16 Ways To Ruin Valentine’s Day
- Have it on a Monday.
- Watch this video.
- Zofran and seltzer cocktails for everybody!
- Go out to eat at — well, pretty much any restaurant, but especially ones that are ordinarily good, because the prix fixe crap will both ruin it and make it more expensive.
- Wrap it in a Benny Bear.
- Give her something (anything) that plugs in. Even if you bought it at the Apple Store.
- Involve Justin Bieber in any way.
- No really: watch this video and tell me what on earth Lamar is thinking? Is he thinking?
- Wonder if there any time that the Kardashians aren’t thinking about a marketing/cash-in opportunity?
- Keep your husband abreast, in detail, of all of the developments of Zofran’s lovely side effects, in the manner of a play-by-play basketball broadcaster.
- Grandiose declarations about refusing to buy roses in February.
- Describe it as a “Hallmark Holiday.”
- Even if it is.
- Invite Christina Aguliera to sing the national anthem.
- Put the Black Eyed Peas in charge of the halftime show.
- Announce a silent takeover of your company by Microsoft.
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