Dear Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn:
Dare I say it? Yes, I must: I love you. And no, I don’t see how it could possibly be a secret anymore, given my multiple trips to Trader Joe’s a each week, in which I purchase at least a few bags of you at a time, along with packages of fresh sliced mango and Pasadena salads. And whilst I wait for my checker to finish studiously stuffing you into those generously double-bagged brown monstrosities, I am dreaming of the time when I will be free to chauffeur you back to my domicile for our sweet (and salty) embrace. But even if you already know, I think it’s best I come clean, to your face, about the nature and extent of my love, something that keeps me from eating a regular lunch, on occasion, in favor of wolfing down yet another several cups of you. Oh, there are times when I forgo substantial fare in order to rip open your pink and white striped bags, even when I know this might make me wake up in the middle of the night, parched, and with a dehydration headache! Yes! I said it! You have high sodium, my sweet–and it is lucky for us that my blood pressure is so low, for now we can continue our affair unsullied by any after effects minus the need to drink extra water. Others are not so lucky! They eat you in secret and long for the day that a Diovan prescription might make their love mainstream and acceptable. But let us not dwell on the negatives, let us revel in the glory of open, unobstructed passion! My name is Anna, and I love Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn!