I’m going to tell you guys something now that you will never believe: this weekend we went dinosaur hunting. For reals. Oh yeah. And we got there early, so we wouldn’t have to fight the crowds. I was so excited to meet some dinosaurs that I walked all the way from the parking lot, by myself, sans stroller, across the recently trampled and desecrated grass left behind by the disappointed Ohio State fans after their loss to the University of Seventeenth Choice at the Coliseum on Saturday.
While I was very concerned with getting to the dinosaurs as quickly as possible, I did stop to smell the roses, because I know it’s important to gather ye discarded Heineken caps and used wads of gum while ye may. While I was thus occupied, Mommy and Daddy discussed what they would do if one day I were to announce that I wanted to go to USC.
“Well, I would strongly discourage it,” Mommy said.
“Well, yeah–but say he had a basketball scholarship?” Daddy asked.
“So what? If he could get a scholarship to ‘SC, then he could get a scholarship to Stanford,” Mommy again.
“Well, academics would be a bigger deal for that, ” said Daddy.
“Yeah, well, we’re not using the college fund to pay for ‘SC, I’ll tell you that right now.” Mommy again.
“Well, of course not,” Daddy agreed.
All this back and forth put me in the mood of a certain movie set in Philadelphia. Maybe it was all the steps. But all of a sudden I felt like a champion.
Shortly after I climbed the steps, Mommy started patting herself on the back for allowing me to do it without having a panic attack. She claimed that Kate Gosselin–whoever that is–would never have let any of her kids crawl up those steps. Mommy says that her germ paranoia and neat freakery have really eased up since I became a toddler. She still hates it, though, when I put food in my mouth, masticate, spit it out onto the ottoman, and then spread it around, I’ve noticed. But I’m confident we’ll get her to loosen up someday.
Right inside the door, they have a giant T-rex and Triceratops skeleton! Some of the other kids there were scared, but I just walked right up to it.
And shortly thereafter became weary of the whole thing, and headed down the Hall of African Mammals.
I wasn’t scared of the lions, either. Even if they were eating carcasses, I didn’t let it slow me down.
Hey, guys? Can somebody who can read please come over and tell me what these things are?
I dunno, gnus, antelope? Elk? Do they have those in Africa? I don’t have time for this!
Now, elephants–I can get into those. Are you lookin’ at me?
Did you know that Triceratops feed on a strict diet of discarded change and other tax-exempt donations? Oh yeah! I even tried to wrestle a dollar out of one’s mouth, but was too late.
Why is Mommy not more concerned about the proximity of my head to a triceratops’ mouth? At least she was helpful in gathering ideas of the kind of engagement ring I should buy for the teacher at My Gym while we were in the Hall of Gems and Minerals.
Hey, what are you doin’ for dinner?
Huh. I wonder if this is the same polar bear that Sawyer shot on the first season of Lost. Mommy watched that on DVD when I was in her tummy. But you know I could hear everything going on the whole time.
According the the Hall of United States History, our great country was founded on a tradition of electric street cars and horseless carriages.
And not much else.
I like birds as much as the next toddler, but I was a little confused by the inclusion of this in the aviary exhibit:
I asked Mommy why the monkey would want to choose the birds’ claws as a place for a nap. And why was his back so limp like that? Did he just have some shiatsu or something? And then she said, “Time to go!”
I dunno, we didn’t see as many dinosaurs as I thought we would, but I still had a good time. I love animals! And I have lots of dinosaurs at home, anyway.