The Bad Poop: A One-Act Play

by anna on January 8, 2009

CHARACTERS
MR. RIGHT-CLICK
MINI
ANNA
ILL-TEMPERED CAT
PERFECT CAT

[An average home in Southern California. ANNA sits in master bedroom, which is furnished in the style of the middle-century modern renaissance. ILL-TEMPERED CAT smacks PERFECT CAT on face for no clear reason. Off stage, voices of MR. RIGHT-CLICK and MINI can be heard negotiating a potential diaper change.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Come on, Mini, it’s this way.

[Off-stage, MINI tries to run down stairs.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: No, this way.
MINI: Why?
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: You crapped your pants, dude.
MINI: Oh.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Yeah, you can bring your label maker.
MINI: This.

[Time passes. MINI runs into room to ANNA.]

MINI: Mah!
ANNA: Hey, buddy.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: [off stage] That was like a ten out of ten.
ANNA: Really?
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Oh yeah.

[MR. RIGHT-CLICK goes into bathroom. Sound of water running. MINI plays with label maker. ANNA dicks around on the computer. MR. RIGHT-CLICK returns to master bedroom.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: You can judge how bad a poop situation is by, if you find yourself washing your hands all the way up to your elbow, it’s not good.
ANNA: Right.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Other things you might notice–more than 16 wipes–that’s bad.
ANNA: That many, huh?
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Also, if the poop has not only filled up the usual spaces, and started to crawl up his spinal area.

[Rustling is heard as ILL-TEMPERED CAT chases PERFECT CAT offstage.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Also, if you pull the pants down, and you can already see poo, before you even take off the diaper–AND YOU KNOW this is TRUE–
ANNA: Uh huh.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: And, I don’t know if this is funny, but it’s still true–

[Pause. She waits for the description.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: When Mini’s looking at you, and he’s got a look on his face like, “Sorry, nothing I can do, man. Why’d you feed me two hot dogs for lunch?”

[Blackout.]

{ 9 comments }

Kerry January 8, 2009 at 8:42 am

It is nice to know we are not the only people who have conversations like that.

anna January 8, 2009 at 10:31 am

I just got a phone call in which Mr. Right-Click claimed that “there were actual portions of his bowel in that diaper last night.”

J. January 8, 2009 at 5:25 pm

And when will this little gem be making the rounds of the dinner theatre circuit?

J.´s last blog post..Text Messaging and The State of My Relationship

anna January 8, 2009 at 5:45 pm

yum!

Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children January 9, 2009 at 7:54 am

I wish I could say that I have less shitty discussions with my husband.

Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children´s last blog post..The bird feeder

jenni January 9, 2009 at 12:27 pm

hahaha, I so know that look.

goodfather January 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Heheh, loved the washing hands up to the elbows. That’s every day around here.

goodfather´s last blog post..Spin Cycle: Guilty as charged

Ryan January 9, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Anything over like 8 wipes warrants being thrown into the tub. I feel like hotdogs now. Despite the reference to a sour stomach. wow I’m gross.

Ryan´s last blog post..Tit for Tag

anna January 9, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Oh yeah, a sixteen wiper post bath was a bad situation. There are some mornings where we just take him out of his pajamas and throw him right into the tub, it’s so bad.

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