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The Clearblue Easy Monitor: Neither Blue, Nor Easy. And, Really Not All That Clear, Come To Think Of It. Discuss.

The Clearblue Easy Monitor: Neither Blue, Nor Easy. And, Really Not All That Clear, Come To Think Of It. Discuss.

You might have noticed that I’ve been in a foul mood lately.

Now, before you get worked up about this, let me assure you that I am most assuredly on it. In fact, I am so on it that the first thing I did when I realized the severity of my foul mood was to decide to take two days off from the internet and devote them to constructing Ikea furniture. The insanity of that plan as a prospect for improving mental health is not lost on me, but let me explain: the Toy Situation around these parts has been past critical for months, and instead of addressing it head on like I should have, I have just let it worsen. Pictures? I don’t have pictures. I didn’t want to record what my home life had turned into. I am a blogger: I like to curate a carefully constructed image of myself and my life, and the Toy Situation — were you to see it — would conflict with that image. So, let me just explain it to you this way, in the midst of constructing the Ikea furniture, I was quoted as saying to Mr. Right-Click, by way of explanation for the flurry of activity, “Because I don’t want to live like fucking hoarders anymore!”

So then, after I got done putting away all of our new allen wrenches, I thought the next best way to cheer myself up would be to start peeing on sticks every morning.

Sometimes it would be one kind of stick that showed how much lutein was in my pee, and then later in the month, it would be another kind of stick that was supposed to show if there was a baby in my uterus or not. Except it might not be showing that, because it might be that I’m using the stick too early, and that I should have waited a few more days, because maybe this test doesn’t work until 12 days past ovulation, and I’m only 10 days past ovulation. Or maybe I think I’m 10 days past ovulation but really I’m not, because even though the Clearblue Easy Monitor (opaque, packaged in a purple box and equipped with an entire booklet of instructions, therefore calling into question every single descriptor used in its name) told me when I was likely to be ovulating, nothing is 100% and besides this month was the first time I used it so it was not really likely to be the most accurate measure. And also, I threw up twice last week and I know, I know I’m pregnant, I don’t care what this stupid stick says, my boobs are twice their normal size, this stick is a lying liar who lies, my period is two days late now, and now my boobs are not quite as big, but I still threw up last week. How on earth do people do this for years on end? This is crazymaking. Oh. Nevermind. The stick’s right.

How have you guys been?

Comments (40)

  1. Nov 17, 2010

    I tried using the ovulation predictor things and completely failed. I’m not sure they do anything useful, I think they might just exist to make us crazy. Start using during a certain time of your cycle, use at the same time every day, some times are better than others, the second line has to be as dark or darker than the first line… Next thing you know you’re obsessively comparing shades of red/pink lines on something covered in pee. WTF?

  2. Nov 17, 2010

    So: You’re pregnant?! Congratulations?!

    I once used a pregnancy test–cheap but effective–that was somewhat ambiguous at first but became more definitive a couple of days later. I was pretty clueless about the physical signs in the very earliest weeks. You seem to be completely in tune with all of the physical and emotional signs.

    And you have many months to get on top of the toy situation. I like Ikea organizers–and surreptitiously hiding certain less-favored toys–but I’m fortunate my husband is the construction guy in the household. I can build Ikea stuff but I’m not the best person for the job.

  3. Maura
    Nov 17, 2010

    Congrats! I once represented that company and did a lot of due diligence at their offices. Walking around and seeing pee sticks, ovulator kits and whatnot on everyone’s desk? WEIRD. (Note: I was not due diligencing why it is not “clear,” “blue” or “easy,” so I don’t have any, ah, clarity for you.)

  4. Nov 17, 2010

    it sucks. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS. i said the EXACT same thing to someone last night. years??? i would jump off a bridge. we’re at 6+ months and i’m losing my mind.

  5. Nov 17, 2010

    I peed on three sticks and they gave me all a neg. About three weeks later my husband said, good god woman you’re so mooooooody go get tested because I know you’re pregnant!. Where I then yelled back at him, I’m NOT pregnant, I’m just a bitch. I was both apparently.. Go to the Dr’s, worth the co-pay.

  6. Lauren (carterbiosea)
    Nov 17, 2010

    I never got to use mine, got knocked up first. Then I lent it to a friend, same thing. It’s actually on its fifth user, and everyone has gotten pregnant without really using it. Maybe this is the actual purpose, your body gets ticked off with having to pee on something every day and just gets pregnant to make it stop.

  7. Nov 17, 2010

    Ok, when you’re choosing Ikea furniture over the internet, things are BAD Anna. Never try to get Ikea to solve your problems (you know, except the problems of needing inexpensive, obnoxious to put together furniture). And then adding in instructions for that contraption on TOP of Ikea directions?
    No wonder you’ve been in a foul mood.

  8. Nov 17, 2010

    Neat! I hope you’re pregnant. And congratulations on getting the toys put away.

  9. Nov 17, 2010

    Nope! I’m convinced I had a fertilized egg in there at some point because I’m extremely sensitive to these things and start vomiting at the slightest hint of hormones, but obviously it didn’t take. So, try try again.

  10. Nov 17, 2010

    The post was vague, but no. I’m not pregnant. But I’ll keep trying.

  11. Nov 17, 2010

    Clearly I don’t deal well with uncertainty. I must have gone through $100 of pregnancy tests last month. This is insane. This is not sustainable long term.

  12. Nov 17, 2010

    Nope, not pregnant. I was four days late. But we will keep trying, at least until I go insane.

  13. Nov 17, 2010

    That’s how my first pregnancy was. This time is different. I cannot really complain, I have the first one and nobody else got to have the most perfect child ever created. 🙂

  14. Nov 17, 2010

    I know. It’s been dire. But my living room looks much, much better now.

  15. Nov 17, 2010

    Definitely not. But maybe next month.

  16. Nov 17, 2010

    Damn, I’m sorry it’s a negative.

  17. Carmen
    Nov 17, 2010

    Talk to Swistle. She buys the tests for $0.50 each – or something like that. Look waaaaaay at the bottom of the sidebar for the link: http://swistle.blogspot.com
    At least then peeing on stick after stick won’t break the bank. It won’t help anything else though; I’m afraid I can’t help you there. Good luck!

  18. Nov 17, 2010

    I think you’re talking about the kits, which I used and they sucked. This is the monitor, which is far more scientific. I actually think it’s accurate. But it’s still annoying.

  19. Nov 17, 2010

    Me too. Honestly, I just preemptively pee on anything these days. And worse, as you may have seen, my daughter is imitating me by … peeing on those goddamn ClearBlue Easy sticks. Or pretending to at least.

  20. Nov 17, 2010

    Ahh! Thanks. Good idea. I am too impatient to wait until after a missed period. I never can do that.

  21. Nov 17, 2010

    That’s OK, I’ve only been at it one month. I can hardly start crying in my diet coke at this point. I’ll give it a while before that starts happening.

  22. Nov 17, 2010

    Sometimes I’ll be peeing and just think, “Wait! Isn’t there something I should be peeing on here? Am I messing up something? Isn’t there some kind of test to be performed? No?” Sigh.

  23. Nov 17, 2010

    Back in the day (gawd, I sound old. It was only the 70s) we spent about 3 months figuring out if we were pregnant or not. Longest 3 months of my life. Then again, we also spent a whole lot of energy not getting pregnant because the pill was an awful form of birth control back then. Most often when someone wanted to get pregnant a doctor would tell you to relax. Yeah, right!
    Good Luck, Keep trying (cause it’s fun),and relax 🙂

  24. Nov 17, 2010

    Congratulations, Anna! I know you’re not pregnant, but you’re an official mommyblogger now that you’ve posted photographic evidence of a pregnancy test.

  25. Nov 17, 2010

    I bought those suckers in bulk from babyhopes.com.

  26. Nov 17, 2010

    Three .. three months? But … don’t you know that you don’t get your period and … three months?

  27. Nov 17, 2010

    Three months?! What the what?

  28. Nov 17, 2010

    When you went to the doctor to get tested they would send you home if it hadn’t been long enough. The big question was; “have you missed at least 2 periods?” I didn’t find out for sure on my first one until I was 10 weeks. Second one was 9 weeks. Only thing I can say is that it made the whole pregnancy seem short but the guilt from that wine you drank sucked.

  29. Nov 17, 2010

    Baby making is the fastest way to insanity I know. My period is currently a month late and the sticks still say negative – which I’m inclined to believe as I’ve stopped throwing up now and my boobs have deflated again. All these things tell me that my body is a fucking arsehole that reacts badly to progesterone. Also that I’m an infertile whore who is so very lucky to have had two babies already (with the help of the pill, supposedly that helped with the PCOS that no one is even sure I have yet, except for the whole 60 day cycles and crying in pain for a week every period thing).

    Anyway. I hope you’re pregnant, regardless of what a stick says, I really do. As for me, I hope I’m pregnant in 18 months.

  30. Nov 17, 2010

    Just read the comments. Sorry you’re not pregnant. Hope that next month is it.

  31. Carla Hinkle
    Nov 18, 2010

    I have 3 kids and the time spent conceiving them ranks as some of the lowest in my adult life. It took 4, 9, and 6 months, respectively, and I was a neurotic mess, peeing on 2 or 3 ovulation predictor sticks per day, taking my temperature, checking cervical mucous and position (ick), then peeing on pregnancy tests (the cheap kind bought in bulk over the Internet) from like 4 days past ovulation … So I had a true blank test to compare to, mind you.

    Any friends, old ladies etc who make some comment about “have fun trying” shoul be shot. As should friends who make comments like “My husband only has to look at me and I get pregnant!”

    Hang in there.

  32. Nov 18, 2010

    I hated TTC. HATED tracking temperatures, eventually taking stupid pills and never ever getting pregnant. It made me a miserable, hateful person and I am so glad I will never go through that again. I think its harder the smarter you are, because you get caught up in the mechanics of it all and you think if you’re doing everything correctly, then by god the candy should just FALL RIGHT OUT OF THE PNATA and when it doesn’t its maddening.

    It sucks to go through, I feel for you.

    You sure have odd ways of dealing with a foul mood. Mine tend to involve watching ridiculous movies and lots of chocolate.

  33. danish
    Nov 18, 2010

    Sending good conception wishes your way. Hope my wishes carry more weight (ha!) since i am 28 weeks pregnant myself. I don’t think there was a time when so many bloggers were expecting all at once so it’s got to be a little tough.

  34. Nov 18, 2010

    I saw this on the Oatmeal (of all places) yesterday – http://www.freeopks.com/ Hey, 10 for free is not bad.
    But honestly, I think the best way to conceive is to not try. Not try as in not chart and plot, and instead just relax and have fun. I think the stress of trying does something wacky to our bodies. Both of mine were pleasant surprises. And I’ve known so many people that got pregnant almost immediately after they stopped “trying”.

  35. Nov 18, 2010

    Oh, I remember those days. I don’t envy you. Much luck.

  36. Nov 18, 2010


    I liked these sticks because they are really cheap and mostly easy to read.

    Good luck.

  37. Lauren (carterbiosea)
    Nov 18, 2010

    Yeah, I was very lucky. Especially since I have little to no patience. I did like the concept of the monitor, since it seemed to be more thorough and less subjective than those stupid OPK sticks. I was a little bummed I didn’t get to use it, but it’s been fun seeing it work the same mojo with friends. Hopefully an egg will stick the next time around, so you don’t go bonkers. At least the internet provides some distraction, although maybe that’s not so good for your cortisol levels.

  38. Nov 18, 2010

    Dangermonkey, I’m sure you mean well, but that’s really not a very nice thing to say to someone who is trying to get pregnant.

    Best of luck, Anna!

  39. Nov 18, 2010

    Second this. Man, if only it were that easy for many of us. It’s not as easy for everyone to get pregnant as it is for some. Says she of the two-year conception mission that finally resulted in a baby after some medicine tweaks and that goddamned monitor.

  40. My mom LITERALLY quit work in 1957 to “relax” on doctor’s orders. I swear to God.

    Didn’t work. She adopted 2 kids. Both of those kids adopted 2 kids. If one of the 4 grandchildren knocks or gets knocked up, a great grandchild will be produced who is actually related by blood to their parents. First time since 1925!!!!!

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