolstered by the presence of an overly protective parent, who will inevitably state that all of the other toddlers would totally be able to play with the toy in question, if only they weren’t leaving, right that second. And maybe next time.
- Construction site. At the Construction Site, toddlers gather outside of a chain-link fence to watch bulldozers and other standard construction equipment lifting dirt and moving it to different places. Occasionally, a crane will be featured as part of a special attraction. That’s pretty much it.
- Wall Socket Hullabaloo. This attraction invites your toddler to delve into the wonderful world of electricity by rooting around inside an oversized wall socket. Toddlers will have great fun in their attempts to retrieve lost items from the socket using old coins, butter knives, and other assorted metal castaways they can find around the exhibit. The openings on both sides are big enough to fit not merely a finger, but an entire arm, and the third plug is the perfect size for the heads of toddlers in the 75th percentile. Happy hunting, kids!
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