Jon, Kate, and the Loveseat of Doom

by anna on July 23, 2008

jon.jpg

Kids, I don’t want to scare you, but things aren’t looking good for our friends Jon & Kate, at least not based on the cut of this week’s episode, “Embarrassing and Favorite Moments.” This is a show using mostly old footage, but the new stuff (provided exclusively by Jon and Kate from the Loveseat of Doom) makes it worth watching. First, some administrative questions:

  • Do they make $60,000 an episode if it’s old stuff spliced together? Or is there some special deal, or percentage that they make–like it’s 4% new, so they make $2,400, or something like that?;
  • Does Juicy Juice have to pay extra for this product placement, or is it just wrapped into the deal they made for new episodes?; and
  • How do the residuals work? Will Alexis make as much for being shown covered in poop this time, as she did for the first season?
  • More importantly, though, will Jon and Kate be able to figure out the moments that they should find embarrassing all on their own? Or will the producers need to help them?

    The episode starts out with Kate telling us (twice) that this episode will contain some of their favorite moments and some of their “[growl] least favorite moments.” Jon tells us that in the beginning it was weird to see themselves on tv, but now that they have filmed “like 60 episodes” it’s very “uh, normal.” So let’s see, running tab–60 episodes at $60,000 a pop, that would be $3.6 million, right? Why are they still doing this? Well, I guess the market is down lately.

    When pressed for examples of times that he felt “embarrassed” about something he saw on the show, Kate gently reminds him to discuss situations in which he was embarrassed of himself, rather than situations where he was embarrassed of her. Well, alright, if you want to make it more difficult. Jon has to go back to the first season, in which he asked Kate when she was going to “take the stick out” [of her ass, presumably] because she was, well, being herself. Kate is quick to tell everyone how much she Jon regrets this:

    Kate: “What made you say that?”
    Jon: “You.” [Duh!]
    Kate:”Well, now that you’re talking about it again, they’re going to air it again.”

    –Wow, this is uncomfortable–

    Kate: “So now it’s going to be in two episodes, aren’t you HAPPY?”
    Jon: “So what? That’s the whole point.”

    Really? The whole point is to get you displaying your annoyance with Kate on camera again? No, that can’t be it . . . Oh, I get it! The whole point is to milk another episode ($$$) out of footage that has already been aired.

    OK, glad we’re all on the same page again.

    Kate reminds Jon that she had to go to WORK that day. Yes, that’s why she had stuck the stick up her ass, Jon, don’t you remember? At this point the producers step in and ask Jon if he regretted the incident right away. Jon says, emphatically, “YES.”

    And then smiles like a kid on Christmas morning.

    Kate, clearly not happy with Jon’s retelling of the story, tells us that she felt bad for him because he had never said something like that before, and gosh, how unlucky that it was caught on tape–wait, what is going on with Jon’s face? Is that a tick? And what did he mumble there? It looks like “horrible,” but it could be “horror,” or, more likely, “whore. . . .” Let’s rewind that.

    Kate: “There’s a nicer way to say things.”
    Jon: [blank look]
    Kate: “If you’re being mature, and not immature.”
    Jon: [blank look, finger tap, lip bite]
    Kate: “Like, not sitting there, giggling, like you’re doing now.”
    Jon: [Is Pennsylvania a no-fault state? I'm not sure.]
    Kate: “There’s a nicer way to say things.”
    Jon: [The kids are four now. How much longer can this gravy train last?]
    Kate: “You could have said, in a very mature, husbandly way, ‘Kate, what are you so bothered about?”
    Jon: [Maybe I should start skimming off the top, and open up a safety deposit box or something.]
    Kate: blah blah blah, stressed, blah blah, blah
    Jon: [I don't want to carve up the interest on that principal, anyway, in the settlement.]
    Kate: Typical Man. It’s alright. We have to love them despite their faults.

    Jon:jon.jpg

    But anyway, moving on. The Toys ‘R’ Us incident. Kate claims that her yelling at Jon–”HELL-OH! We’re over here! You need to stop playing with TOYS”– only sounds loud because she was miked. Really, Kate? Tell that to this guy:

    thisguy.jpg

    Kate: I’ve never done that since. And I don’t care what he says. When?
    Jon: Crayola store.
    Kate: Well, I had to yell so you could hear me then.
    Jon:There are three episodes. One at the toy store, one at the Crayola store, and one at the corn maze.
    Kate:I don’t know what you’re talking about.
    Jon: On our show opening. You yell, “HELL-O!”
    Kate: OK, but in the recent days, have I yelled?

    Wow, this is super uncomfortable. Now they are talking about each other in the third person while sitting next to each other. The producer suggests, “This episode might be one of the most embarrassing moments.” Kate laughs her fake, exaggerated laugh. Jon rolls his eyes and gestures to Kate as if to say, “What do you want me to do, this is the straight man you’ve saddled me with.”

    Time for some comic relief, though. What are their favorite episodes? Kate’s is the sextuplets’ third birthday, because she always loves what she says at the end, it always makes her cry. That’s nice, Kate, but what about your favorite moments with your kids? Kate gives some incidents in which her kids show themselves to be “soo [insert name of child here]“–i.e. Collin stacking stuff into his tricycle is “so Collin,” and Joel talking about wieners is “soooo Joel.” Maybe Jon will help us out. Jon? When Aaden is tapping on the camera. Awwww. That is a good one.

    I won’t lie to you, these two are in trouble, though. Not only is one of Kate’s favorite moments one of Jon’s most embarrassing (Kate slapping him), but they are displaying today I think all four of John Gottman’s four horsemen of [marital] apocalypse. One of the first signs of a failing marriage is the harsh startup to a discussion.I quote from Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 199:25-46:

    THE FIRST SIGN: HARSH STARTUP
    The most obvious indicator that a discussion (and the marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. When a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt — it has begun with a “harsh startup.” The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute interaction!

    In the name of clinical accuracy, I went back and checked the time on Kate’s “typical man” comment–it is 3 minutes into the episode. Duh Duh DUMMMM.

    The second sign that a marriage is in trouble is the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse, viz. criticism (check), contempt (check), defensiveness (uh, double check), and stonewalling (THAT’s what Jon is doing, now I get it). Once you’ve got those four, you’re in serious trouble, and almost all of the rest of the signs are quick to follow if the couple doesn’t do something quickly to curtail it.

    Do something, Jon and Kate, before it is too late! The loveseat is not a substitute for marital counseling, no matter how many times you refer to it as though it is! Sure, we fans are fickle. And no, we don’t always wish you the best. But nobody wants the show to end! Maybe you can work out a cross-branding deal with Dr. Phil . . .

    { 10 comments }

    Nichole July 23, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    I love how you paired it with screencaps! I noticed that man with the cap, too, this time around.

    They definitely DO indeed need some help and I wish they would get some. I just wish they would listen to what the other is trying to say or notice what they are not saying. Jon needs to stop making rude looks and giving the attitude because it’s not going to help. He needs to speak up. Ahh this is all stuff plenty of people have said before. I just wish that something would improve.

    silver July 23, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    lol@cross promotion with Dr. Phil

    Coasty July 24, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    When I watched this episode I was looking at Jon listen to Kate whine and fake smile and bash him. I though that he looked like he was thinking his life was going to eventually turn into an episode of 48 Mystery wherein he will be the main suspect in the as yet unsolved “disappearance” of Kate. However, I am confident some sober, responsible member of the viewing public will “take care” of Kate prior to Jon being pushed too far over the edge. I really feel sorry for that guy and think his toughest task as a father in the future will be to keep his daughters off the pole as they respond in kind to their mother’s extreme passive aggressiveness tempered only by her obvious stupidity. In so many ways Kate is the personification of the argument in favor of selective abortions.

    Q July 27, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve enjoyed your blog and the older dating disasters series. I caught part of this show flipping channels last Monday and if this couple isn’t an ad for how not to treat a spouse I don’t know what is. I just heard today that Jon said during his talk at the Twin convention he’d never leave Kate because he’d be the poorest man the crowd ever knew. So it’s better to be poor in self respect and dignity rather then money. Again I doubt if he took his life back into his own hands he’d be living on the streets. He might not get that 8000 square foot house with the pool his wife so disparately wants but I’m sure he’d be okay. Money should never be the reason to stay in a toxic relationship, I hope he wakes and smells the coffee before it’s too late.

    JoeGirl September 1, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    Brilliant writing, Anna. Incredible post. Found you at BlogHer…
    Have you ever noticed, than more often than not (a lot more), Kate is sitting with her legs crossed AWAY from Jon. Clearly her body language is “stay away from me”.

    I’m not hooked on the show, but when I’m struggling with my two boys (ages 7 and 2), I tune in for a reality check ;)

    mandy November 16, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    I LOVE JOHN AND KATE AND ALL THEIR CUTEEEEEEEE KIDS I THINK THEIR GREAT PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Anna January 6, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Jon and Kate are fine! This isn’t Hollywood, thank goodness! They have a great family and it will stay that way.

    Alan Profitt February 4, 2009 at 11:24 am

    Yes, Jon is fighting an uphill battle. I can’t believe the way Kate has been treating him. I keep finding it more and more difficult to defend her. “She is just stressed from taking care of the kids.” and “She’s just trying to create drama for the show.” isn’t cutting it lately. Did you see the latest episode where she completely flipped out because Jon didn’t use a coupon to buy a bathroom fixture? Was it just me or did anyone else think of the closet scene in the film, MOMMIE DEAREST? (NO…WIRE… HANGERS!!!!!!) Me too! Kate has said in the past that she wants the show to be “real” and doesn’t want to do anything that the family wouldn’t normally do if the cameras weren’t rolling, but does she really have to act like they are soooooo poor that it’s an unforgivable crime for wicked Jon to pay FULL PRICE(gasp!) for a shower head??? C’mon Kate. We’re not stupid. We know you are making lots and lots… and LOTS of money for doing this series. Yes, I want you to save enough of the earnings so each and every one of those eight adorable kids(Yes, even bratty Mady) can go to any college they want in about 14 years, but please…… cut Jon a break. Let him spend a little of the cash. He’s such a sweet guy and a great father. They adore him. It won’t do ANYONE any good if Daddy ends up in prison for murder. On second thought, I’m sure the jury would rule that it was justifiable homicide and he might be out in just a few short years. Hmmmm…… That might just work. By the way, does anyone know if it’s true what I heard about why Kate’s brother(Kevin) and his wife(Jodie) are never seen anymore? I was told that TLC wanted to actually pay Kevin and Jodie to be regulars on the series and Kate flipped out, implying that they were traitors for trying to make a deal with the network. I guess in Kate Land if a family member isn’t frequently babysitting, or installing garage shelving for FREE, then your services are no longer required. Oh Kate. I feel so badly for you. Maybe you SHOULD take the stick out.

    Deb49 March 16, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Everyone right now is looking for someone to hate because of economy and other things happening in their lives so I hate Kate is their escape!!

    Laura March 17, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Oh! How I would LOVE to see a new reality series called, “Jon Leaves Kate and Visits 8″ I seriously cannot stand to watch Kate correcting Jon all the time when she is the one who needs it. Have you noticed that she’s constantly reprimanding and correcting Jon for his grammar when in fact HER grammar is not so supreme? I know, this is so petty of me to even bring this up when there are much bigger issues for those two, but it’s a pet peeve of mine about her. I also don’t like how she flaunts her new home to the world with, “It’s all miiiiiinnnnne!” There are many-many things I don’t like about Kate (Hellllooooo? Can you hear me? Stop playing with yourself and get your daughter, Maddy, some therapy!)Most of all, I just can’t stand how she treats her dear husband. I’m over watching them …at least over it until he ditches her :)

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