My mother forwarded me an email yesterday from a group soliciting responses to be posted on a blog called Women Against Sarah Palin. Though I think Sarah Palin is an ignorant bigot fucktard, I must admit that I am hesitant to join a group that calls itself such a reactionary name–what are we against, exactly? Her right to live? The fact that she exists? The ideology for which she stands? Do we aim to get her to change her name? Her politics? Her choice of weaponry? Too many questions.
Tacked onto this email was a list of books that Palin supposedly tried to have banned in Alaska. I have since discovered that this list is bogus, but in the interest of comedy and in direct contradiction to the ideals of responsible journalism, I will now pretend that 1) it is true, 2) I have access to Sarah Palin, and 3) she agreed to be interviewed by me about these books.
Why? Because OH MY CHRISTLORD what a boondoggle! I cannot think of better blog fodder for a commie pinko ex-English Lit academic to sink her teeth into. [rubs hands together]
So, now, in the honor of the first Republican Woman VP Candidate (to be pronounced in the manner of an elder statesman benevolently allowing that there exist “woman candidates,” just as there are “woman doctors,” and “woman lawyers,” but not, as of yet, any “woman indian chiefs,” at least not as far as I know), I now present you with a my interview of Sarah Palin regarding her choice of proposed banned books in Alaska. To review, for any independent counsel that might be reading, this is an interview that definitely did not take place.
ABDPBT : Well, I have to say it’s rather sporting of you to join me today, Governor Palin, given that I called you an ignorant bigot fucktard recently. Can I offer you something to drink?
PALIN: Do you have any Captain Morgan? I’ve heard it’s pretty good.
ABDPBT : I guess you don’t know I’m a recovering alcoholic, Gov. Palin.
PALIN: Oh, my gosh dern, dear. That LA Lifestyle is really not very healthy, you know. I guess you must be one of its many victims, like my daughter, who sees it on TV.
ABDPBT : You do realize that when you say things like that, you are alienating like, say over ten times as many people who live in your entire state. Right?
PALIN: Los Angeles is not the world!
ABDPBT : No, but there are almost ten million of us who live here. That’s just the city. The county has like twice that, and Alaska has a total of just over 600,000 people. And it’s as big as half of the US. You might want to think about expanding your demographic. I don’t think moose can vote.
PALIN: Mmm, mmmm, moose.
ABDPBT : OK, moving on, let’s get to this list of books, because I’m pretty sure I don’t know enough about you to come up with enough political responses that my audience will actually buy as coming from you. I might have more to go on with books.
PALIN: [Adjusting lipstick and pig nose.] Sexist!
ABDPBT : Me?
PALIN: Yes, I read that “lipstick on a pig” comment. You are only saying that because I’m a woman.
ABDPBT : But you are literally wearing a pig nose attached to your face with elastic. What am I supposed to say?
ADBDPBT: OK, like I said, let’s get to the books. I notice some oldies but goodies here, alongside a few headscratchers. Have you read all of these books, Gov. Palin?
PALIN: I have read everything I need to know.
ABDPBT : Really, because just glancing over this list, there are several I haven’t read. And I feel like I have a decent working knowledge of the canon.
PALIN: I thought we weren’t going to discuss the war. They’re using cannons now? Dear lordamercy, these heathens really are straight from three thousand years ago.
ABDPBT : Sigh. Talk to me about Judy Blume’s Blubber. I read this as a child. I cannot imagine what you would have against it–
PALIN: It deals with childhood obesity and we are working to rectify that problem.
ABDPBT : Actually, it is a book about difference, and the chief thrust of the book’s argument is about how it is not okay to make fun of people for being different–whether that difference is in the form of race, gender, religion or–in this case–weight.
PALIN: Maybe if people made fun of fat people more, we wouldn’t have so many of them.
ABDPBT : So, you are advocating that we teach our children to marginalize fat people, and Blubber works against that goal. And this is why you would ban the book?
PALIN: I never banned any books!
ABDPBT : Right, because it’s illegal. We are talking about books you wanted to have banned. You might want to check on these kinds of things, in the event you get elected. Let’s see, next, Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice. Hath not a Jew eyes, Gov. Palin? If you cut him, does he not bleed?
PALIN: Oh he’ll bleed, alright, but he might also lay an egg. Or grow horns.
ABDPBT : And Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange? Is it the violence? I cannot imagine you have a problem with the brainwashing element . . . maybe it’s the glorification of crime?
PALIN: It’s the modernist furniture.
ABDPBT : But, it’s a book. Not the movie.
PALIN: Listen, if I see one more orb pendant lamp or a Le Courbusier chair I’m going to scream.
ABDPBT : OK, it’s hardly a work of great literature, but what’s the problem with Cujo?
PALIN: It’s anti-dog. Anti-dog=anti-wolf=anti-Alaska.
ABDPBT : And Christine is . . .
PALIN: Anti-car. Anti-car=anti-gas=anti-Alaska.
ABDPBT : I see. What about Catch-22? Anti-military? It’s just a satire, you know.
PALIN: Yes, but I always thought Joseph Heller was a one trick pony.
ABDPBT : Touché. But why the Harry Potter series? I love that series! Why wouldn’t you want your children to grow up with it?
PALIN: You mean other than the sinful sorcery?
ABDPBT : But it’s make believe. Like Disney. You people love that shit. Just as long as the mouse goes to church it’s OK, right?
PALIN: Yes, but Dumbledore is gay. Rowling admitted it.
ABDPBT : Ooooooh. What about How to Eat Fried Worms?
PALIN: Pro-gambling. Pro-gambling=pro-Indian=pro-Eskimo=anti-Alaska.
ABDPBT : Weren’t the Eskimos there first? Aren’t they part of Alaska?
PALIN: You know what I mean.
ABDPBT : Of course I do. I want you to spell it out.
PALIN: Too bad.
ABDPBT : OK, just one more title I’d like clarification on–Lord of the Flies?
PALIN: Oh, is that on there?
ABDPBT : Yes!
PALIN: Oh, that’s a mistake.
ABDPBT : So, you agree that it’s a good way to illustrate how fear-mongering can exploit the tendencies of people in groups to obey authority, even when that authority is malicious, and that fear artificially manufactured?
PALIN: I was thinking of it more as a handbook. For myself.
ABDPBT : Yes, maybe it will tell you what a Vice President does.
Click here to see the whole list on a watchdog conservative site that is all up in arms about the whole thing. [snicker]