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The Curse Of The Itchy Butt (Five Weeks)

The Curse Of The Itchy Butt (Five Weeks)

My big plans of keeping all of this a secret until later lasted not even six weeks. I suck. Anyway, this week I’ll be catching you up on the stuff I’ve been writing about the antics of the devil spawn parasite tiny little miracle that is currently growing in my belly. I promise the coming weeks won’t be so breeder-oriented. Bear with me.

Pregnancy is a wonderland of new experiences and their accompanying humiliating trips to the drugstore. I don’t need to say it, do I? Well I will anyway: this is not sponsored post.

People say that each child is different, that you love them equally but differently. It follows, then, that each pregnancy is different, and you despise them equally, but differently.

I had one gut wrenching episode of nausea earlier this week, and though it passed it was enough to remind me of what it was like when I was pregnant with Mini. Like, really remember, because I got into the shower, and I thought, “That’s right sitting on the floor of the shower does make it a little better for some reason. Why is that?”

So I decided to think about it for about 45 minutes, on the floor of the shower. Don’t worry: we have a tankless water heater and water is a renewable resource. (Also: suck it, hippies.)

Anyway, it is too early to say yet whether the nausea this time will be as bad as it was the last, but I can say that already I’ve been treated to some new experiences with pregnancy, including waking up to my butt inexplicably itching in a persistent, unbearable way. Oh sure, it’s TMI and everything but this is pregnancy, and for me that’s like war: we are going in, we are going to see some awful, horrible things. We might have to do things we’ll never want to speak of again. But we are not going to puss out about it. Even if it means talking about itchy butts.

So to describe this, let’s say that your butt is like a car full of three year olds who want to go to Disneyland, and they’re like “ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?” except instead of the questions it’s an itch in a really unpleasant and unfortunate region of your body. Like the kind of thing that might make you, say, jump up and down and say, “My butt is itching and I cannot think about anything else.” Hypothetically.

So that’s new.

If this pregnancy ends up not being viable, I am going to have to take issue with the itchy butt. It just seems like an itchy butt, and having to purchase items to cure an itchy butt — that should get you some points. I’m just saying.

Comments (16)

  1. Feb 9, 2011

    Umm…yeah. If that little blob is going to make you feel like that, then it had damn sure better stay in your uterus ’til it’s DONE.

  2. Feb 9, 2011

    Itchy butt and the start of nausea….yeah this one’s a keeper. Tucks pads and Zofran. Don’t be afraid to use Zofran and Gatorade as your primary food groups. I built two kids that way….Good Luck!

  3. Feb 9, 2011

    I agree that Zofran is a miracle drug.

    I don’t know what to say about the itchy butt. I think if your palms itch, it means you’re going to get money, and if your nose itches you’re going to kiss a fool. I don’t know what an itchy butt means though.

  4. Feb 9, 2011

    I think we may be approaching Zofran time. My first appointment is on Friday so I will wait until then, but it’s becoming more persistent as time passes. As I recall Zofran has horrendous side effects, too, though.

  5. Feb 9, 2011

    Well, the itchy butt seems to have gone away (I wrote this last week). So, maybe I will luck out and not get it again. I hope. Zofran does good things, but it also does bad things to me. But I’m guessing I’ll be on it anyway by next week.

  6. Feb 9, 2011

    That’s my theory.

  7. Feb 9, 2011

    My insurance didn’t cover Zofran and there was no generic, so most of the time I made due with the vitamin B6/Unisom thing. It didn’t work as good as the Zofran, but it allowed me to show up for work most of the time.

  8. Feb 9, 2011

    The worst part about the barfing of the second pregnancy was realizing that the first pregnancy had also left me with stress incontinence.

    Every offering in the bowl of the porcelain god was accompanied by the need to change my pants.

  9. Feb 9, 2011

    And this is part of why I’m proud to own shares of Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline.

    I hope this itchy butt thing lets up soon. It sounds awful.

  10. Feb 9, 2011

    Yes! I just discovered this delightful development this morning. If I weren’t so depressed by it, I think I would find it hilarious.

  11. Feb 9, 2011

    ugh itchy butt syndrome with pregnancy number 2….hmmm…remind me again why im dying to get pregnant?

  12. Feb 9, 2011

    pregnancy makes you more prone to yeast… inside and out. i had this issue with my last pregnancy, it would come and go… was the worst toward the end of the 3rd trimester. ask the doc about nystatin topical if it persists. there’s one with a cortizal in it too that will knock it out in one application.

    …can’t believe i just wrote that.

  13. Feb 9, 2011

    I love that. They just “don’t cover it.” Because insurance companies are qualified to practice medicine. Last time it was covered, but I’d have to buy it each time and then get reimbursed. They only would let me get like 14 pills at a time, too.

  14. Feb 9, 2011

    Because wanting another baby temporarily brainwashes you until it’s too late.

  15. Feb 9, 2011

    Thanks, though, because the itchy butt has gone away but I will bring that up just in case that is what is going on. It might happen again. UGGH.

  16. Feb 9, 2011

    Yes, when there’s a pharmaceutical solution out there, people will pay whatever you ask for it.

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