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The Real Housewives And Their One Line Bios

The Real Housewives And Their One Line Bios

  1. The housewife who never quite escaped from Witch Mountain.
  2. She and her family are thick as thieves.
  3. She is the housewife who wrote a book on a topic about which she knows very little.
  4. Wait, that describes at least two or three of them — let me try again.
  5. The one who crashed a party at the White House and thinks nobody lost their job as a result.
  6. She is the housewife who appears to have no capacity for self-reflection.
  7. (This is hard).
  8. The housewife who is married to a restauranteur version of Ozzy Osbourne.
  9. The one with the $7 million dollar house, bankruptcy, and a husband who works “construction.”
  10. The one that doesn’t live in a house, and isn’t even a wife.
  11. (Still thinking.)
  12. Money could not buy this housewife class (but she thinks that it did).
  13. The one who was involved in a kidnapping plot in the eighties, and later decided to press charges against a nineteen year old for ripping out her hair extensions.
  14. A philandering Kelsey Grammer looks like slightly less of a douchebag when compared to this housewife, who is now his ex-wife.
  15. She is the one who might have had something that looked like an alleged psychotic break on camera, but made up for it by offering everyone gummy bears.
  16. She is the Real House-business partner.
  17. The one who is married to the gay guy.
  18. She is always going to be the one who got her bikini waxed in front of her 14 year old daughter. No, I don’t care what else she does for the rest of her life. That’s it. That is who she is now.
  19. The one who owns a casino and an NBA team, among other large business assets. But these facts are overshadowed for me, by her choice of putting tinsel in her hair; therefore, she is the housewife that willingly had tinsel woven into her hair and wore a light blue cowboy outfit (in spite of having considerable assets to prevent this kind of behavior).
  20. She is the one with the crazy eyes.

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Comments (20)

  1. Dec 13, 2010

    Aaaaah! I am laughing totally hard here. I am obsessed with all of these women (I’m ashamed to say). I’m hoping that my watching them so intently only means that I need to WATCH drama since my life is so DRAMA-FREE.

    #6 I can’t figure out #6. Apparently I have no capacity for self-reflection? Ha!

  2. Dec 13, 2010

    i maintain that kelsey encouraged camille to go on the show so everyone would see how batshit crazy she is and not blame him for running away to new york. seriously, how did he do that for 13 years???

  3. Dec 13, 2010

    Wasn’t he a hardcore substance abuser for most of those 13 years? Causation? Coincidence?

  4. Dec 13, 2010

    Actually, I think he was newly sober when they got together. Which is even more testimony to why relationships in early sobriety are often bad news.

  5. Dec 13, 2010

    She has apparently claimed that he did pull strings to get her on the show, but because she’s an idiot with no capacity for self reflection, she thinks it is because he wanted to have time to himself in order to have an affair. It has apparently escaped her notice how badly she is coming off on the show.

  6. Dec 13, 2010

    anna – i heard the same thing. bat.shit.crazy.

    eliz – she claims to have kept him sober for the duration of their marriage.

  7. Dec 13, 2010

    Delicious bios. And I’m embarrassed to say that I can put names with each of these items.

  8. Dec 13, 2010

    Camille Grammer’s vapidity and self absorption are a gift that keeps on giving. I was especially gleeful when she started comparing how important her husband was compared to Kyle’s, knowing what the outcome of that marriage was to be. Also? They’re not your friends if they are on your payroll, ding dong.

  9. Dec 13, 2010

    I have to admit, I think I’ve only ever watched maybe two episodes of any of the franchise, so I don’t know all the references, but #18 made me snort my diet coke.

    My list is up: http://rambleramble.com/2010/12/13/things-that-may-not-help-you-get-in-the-christmas-spirit/

  10. Dec 13, 2010

    Okay, not to whip out the “I wanted to like you” line, but I wanted to like Tinsel Hair because yay! A real business woman! But even my five-year-old would find that hair a little too much.

    And the bikini wax with the kid their…OMG. I thought she might be the relatively normal one, but that totally ruined her chances. So now Tinsel Hair is the normal one, I guess.

  11. Dec 13, 2010

    With the kid THERE, not THEIR. God.

  12. Dec 13, 2010

    I hate to say it, but I didn’t find the waxing with the kid there all that bizarre. I guess if it was a “I’m doing this cause doods think it’s hawt”, I’d be disturbed. Kyle definitely seems normal, you know, actually wanting to be a mom and stuff.

  13. Dec 13, 2010

    It is so sad that I know which housewife everyone of these lines describes, even the (This is hard.) ones. You forgot “The one that is clearly Alexis Carrington Colby.”

  14. Dec 13, 2010

    I know all these references…As we speak Bravo is showing the past two bev hills reruns…man I wish I wasn’t at work…

    I’ve got my list up of Things You Never Should Buy..http://savingmoneyplan.com/ten-spend-money/

  15. Dec 13, 2010

    “Name that Real Housewife!”
    and I got about half
    and multiple answers for #17.
    Thanks for the fun game.

  16. Dec 14, 2010

    I’m embarrassed and oddly proud that I can put names with all of them too.

  17. Dec 14, 2010

    I think I might like Lisa Vanderpump. She’s the real deal in a ridiculous telling-the-Virgin-ticketing-agent “Richard’s a dear friend” sort of way. She loves her kids and tries to diffuse the bickering and is almost normal if not for her ossified husband and informed-by-Joan Collins sense of style. And the gay houseguest. All right; maybe not so much “normal” as “likable.”

  18. Dec 14, 2010

    The most fascinating thing about her is her relationship with the Kato Kaelin-esque houseguest. That could be its own show in and of itself.

  19. snarkoleptic
    Dec 15, 2010

    I was so bummed when things went calamitously wrong on a biz trip this week and I mentioned someting about making lemons out of lemonade and no one got it.

  20. Dec 23, 2010

    I think I might like Lisa Vanderpump. She’s the real deal in a ridiculous telling-the-Virgin-ticketing-agent “Richard’s a dear friend” sort of way. She loves her kids and tries to diffuse the bickering and is almost normal if not for her ossified husband and informed-by-Joan Collins sense of style. And the gay houseguest. All right; maybe not so much “normal” as “likable.”

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