Brand Management Crisis?

by anna on September 18, 2008

In my inbox this morning:

from: Chick I. Dunno
to: “anna@abdpbt View definition in a new window.com”
date: Thu, Sep 18, 2008 at 11:21 AM
subject: Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx Recruitment

Hi Anna,

I hope you are having a great week. I am contacting you on behalf of the Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx program as I noticed you are not currently a part of their program but have been successful with other advertisers in their vertical so I think you would be a great fit.

Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx has been experiencing extremely strong growth across all of the divisions of our brand. They are continually featured in nationwide magazines and in editorial pages as an established trendsetter of the newest fashions in lingerie and apparel. They remain one of the top 100 most recognized brands nationwide and they specialize in cutting-edge, unique designs for lingerie, bras, panties, corsets, dresses and tops.

They are currently offering $10 off $75 order and a wide variety of Halloween Costumes.

If you sign up now and respond to this email Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx will extend you a private comission offer for a limited time.

Please let me know if you are interested or if you have any questions before getting started. I think it would also be a great fit for you during 4th quarter and going forward.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Thanks!!
Chick
____________
Chick I. Dunno
False Intimacy Specialist
Adplace.com
120 S. Agency, Suite 265
Whocares, AL 60603
Phone: 877.532.5748
Fax: 877.532.5713
Email: idunno@adplace.com

.
Dear Chick:

Couple things.

First of all, do we know each other? I don’t recall suggesting we be on a first name basis going forward. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to be known as Ms. Dunno, or C.I. Dunno–but frankly, that’s not my problem. Take it up with your parents. By the same token, I really don’t see how it is any of your business if I’m having a good week or not. In the abstract, I suppose it is nice that you–somebody I don’t know–is actively “hoping” that I have a good week, but to be honest it’s a little creepy. What do you care? Why are you thinking about me so much? Don’t you have anything else to do?

You are right–I’m not a part of the Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx program. You know why? Because it’s trashy ho clothing. Last time I checked, I’m not a trashy ho. And I don’t think any of my readers are trashy hos, either–I’ll have to check on this, of course–actually, no, I’m going to go ahead and just say, right now, that none of them are trashy hos and, more importantly, they are not interested in becoming trashy hos any time soon.

Are you calling my readers trashy hos?

Here’s a guess: I don’t think trashy hos spend a lot of time cruising mommy blogs. For one thing, it’s hard to turn a trick with your laptop strapped to your chest. And toddlers tend to turn the johns off. Again, I’m guessing here, because like I said, I’m not a trashy ho. But yeah, when you have to change a bunch of diapers, that probably slows down your bj turnover rate.

And I think we can agree that time is money.

The other thing is–and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if I were looking to market trashy ho clothing on my site, I would at least look for a brand I thought would offer some associative value to me. I mean, Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx isn’t even upscale trashy ho clothing. I mean, it’s not like it’s Agent Provocateur or La Perla. Not that I would probably sell a lot of their trashy ho stuff, either, but I mean I might consider it a bit more. Because you know, a cut on a $500 Italian corset is going to sound a lot more enticing to me than, say, a percentage of sales of crotchless underwear from China. I mean seriously! I’d have to have not just one trashy ho reader, but a whole army of crack whores to catch a profit on that deal.

Anyway, best of luck in your search for trashy ho distributors. And, don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t look forward to hearing from you again.

Sincerely,
Anna

PS: Halloween costumes?!

{ 10 comments }

Amy September 18, 2008 at 3:30 pm

hee. Fxxxx of Hxxxx does have cute bras that fit my giant melons (hmmmm…maybe I am a trashy ho), but I still can’t bring myself to buy them (actually, maybe I am trashy, but not a ho).

I like the way you so well disguised the name of the company. That was inspired.

anna September 18, 2008 at 3:42 pm

[Loudspeaker]

We have a trashy ho cleanup on comment 1. Trashy ho cleanup on comment 1!

[/Loudspeaker]

:)

Mary Anne September 18, 2008 at 4:05 pm

I am such a trashy ho. Darn, now I have to go somewhere else to shop.

Do you know where I can find a crotchless nun outfit for Halloween? Just askin’.

Linds September 18, 2008 at 4:54 pm

LOL! I hope Chick I. Dunno doesn’t stalk you. She seems awfully interested in you…

PauvrePlume September 18, 2008 at 5:30 pm

Yo-Ho-Ho and a bottle of rum:

First: Chick U. Dunno’s gonna be a Chick I. KickintheA if she continues solliciting non-trashy-ho bloggers such as you and me.

Second: I really Really REALLY want to know how Fxxxxxxx’s of Hxxxxxxxx establish trashy ho “trends.” And “trendsetters.” Surveys? Cold-calls? Infiltrating trashy ho dens of VD discontent? If they do, I hope they wear gloves. And non-crotchless undies. On second thought, forget it: I don’t want to know. At all.

Third: I’ve always wanted a corset.

Kaybye.

anna September 18, 2008 at 6:13 pm

LOL

Never thought of that . . . what are these trends, exactly? How did I miss that angle?!

Becca September 18, 2008 at 6:35 pm

LOL!! “Changing diapers lowers your BJ turnover rate.”

katrinajoy September 19, 2008 at 7:38 am

I guess I’m a trashy ho then because the most comfortable pair of undies I ever had came from there, AND they lasted a really long time too.

Jen September 19, 2008 at 9:02 am

Your P.S. was my exact sentiment! It’s like that scene in Mean Girls (yes, I sometimes watch Li Lo films) “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. ” I guess Fxxxxxxx’s is capitalizing on that.

Maybe they think all mom’s want to be trashy ho’s deep down inside. You know, tigers in the bedroom and all that. ;)

anna September 19, 2008 at 9:11 am

Katrina, you are forcing me to rethink my trashy ho classification. The problem is their name . . . sure, they are cleaning up Hxxxxxxxd these days, and everything, but there’s just something about buying your underwear at a store named after what is, basically, hookerville that is distasteful.

Wait, I used to live there. :/

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