Kids, I don’t want to scare you, but things aren’t looking good for our friends Jon & Kate, at least not based on the cut of this week’s episode, “Embarrassing and Favorite Moments.” This is a show using mostly old footage, but the new stuff (provided exclusively by Jon and Kate from the Loveseat of Doom) makes it worth watching. First, some administrative questions:
Do they make $60,000 an episode if it’s old stuff spliced together? Or is there some special deal, or percentage that they make–like it’s 4% new, so they make $2,400, or something like that?; Does Juicy Juice have to pay extra for this product placement, or is it just wrapped into the deal they made for new episodes?; and How do the residuals work? Will Alexis make as much for being shown covered in poop this time, as she did for the first season?
More importantly, though, will Jon and Kate be able to figure out the moments that they should find embarrassing all on their own? Or will the producers need to help them?
The episode starts out with Kate telling us (twice) that this episode will contain some of their favorite moments and some of their “[growl] least favorite moments.” Jon tells us that in the beginning it was weird to see themselves on tv, but now that they have filmed “like 60 episodes” it’s very “uh, normal.” So let’s see, running tab–60 episodes at $60,000 a pop, that would be $3.6 million, right? Why are they still doing this? Well, I guess the market is down lately.
When pressed for examples of times that he felt “embarrassed” about something he saw on the show, Kate gently reminds him to discuss situations in which he was embarrassed of himself, rather than situations where he was embarrassed of her. Well, alright, if you want to make it more difficult. Jon has to go back to the first season, in which he asked Kate when she was going to “take the stick out” [of her ass, presumably] because she was, well, being herself. Kate is quick to tell everyone how much
she Jon regrets this:
Kate: “What made you say that?”
Jon: “You.” [Duh!]
Kate:”Well, now that you’re talking about it again, they’re going to air it again.”
–Wow, this is uncomfortable–
Kate: “So now it’s going to be in two episodes, aren’t you HAPPY?”
Jon: “So what? That’s the whole point.”
Really? The whole point is to get you displaying your annoyance with Kate on camera again? No, that can’t be it . . . Oh, I get it! The whole point is to milk another episode ($$$) out of footage that has already been aired.
OK, glad we’re all on the same page again.
Kate reminds Jon that she had to go to WORK that day. Yes, that’s why she had stuck the stick up her ass, Jon, don’t you remember? At this point the producers step in and ask Jon if he regretted the incident right away. Jon says, emphatically, “YES.”
And then smiles like a kid on Christmas morning.
Kate, clearly not happy with Jon’s retelling of the story, tells us that she felt bad for him because he had never said something like that before, and gosh, how unlucky that it was caught on tape–wait, what is going on with Jon’s face? Is that a tick? And what did he mumble there? It looks like “horrible,” but it could be “horror,” or, more likely, “whore. . . .” Let’s rewind that.
Kate: “There’s a nicer way to say things.”
Jon: [blank look]
Kate: “If you’re being mature, and not immature.”
Jon: [blank look, finger tap, lip bite]
Kate: “Like, not sitting there, giggling, like you’re doing now.”
Jon: [Is Pennsylvania a no-fault state? I'm not sure.]
Kate: “There’s a nicer way to say things.”
Jon: [The kids are four now. How much longer can this gravy train last?]
Kate: “You could have said, in a very mature, husbandly way, ‘Kate, what are you so bothered about?”
Jon: [Maybe I should start skimming off the top, and open up a safety deposit box or something.]
Kate: blah blah blah, stressed, blah blah, blah
Jon: [I don't want to carve up the interest on that principal, anyway, in the settlement.]
Kate: Typical Man. It’s alright. We have to love them despite their faults.
But anyway, moving on. The Toys ‘R’ Us incident. Kate claims that her yelling at Jon–”HELL-OH! We’re over here! You need to stop playing with TOYS”– only sounds loud because she was miked. Really, Kate? Tell that to this guy:
Kate: I’ve never done that since. And I don’t care what he says. When?
Jon: Crayola store.
Kate: Well, I had to yell so you could hear me then.
Jon:There are three episodes. One at the toy store, one at the Crayola store, and one at the corn maze.
Kate:I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jon: On our show opening. You yell, “HELL-O!”
Kate: OK, but in the recent days, have I yelled?
Wow, this is super uncomfortable. Now they are talking about each other in the third person while sitting next to each other. The producer suggests, “This episode might be one of the most embarrassing moments.” Kate laughs her fake, exaggerated laugh. Jon rolls his eyes and gestures to Kate as if to say, “What do you want me to do, this is the straight man you’ve saddled me with.”
Time for some comic relief, though. What are their favorite episodes? Kate’s is the sextuplets’ third birthday, because she always loves what she says at the end, it always makes her cry. That’s nice, Kate, but what about your favorite moments with your kids? Kate gives some incidents in which her kids show themselves to be “soo [insert name of child here]“–i.e. Collin stacking stuff into his tricycle is “so Collin,” and Joel talking about wieners is “soooo Joel.” Maybe Jon will help us out. Jon? When Aaden is tapping on the camera. Awwww. That is a good one.
I won’t lie to you, these two are in trouble, though. Not only is one of Kate’s favorite moments one of Jon’s most embarrassing (Kate slapping him), but they are displaying today I think all four of John Gottman’s four horsemen of [marital] apocalypse. One of the first signs of a failing marriage is the harsh startup to a discussion.I quote from Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 199:25-46:
THE FIRST SIGN: HARSH STARTUP
The most obvious indicator that a discussion (and the marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt — it has begun with a “harsh startup.” The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!
In the name of clinical accuracy, I went back and checked the time on Kate’s “typical man” comment–it is 3 minutes into the episode. Duh Duh DUMMMM.
The second sign that a marriage is in trouble is the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse, viz. criticism (check), contempt (check), defensiveness (uh, double check), and stonewalling (THAT’s what Jon is doing, now I get it). Once you’ve got those four, you’re in serious trouble, and almost all of the rest of the signs are quick to follow if the couple doesn’t do something quickly to curtail it.
Do something, Jon and Kate, before it is too late! The loveseat is not a substitute for marital counseling, no matter how many times you refer to it as though it is! Sure, we fans are fickle. And no, we don’t always wish you the best. But nobody wants the show to end! Maybe you can work out a cross-branding deal with Dr. Phil . . .