Thanksfornotparticipating 2008

by anna on December 2, 2008

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The Right-Click family did not participate in the formal goings-on of Thanksgiving this year. And let me tell you: it was totally bitchen.

I’ve never been a big fan of Thanksgiving. I suppose the abstract concept of giving thanks for shit is nice, but here’s a couple problems I have with it: isn’t it a celebration of that short period of time after the pilgrims landed, when they were too sick to start persecuting the Native Americans? So they decided to just eat their food instead? Or something? Are we celebrating the fact that not everybody was dead yet, or the fact that some of the earlier settlers had enough self-control as to not kill their Native American hosts until after all of the pumpkin pie was eaten?

Which brings me to pie. Dude, pumpkin is a squash. You can put all the sugar you want on it, and it’s still a big round vegetable filled with slimy stuff and seeds, mmkay? The reason that the pilgims ate it was because they were stuck in BFE rural Massachusetts, during the late fall/early winter, without a global economy and its concomitant year-round produce. Everything else was pretty much dead. Don’t you think that if there were apples or blueberries–I don’t know, chocolate cake–to be had, they’d have eaten that instead? I mean, who puts sugar on squash for any other reason than to hide the fact that *they are eating squash*? The good news is, we don’t have to eat squash pie anymore! And don’t get me started on the mincemeat!

It’s easy for me to be flippant about Thanksgiving because I have never “gotten” the fascination with the food. Turkey is OK, I don’t mind it. But I don’t get excited about it or anything. Mashed potatoes–eh. I’d rather have french fries, frankly. Or even potato chips. Even Baked Lays, in fact.

So, thusfar, the Thanksgiving meal can be done more quickly and easily at Subway, in my mind.

The kicker is stuffing. Some people look forward to this stuffing shit all year long and I just do not get it. Do you know what’s in that stuff? It’s bread, seasoning, giblets (shudder), maybe some nuts or fruit thrown in. Oh yeah, and then there’s the special ingredient: TURKEY HOO-HOO JUICE. Oh yeah. That’s where they cook it, dude. Don’t let them tell you any different. That’s why it’s called “stuffing.” You know, because it’s used to fill up the gaping void in the middle of the turkey carcass, where the turkey’s ovaries used to be. I spent my formative years watching my mom stuff that crap into the turkey’s vajayjay and later saying, “Not for me, thanks,” when the stuffing was passed around for this very reason.

Now, sweet potatoes can be good, again, if they’re covered in sugar of some kind. But why not just, oh I don’t know, NOT EAT THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? As an adult, I like to use this general rule for eating: anything that requires the addition of a layer of roasted marshmallows just so that it is edible is best left on the table. You’re not doing yourself any favors by eating the sweet potatoes, just eat a bag of marshmallows instead, and then at least you won’t feel sick and tired afterward.

This year was a strange confluence of atypical events–parents away at other destinations for Thanksgiving with friends, brother and other relatives across the country, Mini too young to know what the hell is going on. It was a perfect storm of excuses to flake, and we jumped on it. We dove into our four-day weekend free from holiday obligations with the kind of fervor that can only come from knowing it might not ever happen again–next year, Mini might want to try that damn pumpkin pie, even if I tell him what’s in it. So this year, I devoured my spicy tuna salad in peace. And gave thanks for the time off.

{ 13 comments }

goodfather December 2, 2008 at 8:31 am

Nice! I love your anti-Thanksgiving! We had a similar non-event, in that we chose not to visit my sister for Thanksgiving, which broke a twenty year tradition. We did have turkey, but no vajayjay bread for us either. Or squash of any variety. :D

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MommyNamedApril December 2, 2008 at 9:13 am

that’s just fine. more turkey and pie for ME.
nom nom nom.

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Amy December 2, 2008 at 11:43 am

I love squash & all things squash related. And mashed potatoes are second only to hash browns. Also I love sweet potatoes, but not with marshmallows. I love Thanksgiving & thanksgiving food – and although the origins of the holiday are morally problematic, I think the intent (as long as you’re not dressing up like pilgrims & Indians, which I totally had to do as a child) is nice. Also, I don’t spend it with my family, which makes me BEYOND thankful. :)

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anna December 2, 2008 at 11:49 am

Aww, come on, you pollyannas! :)

KerrySS December 2, 2008 at 11:52 am

I am not sure I can continue to read your blog. I was shocked when I read your views on pumpkin pie (do you not understand that it is served with Reddi-Whip? And that anything underneath Reddi-Whip is good? And that is is both a vegetable AND a pie, thus giving you a dessert that makes you feel virtuous?). But I cannot abide smack talk about stuffing. That is just over the line.

I’m going to stomp off now and go read Dooce.

[stomp stomp stomp]

anna December 2, 2008 at 12:06 pm

Hey! I heard Dooce doesn’t even like pumpkin pie either. In fact, I stole the idea from her. Wait! Come back!

KerrySS December 2, 2008 at 1:22 pm

[stomp stomp stomp]

Okay, I am back to add that only barbarians and old people still put the stuffing IN the bird. That’s gross, and you can get salmonella or ptomaine or some bad thing like that. You are supposed to make the stuffing in a casserole dish, or on the stove. If you’re really clever, you order the stuffing pre-made from Whole Foods, because their cranberry stuffing is excellent.

And I also want to point out that there is nothing wrong with eating stuffing for breakfast, lunch and dinner until the leftovers are gone. Nothing at all. Just in case you thought there was.

That is all. I’m stomping off again to watch Calliou, because the three-year-old is up from her nap early. I was going to try to read some ProBlogger articles today–guess not.

[stomp stomp stomp]

anna December 2, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Uggh, I hate Caillou. He’s such a whiny bitch. And also, why is he bald? Is he undergoing chemotherapy treatment or something? His little sister has hair.

KerrySS December 2, 2008 at 3:33 pm

I think he’s bald because he’s a total Charlie Brown wannabe. As if.

What I really love about that show is the wardrobe. Like, where the hell did his mom buy that red sweatshirt with the lace collar? And check out the red overalls that the teacher wears, with the big pockets to make her look fatter. WTF?

My kid likes that show so much that she’s started saying certain words with a Canadian accent. I’m trying to turn her on to WordGirl and SuperWhy instead, but the PBS Sprout on Demand doesn’t have either of those. Weenies.

AKD December 2, 2008 at 8:14 pm

The reason to have sweet potatoes is to cook them with bourbon. Anna, you might even be able to have them, because I think the alcohol burns off. Okay, maybe not a good idea. But for everyone else… butter, brown sugar, and bourbon to taste. Maybe some salt and pepper. It’s the BEST!!!

anna December 2, 2008 at 8:27 pm

Blah. Wouldn’t even have liked them when I was drinking. But no, I probably wouldn’t have that–I have some things in restaurants that are probably made with alcohol, but I draw the line at things that are advertised as featuring alcohol, even if it’s burned off. Just a precaution, really.

crazylovescompany December 4, 2008 at 6:59 am

Ok. I was with you until you started bagging the stuffing. Not all stuffing is made with giblets and jammed up the bird’s hoo-hoo or ha-ha or whatever you called it.

I’m sending you some right now. Telepathically.

Souther' Mother December 8, 2008 at 11:46 pm

I never have gotten Thanksgiving. You’re going to see all your family in a month at Christmas anyway, so why burn out now? And it’s all about the food, which is not good, even when it is. Turkey just sucks. I’ll take a ham, or preferably a chateaubriand over that shit any day (speaking of which, I have a recipe for a bourbon tenderloin which is to DIE for) , given a choice in giant slabs of meat. Is there anyone who would name whole roast turkey as his or her favorite meal? The reason we only go through the trouble of roasting a bird once a year is because we don’t want it any other time. Turkey should only be eaten in the form of deli meat.

You definitely did the right thing in

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