The Clearblue Easy Monitor: Neither Blue, Nor Easy. And, Really Not All That Clear, Come To Think Of It. Discuss.
You might have noticed that I’ve been in a foul mood lately.
Now, before you get worked up about this, let me assure you that I am most assuredly on it. In fact, I am so on it that the first thing I did when I realized the severity of my foul mood was to decide to take two days off from the internet and devote them to constructing Ikea furniture. The insanity of that plan as a prospect for improving mental health is not lost on me, but let me explain: the Toy Situation around these parts has been past critical for months, and instead of addressing it head on like I should have, I have just let it worsen. Pictures? I don’t have pictures. I didn’t want to record what my home life had turned into. I am a blogger: I like to curate a carefully constructed image of myself and my life, and the Toy Situation — were you to see it — would conflict with that image. So, let me just explain it to you this way, in the midst of constructing the Ikea furniture, I was quoted as saying to Mr. Right-Click, by way of explanation for the flurry of activity, “Because I don’t want to live like fucking hoarders anymore!”
So then, after I got done putting away all of our new allen wrenches, I thought the next best way to cheer myself up would be to start peeing on sticks every morning.
Sometimes it would be one kind of stick that showed how much lutein was in my pee, and then later in the month, it would be another kind of stick that was supposed to show if there was a baby in my uterus or not. Except it might not be showing that, because it might be that I’m using the stick too early, and that I should have waited a few more days, because maybe this test doesn’t work until 12 days past ovulation, and I’m only 10 days past ovulation. Or maybe I think I’m 10 days past ovulation but really I’m not, because even though the Clearblue Easy Monitor (opaque, packaged in a purple box and equipped with an entire booklet of instructions, therefore calling into question every single descriptor used in its name) told me when I was likely to be ovulating, nothing is 100% and besides this month was the first time I used it so it was not really likely to be the most accurate measure. And also, I threw up twice last week and I know, I know I’m pregnant, I don’t care what this stupid stick says, my boobs are twice their normal size, this stick is a lying liar who lies, my period is two days late now, and now my boobs are not quite as big, but I still threw up last week. How on earth do people do this for years on end? This is crazymaking. Oh. Nevermind. The stick’s right.
How have you guys been?