This post will undoubtedly infuriate FADKOG, but I cannot get this goddamn Beyoncé song out of my head after all these spinning classes I’ve been taking lately. So, SUX2BU, FADKOG. If you don’t like it, then you shoulda put a lid on it.
- Put a ring on it. Or so I hear.
- Not put a wig on it.
- Put some clothes on it. Sorry. It had to be said.
- Gave it fresh water every morning and cleaned out its litter box regularly.
- Tivo’d it.
- Stop referring to “it” as “it,” whatever “it” is, particularly if it is yourself, as I suspect it is.
- Because by saying that “it” needs a ring, you are implying that “it” is human and/or a part of the anatomy.
- And while “it” could be, simply, a finger–as in: “If you liked [my finger] then you shoulda put a ring on [my finger]–I’m guessing “it” is not simply a finger, but rather something a little more, uh, in need of a third person non-gendered subjective pronoun to denote . . . it.
- Really, the mind reels, Beyonce, don’t you have a ring on your finger right now? Recently placed there? By Jay-Z? Did you write this song for Jay-Z? Did you say to Jay-Z, “If you liked [my finger] then you shoulda put a ring on [my finger]? How did he react to that statement?
- Bought it a necklace with a half-heart shaped pendant that said “BE FRI” or “ST ENDS
- Sent it a Christmas card, at least.
- Bought it dinner.
- Called the next day.
- Put a note on it that said, “Property of Beyoncé. Do not eat.”
- Wrote a song for it.
- Brought it flowers.
- Took it to a nice restaurant on Valentine’s Day. And maybe gave it some chocolates.
- Put it in a plastic cover so that it didn’t get fingerprints all over it.
- Had it laminated.
- Added it to your Technorati Favorites.
- Brushed it at least twice a day, and after meals.
- Put it on your Amazon Wish List.
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