Pregnancy Dreams Are Freaky Deaky; Also: Kind Of Kafkaesque
I’ve been a little troubled by the content of my dreams lately. In particular, I’m disturbed by the ones in which I’m back in high school, living in the house I grew up in, and being forced to go on long “vacations” in the car with my family of origin.
There’s no question that this is all related to the morning sickness: it makes me feel imprisoned, disenfranchised, and hopeless, and the only time other than early pregnancy that I’ve felt these things quite so acutely was during the majority of my childhood in the coastal town that they forgot to shut down.
I know, I know: this is so overdramatic, there are people who have it so much worse than I do, with my fancy pants first world problems of undermedication and hyperhormonization. These facts are not lost on me; however, I have only my own experience to draw from here, and comparatively, this is bad. And the worst part of the morning sickness is not the actual vomiting (though that sucks!) or the dehydration (though that really sucks too!), or the general malaise that you constantly feel (definitely sucks! for the record).
No: the worst (for me) is the psychological effect of feeling trapped in your own body, particularly when it seems to be dead set on poisoning me. It feels like a betrayal. Because even though you know what it is that you are working towards (the snuggly lovey baby you will adore for the rest of your life), that’s all just academic at this point. Right now you’re thinking, “You’ve known this fetus for less than seven weeks and you’re already choosing it over me? Well, fuck you too, body.”
Though, now that I think about it . . . maybe my body is onto something. It’s not like I’ve ever treated it well. I’ve always abused it, first with alcohol and drugs, then with caffeine, artificial sweeteners, and always, always with the overactive criticism. Maybe my body has a reason to love the fetus more than me — that fetus is, if experience is any indication, going to love it, unconditionally, far more than I ever have.
Maybe pregnancy is a little more logical than we realize.
But it still sucks.