I’ve interviewed big stars before. Take Sarah Palin, for example. Of course that didn’t exactly happen, and she’s not really a big star. But still. In theory I have. And I’m sure that interviewing the big stars would be nothing like the opportunity I had this morning to talk to the latest it-Bear so soon after his return from his scandalous stint in the rehab dryout center known as the Tromm Steam Washer.
ABDPBT was lucky enough to secure an exclusive interview with Bruin Bear, the hottest A-list teddy bear in the Right-Click household, through sheer cunning and good, old-fashioned luck. Seriously, Bruin Bear is so hot right now. He’s so so hot right now, in fact, that in order to get this interview, free for just a few seconds from his “handler,” I had to sneak him away while said handler was otherwise occupied with watching Madagascar for the eighteen thousandth time. And even then, my time with Bruin Bear was dicey and likely to be interrupted by wails and whining for “Bruh! Is Bruh? IS BRUH, MA?!” and/or flying sippy cups.
I was able to steal Bruin Bear away from his morning shower of cheesy poofs and cinnamon toast as long as I agreed to bring along his consort, Lamby-Lamb, a veritable stuffed animal star in her own right. In the safety of my office, far from the prying telephoto lenses of the paparazzi and the disgusting fallout from a toddler-eating-eggs-and-cheese whilst holding a teddy bear, I got the chance to really get to know Bruin Bear for the man that he is. Err, bear.
ABDPBT : What first interested you in the role of “coveted stuffed animal to toddler”?
BRUIN BEAR: Well, again, the coveted part is really secondary to me, because the role is what it is, you cannot count on the whole “being the favorite” thing. Toddlers are a weird bunch–hey, don’t print that, hah. But seriously, one day you’re just sitting in the bookcase, twiddling your thumbs, thinking you’re never going to make it. And then the next–
ABDPBT : . . . and the next you’re so much the favorite that you cannot even stay clean for ten minutes, or get some time off when, say, the kid goes to the park or somewhere that you could get lost?
BRUIN BEAR: Hah! Yeah, well, I’m so grateful to have been noticed, you know. And, yeah, sometimes it’s risky. Sometimes you’re out at the park and there are kids running around everywhere, and they’re eyeing you, like, hey–I like that bear, too! But at the end of the day, the risk is worth it. The hours are worth it. Just to be the One. To be on top.
ABDPBT : What do you think would happen, if you were to get lost? Or stolen?
BRUIN BEAR: Yeah, I don’t like to think about that, hah! I like to keep it positive, because I believe in the power of positive thinking. I believe that what you focus on grows, and I don’t have time for that kind of negativity in my life.
ABDPBT : Would you consider yourself a spiritual
BRUIN BEAR: Well, I’ve never been one for organized religion, but yeah I have some interest in spirituality. I’ve been learning a lot more about it.
ABDPBT : Would you say that this burgeoning interest in spirituality is the influence of your girlfriend, Lamby Lamb, and her known adherence to Scientology?
BRUIN BEAR: Well, there’s no question that Lamby is my girl, yeah. And so I like to learn about what she is interested in. But yeah, I’m still checking the whole Scientology thing out.
ABDPBT : I see you’ve brought Lamby with you today. Do you guys spend a lot of time together?
BRUIN BEAR: Well, she’s my girl, like I said. And she’s really special to me.
ABDPBT : Getting back to your work–you say you enjoy being on top, but we have to bring it up–you recently got out of the Tromm Steam Washer rehab center. Do you think the insane hours you work, and your complete commitment to the craft, has played a role in your need to dry out?
BRUIN BEAR: Well, like I said, I don’t like to dwell on the negativity, it’s all part of the journey. The cheese sauce on my head, the pilling of my fur from machine washing–I look at them like a map to my life’s story. And yeah, it’s a sacrifice. But I feel I was put here to do it.
ABDPBT : Well, I see your handler is here, so it’s time to go. But one more question? You’re a polar bear, right? How did you get the strange name “Bruin Bear,” when the UCLA Bruins are usually represnted by the California Golden Bear?
BRUIN BEAR: Yeah, well, back when I started out, I was wearing a shirt that said, “Cuddle Up With Someone From UCLA.” So I guess wherever I came from, they thought a white bear was as good as any other kind of bear. Life’s weird, eh?