New Year’s Resolutions, Absolutions, Predictions, And/Or Dissolutions
- High on the success of Basketball Wives, VH-1 decides to launch sister shows Football Wives, Baseball Wives, Hockey Wives, and Curling Wives, with varying levels of success.
- In order to more accurately reflect the content of their shows, the Real Housewives franchise will rename its properties as follows: The Real Short Sales of Orange County, The Real Plugging My Side Projects of New York,The Real Mafia Wives of New Jersey, and The Real Crime Would Be A Second Season Of DC.
- The five people who received a Nook e-reader instead of a Kindle for Christmas will endeavor to identify their part in the conflict, eventually finding it in their hearts to forgive their misguided loved ones.
- Holly Madison’s carefully constructed veneer of self restraint momentarily falters upon hearing the news of Hef’s engagement.
- Holly Madison’s carefully constructed veneer of self-restraint completely crumbles upon hearing the news of Hef’s engagement to a woman named Crystal.
- Nicholas Cage, Denzel Washington, and Robert DeNiro resolve to go back to taking the kinds of parts for which they won Oscars. Then they all share an insincere laugh, clink glasses of Johnnie Walker Blue, and go back to counting their money.
- After overhearing their grandchildren discussing something about “privacy settings” at Facebook that are “constantly changing,” the three septuagenarians who still read Time magazine demand a public apology for Mark Zuckerberg being named Person of the Year.
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