The Curse Of The Itchy Butt (Five Weeks)
My big plans of keeping all of this a secret until later lasted not even six weeks. I suck. Anyway, this week I’ll be catching you up on the stuff I’ve been writing about the antics of the
devil spawn parasite tiny little miracle that is currently growing in my belly. I promise the coming weeks won’t be so breeder-oriented. Bear with me.
Pregnancy is a wonderland of new experiences and their accompanying humiliating trips to the drugstore. I don’t need to say it, do I? Well I will anyway: this is not sponsored post.
People say that each child is different, that you love them equally but differently. It follows, then, that each pregnancy is different, and you despise them equally, but differently.
I had one gut wrenching episode of nausea earlier this week, and though it passed it was enough to remind me of what it was like when I was pregnant with Mini. Like, really remember, because I got into the shower, and I thought, “That’s right sitting on the floor of the shower does make it a little better for some reason. Why is that?”
So I decided to think about it for about 45 minutes, on the floor of the shower. Don’t worry: we have a tankless water heater and water is a renewable resource. (Also: suck it, hippies.)
Anyway, it is too early to say yet whether the nausea this time will be as bad as it was the last, but I can say that already I’ve been treated to some new experiences with pregnancy, including waking up to my butt inexplicably itching in a persistent, unbearable way. Oh sure, it’s TMI and everything but this is pregnancy, and for me that’s like war: we are going in, we are going to see some awful, horrible things. We might have to do things we’ll never want to speak of again. But we are not going to puss out about it. Even if it means talking about itchy butts.
So to describe this, let’s say that your butt is like a car full of three year olds who want to go to Disneyland, and they’re like “ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?” except instead of the questions it’s an itch in a really unpleasant and unfortunate region of your body. Like the kind of thing that might make you, say, jump up and down and say, “My butt is itching and I cannot think about anything else.” Hypothetically.
So that’s new.
If this pregnancy ends up not being viable, I am going to have to take issue with the itchy butt. It just seems like an itchy butt, and having to purchase items to cure an itchy butt — that should get you some points. I’m just saying.