9 Theme Park Attractions Designed By Toddlers

by anna on January 12, 2009

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  1. Rattlesnake Fields. In the Rattlesnake Fields, an inticing array of safe, cutting-edge, toddler-targeted toys and other distractions are placed alongside an aquarium full of angry rattlesnakes. The toys include such toddler favorites as Thomas the Tank Engine, Duplo blocks from Lego, and an assortment of stuffed animals and toy cars and trucks. The “other” distractions include things like cookies, cheesy poofs, and big hunks of cheese. After surveying all of the offerings of Rattlesnake Fields, toddlers are invited to choose which items they would most like to play with. Medics are on call with venom antidote during regular park hours.
  2. The Great Food Smear. This attraction consists of a jumbo-sized leather ottoman and several large vats of macaroni and cheese, barrels filled with chicken nuggets, and lots and lots of organic whole milk. Whichever toddler covers the largest section of leather ottoman with the thickest coat of crusty food spackle wins. The competition is judged by a team of Moms armed with leather cleaning wipes and burp cloths who are charged with removing the spackle without harming the ottoman. The Moms are frequently subbed out because this attraction seems to be trying on their psyches for some reason.
  3. Giant Train Pointer. This attraction consists of giant antique trains arranged in some kind of park-like atmosphere. Participants view the trains and point at them. Occasionally, they will say something like, “Oh!” or “Yay!” or even, “It’s a tane!” That’s pretty much it.
  4. Open Oven Door Hopscotch. Hopscotch is way more fun when the ten square is located right next to a blazing hot oven door! Watch your toddler dodge broiler pans and open flames while trying to pick up his or her rock from their square.
  5. Emergency Room! Sponsored by Mini Oreo™. In this exciting and nail-bightingly realistic attraction, toddlers congregate in a simulated emergency room and are encouraged to eat as many Mini Oreos™ as they are able to before either throwing up or passing out from a glycogen shortage to the brain! After one of the above happens, the toddlers are treated by simulated ER doctors and encouraged to play with stethoscopes and wooden tongue depressors.
  6. Happy Jumper. This attraction can only accommodate one toddler at a time, and consists of one parent who lifts the jumping toddler high into the area as if to make him believe that he has the jumping capability of, say, a jaguar. This is repeated indefinitely, or until the parent’s back goes out.
  7. Covet Thy Neighbor’s Mass Market Character Themed Merchandise. This is a delightful game in which one toddler has a toy with an easily recognizable character on it, such as Thomas the Tank Engine (though Elmo or Bob the Builder would work equally well). That child (who owns the toy) leaves the toy in a highly visible place, such as in the middle of our simulated public playground, where many other toddlers will see it. Once a sufficient number of toddlers have seen the item and decided that they want it–nay, that they must have it, and have it NOW–the child who owns the toy must come and take it away, saying something like, “is Malcom’s ball” in consolation to the upset toddlers. This statement can be bolstered by the presence of an overly protective parent, who will inevitably state that all of the other toddlers would totally be able to play with the toy in question, if only they weren’t leaving, right that second. And maybe next time.
  8. Construction site. At the Construction Site, toddlers gather outside of a chain-link fence to watch bulldozers and other standard construction equipment lifting dirt and moving it to different places. Occasionally, a crane will be featured as part of a special attraction. That’s pretty much it.
  9. Wall Socket Hullabaloo. This attraction invites your toddler to delve into the wonderful world of electricity by rooting around inside an oversized wall socket. Toddlers will have great fun in their attempts to retrieve lost items from the socket using old coins, butter knives, and other assorted metal castaways they can find around the exhibit. The openings on both sides are big enough to fit not merely a finger, but an entire arm, and the third plug is the perfect size for the heads of toddlers in the 75th percentile. Happy hunting, kids!

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Check out these list lovers:

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  6. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

{ 14 comments }

Ginny Marie January 12, 2009 at 7:25 am

My toddler plays Open Oven Door Hopscotch frequently! And Construction Site still enthralls my four year old. See my list for more fun(?) facts about my preschooler. I’d write more, but said toddler wants breakfast.

Ginny Marie´s last blog post..Five Things About My Preschooler I Dearly Miss

anna January 12, 2009 at 8:41 am

@ginny marie, you’re all linked up!

Kerry January 12, 2009 at 8:49 am

My list is up, but the button thingy is not looking like it should. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong there.

We are all about #8 around here. They are doing some construction right next to our local McDonald’s, so it’s like kid nirvana…Happy Meals AND construction equipment.

Alexis January 12, 2009 at 9:19 am

Around here we prefer #2 and #9….who knew those light socket covers could be removed so easily by a 21 month old while I need a screwdriver every time!

PS My list is up, educational one this week!

Alexis´s last blog post..Pillowcase How To

anna January 12, 2009 at 9:22 am

@Kerry, you’re linked up. BTW, I left a comment on your blog, but if you want the list button to show up, you have to post the code in the html section, not the visual section on your dashboard.

@Alexis, you’re linked up.

Kerry January 12, 2009 at 10:21 am

I’m not sure I fixed my button the right way, but it’s showing now. I’m celebrating by eating the broken cookie remnants from the bottom of the cookie jar.

anna January 12, 2009 at 11:27 am

Yay! I’ll eat banana chips, then.

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) January 12, 2009 at 2:40 pm

The construction site attraction damn near made us late for school last week when the sight of a crane lifting wooden beams in the sky provoked a dazed moment en route to the bus. Also, never answer “Soon,” when asked when a large building will be done. It’s never soon, and you’ll be saying that far too much.

As usual, I’m in love with this list!

foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..if he brings home a whiny teenage girl and tells me he’s in love, i’ll know for sure he’s accepted the curse

anna January 12, 2009 at 2:49 pm

lol

little boys are so easily amused.

Wait.

Maybe not just little boys, actually.

J. January 12, 2009 at 4:36 pm

That’s funny shit. I have a very, very clear memory from when I was two or three, of the time someone left the cover off the electrical outlet behind the couch. That, and Charlie the gerbil biting me on the nose. Fun stuff!

J.´s last blog post..Feeling Strangely Fine

PauvrePlume January 12, 2009 at 4:41 pm

I’m more than a little afraid to see how my new baby niece and nephew imagine their homeland-amusement park…

Still, though, creativity rules.
:)

I’ve set up my celebrity-infused list (in light of the Globes last night)!

Ginger January 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm

My grandparents had train tracks at the back of their property (on the other side of a giant concrete wall). I think watching the trains that came by every few hours was a default entertainment agenda item for me and all my cousins growing up.

I’m all listed up.

Ginger´s last blog post..Things that are happy and jolly and make me smile

jenni January 13, 2009 at 9:51 am

haha, anna, love it! Oscar’s favorite game these days is walking directly in front of me and stopping short. it’s awesome.

jenni´s last blog post..Birth Story – Miles William, Part Three

anna January 13, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Yeah, that’s a fantastic game. I hope Mini learns that one soon.

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