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Why Anybody Who Writes To Gwyneth Paltrow For Advice Gets Exactly What They Deserve

Why Anybody Who Writes To Gwyneth Paltrow For Advice Gets Exactly What They Deserve

  1. I’m having a hard time balancing my career with being a mother. I wonder whom I should look to for guidance.
  2. Oh! I know — Gwyneth Paltrow.
  3. After all, she and I have a ton in common: she’s an Oscar winning actress who is married to a rockstar, and I’m a delusional asshole!
  4. She probably also has access to other people whose experience is also totally applicable to my own, like say, the fashion designer daughter of a former Beatle and a venture capitalist from Silicon Valley who spreadsheets in face time with Bono over steel cut oatmeal.
  5. A tip I got from the venture capitalist was to befriend people like Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, and Olivia Chantecaille, of the Chantecaille cosmetics line Chantecailles.
  6. Not only do friends like this allow you to name drop, they also are really good for putting to work when you want to have a makeup lesson for your other equally impressive friends, or if you need to provide tips in a newsletter for your other good friend, Gwyneth Paltrow.
  7. Because it’s important to multitask all the time when you’re a career woman and a mother. Everything must do double duty. If you’re representing a client, then you should buy all of your gifts from them. If you’re buying your gifts from a place, then you should make them a place, make your venture capital firm bring them on as a client! I learned that from Juliet de Baubigny! It’s just one of the ways she has made her life totally amazing.
  8. Another tip I got from the venture capitalist was to keep “transparent plastic tubs” full of tens of thousands of dollars worth of generic gifts for people that might come up during the year including things like Carolina Bucci Bracelets, Starbucks cards, and iPod Nanos. This is a really expensive way of letting someone know they are not special enough to warrant a personalized gift from you!
  9. I knew Gwynnie would be the right person to ask: for example, she taught me that after you put the kids down, it’s totally OK to just leave them in the house unattended for a girl’s night out.
  10. I know that’s what she meant, too, because absolutely no mention was made of third party help with the kids — no nannies or housekeepers whatsoever — in fact, not even her husband was mentioned!
  11. You won’t be tired for work the next day if you go out for a girl’s night out, either, after leaving your kids alone in the London manse, *provided they are asleep before you leave,* the uniforms for Eton have all been laid out, and the cupcakes for the bake sale have all been prepared.
  12. To do: get a monger.

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Comments (9)

  1. Jan 17, 2011

    …but her website is so pretty….

  2. Jan 17, 2011

    You’re really looking a gift horse in the mouth here. Now go select a pre-wrapped gift in the $1,000 range from one of your Sterilite tubs, check it off on your Gift Inventory spreadsheet and send it to that crazy tone-deaf bitch and hope she never wakes up from her delusional state. Because if she ever quits GOOP, the common-class terrorists will have won.

  3. Jan 17, 2011

    Furthermore, doesn’t Fishsticks know how to make paragraph breaks? I could overlook that, however, if she to be friends with me and look to me for advice. After all, I *did* buy four sets of Speedo swim goggles at Costco this weekend for upcoming birthday parties. Take that, Juliet.

  4. Jan 17, 2011

    I almost googled to see what this was about…but then I realized I don’t really want to know.

  5. Jan 17, 2011

    It’s the latest GOOP, linked above.

  6. Jan 17, 2011

    Well, you know Gwynnie is a working mother, just like all of us. We can all benefit from her wisdom and help! I mean, she has problems with her coffeemaker, just like us! And her friends, well, they need help with “me time” too–look they have to make a point to schedule a blowout every week to help save them time getting ready for goodness sake. And that trainer who comes to the house? Well, that’s just good time management–you know, then you don’t have to deal with traffic or get a sitter!

    GAG.

    My list is up. http://rambleramble.com/2011/01/17/9-questions-i-have-about-the-golden-globes/

  7. Jan 17, 2011

    Wow… I am still laughing about the delusional a**hole comment… Really, I’m sure GP has some valid life experience but let’s be honest I think she may be slightly out of her league when trying to ‘relate’ and dish out advice to other mums out there. Her life is a wee bit different than the lives that most of us ‘common folk’ lead. I would caution her to stick with what she knows and leave real life to those of us that are actually living it… Just my opinion… BTW, I love your blog – it’s a nice release and offers some comic relief!
    Blessings,
    j
    http://www.beneaththeacaciatree.com

  8. Jan 17, 2011

    I think this picture says it all.
    http://butyourelikereallypretty.tumblr.com/page/2

  9. Jan 19, 2011

    It’s nice to get the straight poop on goop 🙂

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